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Comment by morgan on March 1, 2016 at 12:04am

Rachel, you summarize the extent of the impact very well.  Even at this point in my sorrow I am still amazed at how my entire life has been drastically changed and as you highlighted the "profound loss of security and confidence"  is something that I am constantly battling.  Thus my isolation……where I can feel my pain in private and the tortured place I live is only between me and my walls. At three years plus most people cannot even imagine I could possibly still be suffering.  

There is no end to this. I lost all semblance of what I considered to be normal a long while ago.  As the author said "the gap between what should be and what is".  There just are no answers that bring that gap together.  I live in the gap.  

Thanks again……..You and others are so knowing of what this journey is like and how we all struggle with finding our way.  There is some comfort in knowing all of us are blind. 

Comment by rachel_micele on February 29, 2016 at 11:14pm

I'm glad Morgan you got something out of the article as well. I thought the author was great putting some things in perspective of the additional trauma we with sudden loss must endure. I'm thinking I will look into her book. 

One of the things that stood out the most for me was also the concept of how we have absolutely no anticipation period for this to make sense. The last text conversation between Gary and I ended around 1pm that day, roughly 30 minutes before he passed. In that was the mention of how he wasn't feeling well that morning but was now feeling better. I had no thought whatsoever this would be our last conversation with him physically alive. Four and a half hours later I text. No reply. I continue to text the remainder of the night. No reply. I knew this wasn't like him at all and wanted to think it was just something that happened with his phone. I finally am able to find out the next day. As the author says, "In sudden death you are called upon to face a massive gap between the way the world should be, with your loved one alive, and the way the world is." For me that gap was indeed massive and literally immediate. 

The other thing is our profound loss of security and confidence in the world and it now becoming such an unpredictable place which is frightening. There is no such thing anymore as blissfully naive. And that equals risk - such a high risk our pain almost feels guaranteed. What a tortured place we live. 

Comment by morgan on February 29, 2016 at 2:38pm

Rachel,  I just finished reading the article of the link you posted and it was SO valuable.  I want to thank you for giving me that gift today.  The woman who wrote it really hit the nail on the head.  

My husband died in 27 days from diagnosis to death and it was not enough time to understand what was about to happen so what she wrote about I am still going through.  

Two things stick with me.  Overwhelmed and the loss doesn't make sense.  Both of which I struggle with daily.  Having the writer explain it like she did helps to validate my own feelings.  

Thank you so much…….

morgan

Comment by rachel_micele on February 29, 2016 at 1:04pm

I liked a lot of what this article said. For those whose loss was sudden: http://www.legacy.com/news/advice-and-support/article/sudden-death

Comment by O.L. Cato on February 29, 2016 at 8:06am

I feel that I will always mourn the loss of my husband. I wake up daily crying, knowing I will not see or hear him ever again.  I wonder if God is taking care of him.  I ask my husband to take care of me......he always did.  I am lost, lonely and feel I will never stop grieving for him.

Comment by bluebird on February 29, 2016 at 7:52am

i agree with all of you. my husband died 3.5 years ago, and i am mourning as much now as i was then, and i always will be.

Comment by O.L. Cato on February 29, 2016 at 7:48am

You said it so well Trina.  I lost my husband two months ago and so many people tell me it's time to "get over it."  I'll never see my darling again.  My heart is broken, there are no words.

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 29, 2016 at 6:41am

Well said Trina.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 29, 2016 at 2:58am

Hello All,

Just a note to send you all love and to say that we here on this forum understand the pain of our kindred spirits. 

It's so true about people not having a clue as to how it feels to have lost the love of your life, your life partner. There is NO time limit for grief. Some people get over their loss in a few months, and for some others the grief and sense of loss last until the day they die. I am one of those who will forever mourn the loss of my wonderful husband Joseph.

More than a year and half have passed since he left this world, but that doesn't mean that I've "moved on." Well, in some ways, in terms of practical, day to day things, perhaps I have. I am doing better than I have in the past one year in this regard, but the ongoing, everyday intense feeling of void, loss, and pain hasn't, and it will not go away anytime soon.

People who haven't experienced a devastating, life altering loss like us don't have any point of reference, so they can't fathom the depth of our pain and suffering. So for a long time now when people ask me: "How are you?" I just say okay or good. And that's what they want to hear. I don't want to explain to these people b/c they wouldn't understand even if I did. So why bother? 

I am so glad that we have this forum to come to, so we can commiserate and comfort each other. 

Hang in there, all of you! Know that there are others here who relate and who understand. Be well.

Love, Trina

Comment by Mel Royer on February 26, 2016 at 10:10am

I get that same feedback as well. It's as though my daughters and my brother have written me off. I guess they figure I should be over all this grieving shit by now and getting on with my life. What's left of it that is. Until they experience the same gut wrenching life altering loss  that we have experienced, they haven't a clue!  And like you, Joanne, I'm getting to the place where I prefer my solitude. At ;east, when I break down and lose it, there's no one around to judge me. Nancy knew me inside and out. There is no one like her and never will be another like her.  I miss you, Nancy!

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