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Comment by Colleen McCann on January 28, 2016 at 9:07am

I lost the love of my life, my husband on December 16, 2015.  I am so alone.  I just want to be with him.. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 28, 2016 at 2:22am

Bluebird,

I have the exact same feeling as you, lost my Husband to cancer 3 years ago and life is still not worth living. Each day is a living hell.

Comment by bluebird on January 27, 2016 at 8:07pm

Jane,

You can use this site as your grief group, if it helps you. I have no desire to see a counselor/therapist, but in some ways I find that being able to really express how horrific this life/situation is on this site has been a bit of a release.

My husband died just over 3 years ago, and life sucks as much now as it did then. For me, that will never change.  The first 3 or 4 months after he died I was in shock; I barely remember anything from that time. In some ways life is even worse now, because everyone else has gone on with their lives (although my family is very loving and supportive, and also still suffer his loss), whereas I am permanently stuck in certain horrific moments -- receiving the phone call telling me he collapsed; seeing him dead in the hospital bed, seeing him in the coffin at the funeral home, etc.  Anyway, I know what you mean about having been numb.

Do you want to talk about why last week was particularly tough for you?

Comment by Jane Kesler on January 27, 2016 at 6:10pm

Although I have searched, there are no groups where I live.  Unless I wanted to travel 40 miles.   Back then I desperately needed some one to talk to and got absolutely no where.  My husband of 38 years passed in an instant from an aneurysm - 3 years ago this month.  The first month I was numb, but there was no where to go but ahead.  I had a really tough week last week.

 

Comment by Sammie on January 27, 2016 at 4:38pm

Hi everyone didn't check in for a while that's because I loss my vision went for glasses but it is more then that they sent me for MRI and find a big mass on my scalp going to my brain. So I'm in tge hospital they want to perform a surgery by next week I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I just miss reading your post but will see what's gonna happen to me I'm just worried for my family see them how they suffer but I told them either way k have somebody waiting for me wish you guys the best my eyes giving up I really don't see to good what I'm typing . I'm hoping I can still check in with you guys hugs to everybody

Comment by Sherry on January 27, 2016 at 2:35pm

So I called All his family including his son and my pastor and All of my family as well!  Two hours later the doctor finally told me that Curt had a brain bleed!  The biggest he had ever seen and he gave him a 70% chance of not surviving...They had to get his blood at a place where they could do surgery because it was too thin (he was on blood thinner because he had two titanium heart valves) So, it wasn't until 9 that night before they could do it~! He never spoke a word after he had told me to call 911 but right before they took him, he opened his eyes and looked and me and said "I LOVE YOU"~!  He was in surgery 2 hours and the surgeon came out and told me, his son, our daughter, and my pastor, that he and his partner (combined over 50 years experience) that it was the biggest brain bleed they had ever seen, and that there was old blood (2 days old)....And he told us he had a 80% chance of not surviving if he even made it through the night!!!!!  I was devastated, the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate, my EVERYTHING, I was hysterical~!!!  My parents got there that night and his parents the next day but we were only allowed to see him for 10 minutes an hour!  I NEVER LEFT THE HOSPITAL~!  The next day he woke up....but he didn't know who I was....he loved me so much and I just wanted him to look in my eyes and say I love you...I honestly thought because how deep our love was that he would know me....devastated~~!!!!  I had his advance directive that said if he did not know his family, friends if he couldn't take care of himself, if he couldn't eat or walk, he wanted to be unplugged from the machines!  I had to give it to the doctor and give my permission to do that..I am still mad at myself...God might have healed him and he would still be here......he lived 2 days he had a tube in his head still draining the blood, he still was paralyzed on his right side~!  But, they put him in a regular room after the unplugged him so that anybody could see him (only family was allowed before).  I NEVER left his side...I held his had...I slept with him those last 2 nights so I could hear his heart beat~!!!  I was waiting for my miracle~!  at 8:00 in the morning he took his last breath~!  I couldn't see him like that~!  I wanted him alive with me for the rest of our lives~!  We always talked about what we were going to do the rest of our lives~!  How do you deal with that?????  I wake up everyday and am still so heart broken~!  I love him, Sometimes I feel like I can't go on~!!!  Nothing will ever be the same, when he died, a part of me died with him and that will be with me for the rest of my life~!  I am so miserable!!!  I ask God why would he give me this amazing man, who made my life so amazing, and then take him away so early in his life!!!!  I have quit going to church!!!  I am angry at God!!!

Comment by Sherry on January 27, 2016 at 2:35pm

I lost my husband, Curt 11-9-14 but it still feels like yesterday!  Curt was the most amazing man and we were so in love!  We always made out everyday!  My husband was the most giving man (he was only 51) He was a retired fire fighter of 25 years in Chicago and Kansas City...He risked his life every day for people he didn't know!  He was the same with every day of his life, he was always so giving and was the first to always volunteer to help anyone!  I remember once we were talking to a widow at church and she said, "I bet you could change light bulbs without a ladder (my husband was 6'8)  he asked her if she needed some changed...she said yes so we followed her home and my husband changed her light bulbs) But that was the kind of man he was~!  Curt died because he was helping the men at church build a room on someones house because their parents were moving in with them...my husband fell off the ladder and broke some ribs and hit his head.  We went to the E.R and they did a Cat Scan and told him he was fine and I specifically asked how his head was~!  The doctor was rude and said "No he does not have a brain bleed"  1 1/2 days later...at 4 a.m. he woke me up and said to call 911 because he thought he was having a stroke!  by the time the paramedics got there he was paralyzed on his right side!  (We thought it was a stroke..it wasn't)  When we got to the hospital they did a cat scan the that doctor (different one) came in and told me they were transferring him to a hospital in Spingfield 30 miles away because they had a Neuro Surgeon...I asked what was going on and he said they would explain to me there!!!  At that hospital they took him to another Cat Scan and put me in a room with a Chaplin and a nurse and they told me it was very serious to call his family....(his parents live in North Carolina, sister in Ohio! But, still didn't tell me what was going on they said that the Brain surgeon would talk to me when he was out of surgery!  

Comment by Sherry on January 27, 2016 at 2:35pm

I lost my husband, Curt 11-9-14 but it still feels like yesterday!  Curt was the most amazing man and we were so in love!  We always made out everyday!  My husband was the most giving man (he was only 51) He was a retired fire fighter of 25 years in Chicago and Kansas City...He risked his life every day for people he didn't know!  He was the same with every day of his life, he was always so giving and was the first to always volunteer to help anyone!  I remember once we were talking to a widow at church and she said, "I bet you could change light bulbs without a ladder (my husband was 6'8)  he asked her if she needed some changed...she said yes so we followed her home and my husband changed her light bulbs) But that was the kind of man he was~!  Curt died because he was helping the men at church build a room on someones house because their parents were moving in with them...my husband fell off the ladder and broke some ribs and hit his head.  We went to the E.R and they did a Cat Scan and told him he was fine and I specifically asked how his head was~!  The doctor was rude and said "No he does not have a brain bleed"  1 1/2 days later...at 4 a.m. he woke me up and said to call 911 because he thought he was having a stroke!  by the time the paramedics got there he was paralyzed on his right side!  (We thought it was a stroke..it wasn't)  When we got to the hospital they did a cat scan the that doctor (different one) came in and told me they were transferring him to a hospital in Spingfield 30 miles away because they had a Neuro Surgeon...I asked what was going on and he said they would explain to me there!!!  At that hospital they took him to another Cat Scan and put me in a room with a Chaplin and a nurse and they told me it was very serious to call his family....(his parents live in North Carolina, sister in Ohio! But, still didn't tell me what was going on they said that the Brain surgeon would talk to me when he was out of surgery!  

Comment by Mel Royer on January 27, 2016 at 8:16am

Same here, George! I don't care if I ever  accomplish anything again.  When I'm not broken down in sorrow, I am apathetic about everything. I still do absolutely nothing around the house. I write my letter to Nancy, which I do daily, always around 6:50 a.m. and then lapse into malaise. At the moment, I doubt that will ever change and I see my days just running from one to another while I achieve absolutely nothing. I hope to see my bride soon, that is all I have to look forward to.   Take care, George. For me, this group is my life saver.

Comment by Hilary Christene on January 27, 2016 at 7:26am

I hear you George, Alice, Rachel ... as the shock wears off there is now little protection from how the events and the world going on around me feel irrelevant and even like a giant mistake.

Perhaps my grief will do me the supreme kindness of boring me to death.

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