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Comment by Sammie on November 6, 2015 at 11:52am

It's good to read your comments and see that's normal what I feel everybody else feels . I try to go thru the day hate mornings love evenings take my pills and sleep .. I don't hide my emotions I do work in a restaurant where you try to be nice don't feel like smiling and people don't know what you go thru and they tell you smile can not be that bad .. I use to get very furious but now I'm saying they don't know my pain can not judge them they want to have fun so I just don't say a word . This is my life now can not blame people for it they are happy I was once too it's not their fault ... So here we are with our pain go thru the day waiting for this day to end take my pill go to bed and hope another day is not coming .. Hope you guys have a easy day

Comment by Tildyc on November 5, 2015 at 5:01pm

Yes- to never wake up again. That is what I've wanted since Feb. 4th, 2014. Nothing else. The answer is so very obvious to me. I hate myself for not having the balls to just follow through and pull that trigger. It would take just a few seconds. All I need is to muster up a few stupid seconds of courage. 2 seconds to freedom and perhaps to once again be with my soulmate, my reason for living- my Mark. Oh happy day!

But instead, here I sit begging pitifully for escape. Full of self loathing, bitterly crying. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm sick of myself- I know and have the answer to end all my suffering. I have the means. Yet- I don't do it???

I am slowly but most assuredly, going insane.

Comment by bluebird on November 5, 2015 at 1:17pm

rachel_michelle -- it's the same for me. It takes all day to have the tiny bit of strength necessary to do laundry or go to the grocery store or pay bills online or anything.

morgan -- I see what you mean, that makes sense. I think it's good you don't hide your emotions.  Oddly, I don't think I've broken down crying in front of anyone (other than my family) since my husband's funeral.  I don't know why. I guess in public I am mostly just numb, neutral. I am a zombie.  Nothing looks right -- colors are off, sounds are strange, nothing is real.

You said that you are not physically sick, or mentally ill, but that it is your heart, that "...[your] heart is missing its binaural beat".  That is a perfect way to say it, and I fully agree.

I don't know why this shit happens. I don't care why. All I know is that existence is not what I thought it was, and I want out. Definitely out of life, and if there is no afterlife then that's it. If there is an afterlife, but if my husband is not still himself or if we cannot be together, then I want out of existence altogether, I want to cease to exist, completely.  I hope that's not the case, as I want to be with my beloved again, but I don't know. If there is a god, which I very much doubt, I want nothing to do with the useless and/or cruel bastard.

I had my issues with the world before my husband's death, but for the most part I was optimistic and reasonably happy with life. Now it's all just shot to hell.  My husband died, my mother is ill, I have no money, I don't want this goddamned fucking life.

Sleep is the only halfway helpful or "good" thing, really.  When I take a sleeping pill or Benadryl and sleep, I am unaware of all the shit.  I hate to wake up. I don't ever want to wake up again.

Comment by morgan on November 5, 2015 at 1:37am

Bluebird,

 

I think I should have called it a false existence rather than a front.  I actually don't hide my emotions.  Since moving to this small town (oldest sister had lived here and I came here after selling our home) I think I am probably known as the old lady who cries everywhere she goes.  The supermarket, the vet clinic, the post office, the jewelry store, the bank, the tire store etc, you name it I've cried there.  I can't help it.  When the pressure builds it is the only way I can release some of the pain. So its not so much a front as it is just trying to get from Point A to Point B without breaking apart.  Anytime I have to talk to someone or do a task something always relates to my hubby and it sends me off the cliff.  

I seriously don't know what I am going to do about living going forward.  I can't keep going along like this.  It is breaking me apart piece by piece and it is destroying my ability to do anything.  I haven't worked for over two years.  I need some kind of help but the help the medical community wants to give me is popping pills and I am not sick in that way.  It's not even a mental health crisis.  It is my heart.  My heart is missing its binaural beat.  I have no balance.  The lack of it is slowly eating me up.  

I always wonder why.  Why do some things happen that we have no control over and other things we seem to choose an outcome?  Why is someone murdered?  Or get cancer? Or a car accident?  Heart?  Suicide?  What is it that occurs in the space of time that children are taken and then others last until 100?  What's the purpose here?  What makes for a birth and a death?  Why certain parents, places, siblings friends etc?  

There has got to be something way bigger than what we have been studying as our journey here on this ellipse of a rock.  But why cant we know anything more about it especially when the pain becomes so intense.  Why cant we discover the source of this consciousness that keeps our mind humming along at breakneck speed experiencing things we feel exist but can't really bring into focus enough to understand them. And no, its not a god.

I was so enamored of what the world was before death.  Now all I can think about is what happens after I leave this world.  I want to know.  I need to know.  It is killing me that I can't know.  Where is he? Where did he go?  Is he waiting for me?  Will I see him again?

I better try to sleep.  I wear myself out so I can but it truly is the only place I want to be.  I just want to go to sleep forever and I want to believe that when I do he will be there again.  What a horrendous place we live in in our minds. 

Comment by rachel_micele on November 5, 2015 at 12:22am

Another pointless day. I had literally all afternoon and evening to get something substantial done and all that got done was 3 loads of laundry. Yet I feel like I should get some kind of metal for my accomplishment. I feel like such a waste of life and space. 

Comment by bluebird on November 4, 2015 at 9:18pm

morgan,

You are the first person other than myself who I've heard say that travelling more than a short distance from home (as in a few miles) triggers emotions. My job is about a 1.5 hour drive (one way) from my house, and I hate being so far away. I think because it means it will take so long for me to get home at night, and because I am afraid that something will happen to my remaining family while I am gone.

Oddly, I don't avoid music, even though it reminds me of my husband. I think that because he is a musician, it makes me feel closer to him, especially when I hear the particular bands he loves, or people/bands we saw in concert together.  I avoid so much, so many of the things we did together (tv shows we watched, food we ate, hobbies we had, etc.), but not the music. I'm sorry it is one of the triggers for you.

My life is a waste as well. I REALLY wish I could give whatever months/years i'm still "supposed" to live to someone else, someone who actually wants to live but won't, someone terminally ill.

Might I suggest not putting up a false front? I can see how it would be exhausting. Hell, it's exhausting for me to express anything other than anger and sadness. I never fake it, though. I can be neutral when I have to be, like at work, but that's about it.  Maybe you would feel a tiny bit better if you didn't put up a false front?

Comment by morgan on November 4, 2015 at 9:01pm

I'm having another onslaught too Nancy.  I am stunned after being in grief this long at how unpredictable the episodes are and how crippling they are.  In fact, suicide is rearing its head in a big way and I am not sure one of these times I may just dig out that bag and just give it a go.    I keep thinking it is bad right now because I am going to take a short one week trip and the thought of going anywhere outside of a mile which is my normal radius might be triggering the emotions.  I am also sitting here listing to the CMA Awards and my husband among other genres used to like country.  Most often I avoid music as it seems to send me into my hole but I try to listen periodically to try and harden myself but it doesn't seem to be working.  Right now I am just on the verge of breaking down but I get so tired of just reading on the computer.  

I also can't seem to get up motivation to do much even though I have plenty that I could do to keep myself busy.  I spend way too much time in my pajamas laying on the couch.  I feel so useless.  Nothing interests me anymore.  I do things because I force myself but none of it is because I want to.  

Life has just become such a waste of time which is probably why the self harm has become more appealing again.  I've put up with forcing myself to perform everyday tasks and trying to find anything that would make me have any joy but it just isn't there.

Like bluebird says, the sooner the better.  Anything, something that takes me away from this brutal existence.  I'm getting too tired to put up such a false front.  

Comment by Nancy on November 4, 2015 at 8:31pm

I've been doing ok for a few weeks, then tonight I saw some stupid post about a song... "Anywhere you go, let me go too... That's all I ask of you..." and that old familiar panic and sadness overwhelmed me. It takes so long to recover from those waves. I just had to literally hold onto the walls and try to breathe. Still not quite back yet. They're like acid trips, or ptsd flashbacks, or panic attacks, or something. It's just that realization of missing my old life and the memory of my husband dying in front of me combined.
I recommend the Alexi Murdoch song "breathe". It reminds me to just keep breathing.

Comment by morgan on November 4, 2015 at 2:12am

I need to explain one thing. When I said I don't want to have to think of him anymore it isn't that I don't want my thoughts to constantly include him, I do.  But because all my thoughts include him every second I am constantly on this high precipice and at any moment I can be pushed over the cliff and when I fall off into my hole my body (after this long dealing with the loss of my beloved) reacts with a greater degree of physical torment.  And trust me,if you are at all as emotional as me that part is wasting me every bit as much as a cancer would.  It's like my thoughts are full of cancer cells waiting to pounce.

I have done this without drugs or substance not for pride but I knew of I had any chance I needed to feel it all.  I cant say it is the right or wrong choice.  It was the one I made because of how I have chosen to cope with this loss of love but I think there is something about death that many many humans are just not able to assimilate.  Not in our DNA.  An unavoidable glitch that transcends comprehension.  

I love him………so so much.  Where is he?  Where did he go?  It's time for me.

Comment by Tildyc on November 4, 2015 at 12:33am

Oh Morgan- every word you write is my truth. and go deep. "As time has passed my brain thinks there is no way I could be this fucked up and yet I am"
"The intention of wanting to die has overwhelmed any

Luv ya!

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