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Comment by morgan on February 7, 2016 at 1:00am

sammie……what happened with your surgery?  Been thinking about you but figured you might be out of it somewhat under anesthesia…..Whatever is  and wherever you are…..sending you lots of light……morgan

Comment by rachel_micele on February 5, 2016 at 9:30pm

"Another question that never gets answered is WTF am I suppose to do now?" I know Tildyc. I wish I had the answer. Gary wasn't supposed to go, not now. He wasn't ready to; I wasn't ready for him to either. That's a fact. But it happened. Somehow we're suppose to find some kind of sense and continued purpose. It'd be easier to tell a fish to swim on land. I don't know how to just be okay with that. I'm supposed to be grateful I'm still alive?? What the fuck for?? I didn't come back from a death bed. I went to one. Gary was finally my ticket to somewhere I've always wanted to go. Now I carry the weight of never having any of that or him in physical existence for the rest of this lifetime. Gee, thanks. Just what I always wanted.

Yea, he passed from natural causes. It wasn't a freak accident that could of/should of been avoided, a senseless murder, anything like that. When I think of those who had their life obliterated for completely unnatural reasons, I guess I should feel lucky I don't have that degree of hell to deal with. Although natural - sudden, completely unexpected, and premature was more than I could handle.

Tildyc's post made me think of what was happening exactly one year ago today. Gary had a conversation with his attorney. The work comp case was finally going to come to a close after a very long year and a half. The company's insurance was ready to settle. Now it was just setting up a meeting to agree on the amount. Gary was over the moon excited. What this meant for us was huge.

But now it's all just the path that no longer exists ... I can't even find the fucking words ...

Comment by Robin Quinn on February 5, 2016 at 3:17pm

Tidyc, I totally agree with you.  I am still trying to figure out wth I am supposed to do now.  I still can't believe he will never  be by my side again.  1 month of being sick and he's gone.  I am so angry at the clinic for not finding his cancer even after all the tests he had done.  They killed him and now I have nothing.

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 5, 2016 at 6:49am

Hi Tidyc,

I also agree with everything you say, after three years I am still a broken shell of a woman and just don't know how much longer I can bear living without my Julian. Cancer is the devil himself.

Comment by Tildyc on February 5, 2016 at 2:20am

Hi all- There are so many new people here now. It's so extremely hard to comprehend how much pain that is inflicted upon us. It is debilitating sucker punch that has left me defenseless and broken. There was no preparing for this devastation. I'm permanently broken and never will recover. Those are just the hard facts. My undeniable truth.

This evening,1 yr ago at this very moment I was in the ER. The Dr who was responsible for the death of my soul mate- looked at me and told me that he's seen this type of thing before and that Mark most probably wasn't going to make it. The nurses and EMT's where still doing cpr and shocking his heart. I felt as if this Dr of death was talking to someone else. I was there but- how the hell could I be??? This was not my precious and beloved man laying naked on that cold hard metal gurney. So vunerable and helpless. Jeezus- my poor sweet baby. I wanted help him- to save him. To cover him and make him warm again. To protect him. Which I was unable to do.
I went back over to him and leaned over his beautiful face- I looked into his expressive hazel eyes and what I saw ripped that person I used to be out of my chest and she died right there. I will never forget that empty dead look in his eyes. There are no words to communicate the crushing, panicked, horrifying weight. It is the like you have been abducted and imprisoned in a terrifying and foreign place you never could even imagined could exsist. I swear I literally felt all the warmth leave my soul.

This last year I have been living in a empty painful and dark landscape. Nothing is recognizable and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I will never recover.

The last few weeks I been having flash backs of every thing we did and said together each day leading up to Feb 4th. So many details. So much to regret now. So many bittersweet memories. They haunt me constantly.

I broke down again at work today. I was able to hide before anyone took notice. I was doing my order inventory and in my mind I flashed back to when Mark would come in to see me for a moment. It is so vivid, his shuffling walk, his wonderful cheesy grin, his warm voice, his favorite hoody and warm black pants. Big old Xtra-Tuff boots. The look in his eyes. His gestures and stance. Every detail. I knew him so very well. He was my entire world. He was so very essential to my happiness and my reason for living.

I still ask the same questions over and over again. How could this warm breathing being just be fucking gone?? He was just fucking here for god sake. I still cannot comprehend that concept. Where the hell have you gone Hun? You where just here, by my side. Occupying your space in this world...in "our world". How can you be just-GONE? You belong here with ur girl babe.... Its all wrong.

Another question that never gets answered is WTF am I suppose to do now? A lifetime without you ahead of me. It is too much to ask of me. I'm so fragile and unbalanced now. So hopeless and just waiting to finally just die. I'm still here now but no one knows how many times I have headed into the thick Alaskan forests with intentions of never coming back out. And when I think about all the many lonely and meaningless yrs I still have to live and the millions of tears I will shed- it's hard to come up with a solid reason to continue in this stark and loveless life. I do have the means to "free" myself. But so far- not the balls yet.

I haven't communicated as of late to all the kindred here . I've not had the energy or mental strength to pour myself out lately. My will to continue existing is bottoming out. Every GD thing is just too much for me to deal with anymore. I don't have much left in me anymore. Actually- I am just a shell now- and nothing more. Plz take care everyone..... My kindred.

Comment by Robin Quinn on February 2, 2016 at 8:51am

I see so many people on here with the same feelings as I have.  So many broken people out there. I lost my older brother 3 years ago at the same age as my husband, both only 53 when they died.  I thought i had heartbreak then, now it's a different kind and worse.

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 2, 2016 at 5:41am

Robin,

I agree with you, it's been almost three years and I will be whole again.

I just don't fit in the world anymore without my beloved husband.

Comment by Robin Quinn on February 1, 2016 at 9:36pm

Thank you Colleen.  My husband always said he was ready.  I know he's with me in spirit, but that doesn't help a whole lot when you want him by your side.  You can't hug them anymore.  I can talk out loud to him, then find myself thinking I'm crazy to do that.  I know he didn't want to leave me, but it wasn't his choice.  I blame the clinic where he was being seen for years for not catching his cancer in time.  They took my soulmate from me.  Now I'm only half alive and don't see myself ever being whole again.

Comment by Colleen McCann on February 1, 2016 at 7:20pm

I am sorry for your loss, Robin.

Comment by Robin Quinn on February 1, 2016 at 6:53pm

I guess feelings of guilt are pretty normal after reading comments.  I keep thinking I should have done more for him, he did everything for me and it seems like I didn't do as much.  I'm glad we talked alot during his time in the hospital.  I keep thinking I should have known he was that sick.  and that I didn't love him enough and that's why he was taken from me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

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