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Comment by rachel_micele on November 29, 2015 at 4:08pm

"I wont be sharing a laugh about something only he and I would have found funny". Agreed Morgan. This made me think of the inside jokes that you have with no one else. Actually, others would find them weird, pointless, etc, def not funny. But with your love, how they even become inside jokes in the first place is like magic.  

Comment by rachel_micele on November 29, 2015 at 3:44pm

I agree hilary that sometimes people say the platitudes because they're uncomfortable or don't know what to say. But I've even had couple friends, who have been through a similar romantic loss, say it to me. They were the last person(s) I expected that from. So I think there are a lot different reasons possible. Out of the counselors I've had since March, 2 of the 4 have said it. So anyway, I've lost patience with that one.

Comment by bluebird on November 29, 2015 at 2:39pm

EXACTLY, Hilary.  Which is why I tell people who say stupid shit like that to bugger off

Comment by Hilary Christene on November 29, 2015 at 11:54am

Rachel_Michelle says "As for the whole "would your love want you to be sad, etc, platitude", I'm in agreement with how Tildyc described it.

It makes me reflect on this.

I think when people say "would your love want you to be sad," what they really mean is "I myself am quite uncomfortable and do not like all this terrifying ugly wellspring of sadness, yikes... how do I shut this off???"

Then they play this card "your loved one," since it's unspoken but completely known through and through by all capable of any thought or feeling that your loved one is the only answer to this sorrow... so they play it like a card. So not only do you end up getting stifled for the raw ugliness of your pain, basically meaning your suffering is shoved back down your throat, but you also get a double dose of heinous: the blasphemous tread onto your hallowed ground. As if this person who can't deal with your pain has any right to even speak of your soul mate, much less presume to know what they would want.

Shivers. Just gives me shivers.

Comment by rachel_micele on November 29, 2015 at 1:22am

I wholeheartedly agree that for those like Bonnie, you are a lucky one to not have the life shattering depths of broken and merciless hell to experience as those of us frequently here. I feel your comment of, "I dearly loved the man, he was my one great passion, but we did a lot of things on our own and while I know he is gone for ever and will not come home again, I do not feel the lost feeling I expected." is very telling. I think a key in that sentence is we did a lot of things on our own. For me, and I think I can speak for many here, Gary was the center of my life. Meant everything to me. To do something as stupidly simple as going shopping was the greatest adventure just because he was with me. We had so much in common and so much we could enjoy together. So why you don't feel your husbands absence more makes sense to me.

As for the whole "would your love want you to be sad, etc, platitude", I'm in agreement with how Tildyc described it. I've had probably 5 people say that to me and I feel myself getting more irritated with every time. Honestly, it's getting to the point I want to interrupt them mid sentence and bitchly scream in their face how it doesn't fucking matter what he would want because he's not physically here anymore. I am. I'm the one to bear this nightmare being so broken there are no pieces even left to put back together. I'll admit when he was ... alive ... his feelings mattered completely. We had a heartfelt conversation just weeks before he passed where I told him that while crying, as that was how deeply I meant it. I'm not sure how that got so reversed now that he's gone. I guess I can't help but find it very insulting to minimize or stifle my pain. Please understand no offense taken here but I do back up the other comments said.

Comment by morgan on November 29, 2015 at 12:46am

Part 2----Not a shred of me has emerged from the destruction death laid at my feet.  I am one gaping wound with a small band aid holding together pieces.  I can limp and crawl and even sometimes walk around but is it enough?  I have no spirit.  I am sitting with myself wondering, where is my spirit ….and I can share my current situation with all of you because all of you are coping with your own wounded spirit.  Each of us have a history and a present and have no concept of our future without our love.  Some who have gone before us or even after us will find ways to repair enough of their spirit to find a future.  I am still looking and not finding much in the way of purpose. 

None of us have a lock on what death will reveal to our inner selves so each of us will react in the best way we know how.  All of us, in our own way.

And no Bonnie, you didn't offend anyone.  We are here to try and support each other and no one gave us a manual.

Comment by morgan on November 29, 2015 at 12:44am

Part 1---I wish there was a way to reach out to each of you individually and communicate how I feel personally but there isn’t.  What I do know though is that for those of us who are having a difficult time with accepting the absolute and untimely loss of our love this is the place we come to explain how treacherous this journey is.  And yes, everyone’s journey is different just like everyone’s history with their partner is different. 

I was told by someone wiser than me that it is about the history that has been wiped away that for many of us is a problem.  A major problem.  We had a shared history with our husbands/wives.  We talked of things with them that we shared with no one else.   Our history was varied depending on the relationship. 

I knew my husband since 2^nd grade.  We went to small schools together.  We ended up in my senior year as sweethearts and I said no to his marriage proposal after I graduated and went away to college.  Long story short we reunited after ten years and were together till his death.  Knowing so much about him and spending our 35 years of married life hardly ever apart (maybe two weeks total when one or the other of us went to a family function alone) we grew together.  We were there for each other always.  Not always easy times, in fact, there were some really hard times but as we matured our love became the sole anchor for each other. 

So for me I just don’t know being alone.  I am not functioning at all without the constant contact that I counted on with him.  And no one else can provide it.  I couldn’t ever let another man touch me or get close at all.   I was meant to be with my husband only.  And my sister and a good friend cannot be there when I am in the four walls of my house looking for the next best option to pass time.  I have tried doing all the things I have done in the past and I am good at, but I am not finding them to be anything more than a momentary measure of diversion.  Nothing can fill the time that I spent sharing history with my husband. 

The reality of being alone now rather than just in the fog of shock is registering in my intellect and the emotion of knowing what I now face has driven me back in the hole only now can I envision what this aloneness entails.  The fog of shock kept me insulated from that.   Yes, I was alone in the fog but for some reason I kept reaching out thinking that if I kept doing so my brain would find a way to replace the pain with less suffering or I would collapse from the pain.  Either would have been fine and in a way things have changed.  I function better in general.   But the bottom line is no matter what I will do he will still be gone.  I will never have his company again.  I will never feel his touch again.  I wont be sharing a laugh about something only he and I would have found funny for the history we shared about something or someone.  I am alone.  Nothing to fill the huge void where half of me was torn from my spirit and disappeared. 

Comment by Sammie on November 28, 2015 at 11:59pm

I feel the same like Tildy, Bonnie I know that maybe faith helps you but like Trina said we all grief different. For me it's very difficult to enjoy life without my husband and what scares me more it's the age . I'm 44 and I'm hoping I don't have to live with this pain for years . I tell that to everybody no mask no nothing. So my friends , family know not to open this subject with me. We all know that we have to say good bye one day but not that early

Comment by Tildyc on November 28, 2015 at 7:47pm

Bonnie- no I'm not offended. I just felt I wanted to give you a sense of this site. It's where I, you, Morgan, Bluebird, Trina, Hilary, Nicole, Rachel Michelle, George and ALL of the broken and lost souls can be honest and understood. It is the ONLY place I can go. I have no other.

I'm not upset miss Bonnie. Plz do not worry about that. Take care-

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 28, 2015 at 6:42pm

One of the first things that my grief counsellor told me and very wisely so is that grief is very individual. Each of us feel grief differently, personally, and in a unique way. There's no right or wrong way to feel grief. So it's not very helpful or comforting to hear, especially on this site, how one must/should grieve. The lucky ones are able to move on faster with their grief and those others like myself, Tildyc, m morgan, Hilary, or Bluebird are not so fortunate.

I live in an extremely painful and lonely world of my own. My dear siblings and good friends have no inkling of the depth of grief and sorrow I feel everyday almost all the time. In front of the others I wear a mask or a hat, not to show my true emotions and feelings too openly. Because after almost 16 months they are losing patience with me and want me to "move on." I have moved on some, I don't lie on the floor and weep and wail for hours. Now I just shed quiet tears when I am reminded of Joseph by a song, a sight, a smell, or a thought. And I shed tears when I pray daily and fervently for my early death. So on this site of all places I don't want to hear that I am not " behaving in right way," as there is no right thing to do when one is in deep mourning.

My deepest empathy to all those on this site who suffer daily and hopelessly because they love their husband/partner do deeply. Peace be with you all.

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