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Comment by Linda Engberg on December 18, 2015 at 5:52am

To Rebecca

My feelings were just like yours and still are after 3 years, I can't wait to die, I would love to take the place of nephew who has cancer and a family who need him. 

Comment by morgan on December 17, 2015 at 7:40pm

Tildyc-

I have kept a correspondence up with a pen pal outside of this site and this is what I wrote today.

""There's not much that bears repeating as I think we both agree that yes, we get through another day because we breathe but both of us will be glad to relinquish our newly forced participation in a world we have quit caring about.  I went to the supermarket a little while ago and there was a high school choir singing carols and it really makes me think how little I do care.  Not because I don't want them to find joy in their lives but more because I am exhausted searching to prop myself up and then when I run into a reminder of how easy it used to be I retreat.  

I know how lucky I was to have the years I did with my husband and yet I feel it so unnecessary now to have to stay up with what it takes to live.  When we had each other to lean on and had the love that drove our desires we shared in the reason for existence.  I, like you just find no point in day following day.  I believed before he died there was purpose.  I think it is why I keep repeating the videos on the universe and search for new ones.  I keep thinking I am going to hear something that is going to give me the key that unlocks the door as to why.""

And more:

"I have no belief in a god.  I was schooled Catholic but I was questioning the whole Jesus thing at the same time I found out Santa also didn't exist.  I fell away from the whole blessings skyward thing and just began more of a karmic, inward self awareness journey.  The basic tenets are sound enough but so is common sense and the whole worship of some diety out of range just didn't cut it for me.  Now more than ever if I was a prayerful sort I would ask for my pleas to be heard and since they aren't I just suffer through more agonizing moments so relief is only what I can give myself but it ain't coming from anywhere else.  Which is probably more why I relied so heavily on my husband as he gave me hope that I wasn't so alone in managing the pitfalls of existence and produced a joy in me where I was able to actually see joy in his eyes because he felt the same way about me.  

I had a horrendous night last night.  Laid in bed "thinking" (boy that is an understatement) and since I am trying to wean myself from the Tylenol I finally just got up out of bed at 4:20 and made myself half a muffin and warmed a little coconut milk.  Sometimes the carb or maybe its the warmth seems to knock me out and I finally fell out but my sleep is always so agitated.  It's like I am not getting any REM.  Anyhow I just woke up around 2:00pm today, took a shower and realized once again that I am alive and I have to manage another day.  Just the thought of this repetitive movement that I do not want to do anymore can bring me to my knees and tears start flowing.  This afternoon there it was again, and out come the kleenex for the cleanup.  I beg for him to come get me.  It's all I keep saying.  And it's not so morose anymore as it is just a fervent wish.  I look at myself in a mirror and I wonder why he can't hear me.  Why would he let me keep hurting like I do.  I know full well it is like asking for it to be 70 degreees here today but I repeat it nonetheless.  I could never have imagined that losing my love to death where there are no answers and there is nothing I can attach to would be so hard."""

And on it goes.

Comment by Rebekah on December 17, 2015 at 7:36pm

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking and reading all these comments for the past month. Thinking how the hell did we all get here. I'm Rebekah, I'm 33, and my husband of 14.5 years, he was 38 died 8 weeks ago (yesterday). I feel like everything I've read from all of you, is exactly how I feel every second of every single day. I so wish for this life to just be over. He died right in front of me on what was supposed to be the vacation of our lifetime, Bora Bora. Celebrating our 15 year anniversary early. I am so confused, pissed off, lost, and shattered into a million pieces. I used to be such a happy and outgoing person, and loved meeting new people. I basically hate everyone now. I hate young couples, as they have their whole lives ahead of them, I hate older couples, because they have had so much longer together. My husband and I had such an amazing relationship, and wonderful life. Full of travel to fun places and living for us. All our lives were about was each other. Now all of a sudden, I have nothing. Life is over. My everything is gone, just like that, in the blink of an eye. I'm so pissed off, and I don't want to be in this life anymore. There's no point to living anymore, why would I want to, when the only person who I lived life for is gone. And just like Morgan and Tildyc said, how is he gone? Gone, just here one minute and gone the next. And how the hell am I supposed to deal with that. Realizing every single part of my life that meant something to me, is gone... I'm just so broken, and shattered. Why can't I take someone's illness who needs to live for their family and their kids. I have nothing to stay for, give it to me instead. Why, why the fuck is this happening to all of us???

Comment by Tildyc on December 17, 2015 at 9:51am

Morgan-
"The realization that this is my ending?"
It's a total mind fuck- is it not? To realize that this is it- that it will NEVER be good again. This is how we get to live out the remaining years of our lives. Alone, haunted and thoroughly broken. Without love. It's inconceivable that he won't be here with me. All those hopes and images of the 2 of us- just gone. Just a void of emptiness. A mirage that evaporated. So very very gone- my Mark. A beautiful and vital soul- a warm and comforting physical being. That was just right here- talking and touching and loving...... GONE??
YES-FUCKING GONE.

Comment by morgan on December 16, 2015 at 3:17pm

I want for nothing except for the one thing I cannot have.

What kind of ending is this?  How was I supposed to know this would tear me limb from limb.  Would I have done any different?  Well, knowing the love he gave me of course not.  But the pain.  The realization that this is my ending?  Am I supposed to rejoin the world as I knew it and be happy about it?  Really?  How?  There is no surgeon in the world that can reattach the limbs I am missing.  They sit in a box of ash in my bedroom. Try stitching that together. 

Am I past the really ugly wailing?  The place where I spent hours and hours wondering where to get even one second of relief?  Yes.  Does that make it better? No.  Now I get to live.  Not shrouded in pain as much but more understanding that no one walks with me.  No one.  I am completely alone.  It's really more than my soul can bear and yet my body refuses to give in.  

I will keep trying to have my body collapse.  I will continue to do my best to not eat. I will will myself to diminish myself physically.  Mentally I am already there.  

I want for nothing except the one thing I cannot have.

Comment by nicole irving on December 16, 2015 at 2:19am

so very very true, I wish he was here

Comment by Hilary Christene on December 15, 2015 at 10:30pm

And these certain people, with these wonderful qualities, some of them have died so much younger, so much sooner than we should have had to say goodbye to them. It is strange. How brightly they burned when they were here ... how beloved they are

Comment by nicole irving on December 15, 2015 at 5:48pm

yeah he certainly did that AnneJ and he was always the one that people felt as thou they could tease in good humour, he touched many many people

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 15, 2015 at 3:22pm

My 3rd New year's Eve without my beloved Husband, been invited to numerous party but declined all, can't stand to watch everyone else kiss their spouse, It will be just me and my little dog Babie J ringing in the New Year. She is the only thing that makes this miserable life of mine, good. Her love. 

Comment by rachel_micele on December 15, 2015 at 1:40pm

So last night as I'm trying to sleep I start thinking about new year's. I couldn't sleep as I couldn't stop crying. Not that it meant anything to Gary and I as a couple but it is one of my favorite "holidays". I see it as a celebration of life, the current good and good to come. I told him new year's day of this year I didn't want to imagine my life without him in it. Now I've been living it. Yes, things happen. Yes, I have felt him in spirit. But this feels so fucked up. Life. Thou heartless bitch.

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