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Comment by stewart p on May 19, 2016 at 5:24pm

I do not find anywhere in my Bible but for a couple of exceptions where we are told God "takes" anyone, neither does it state anywhere he  "takes the good ones".  Those two statements are incorrect.  What it does say as in Rom 8.28 he will use all things for a good purpose.  After years and decades I now look back and I can see at every twist and turn in the lives of others and in my own where this has held true without exception.  And when I have found myself struggling with accepting this it has been the result of my own expectations, desires, wants &/or impatience.   God does not cause "suffering", it is a consequence of the world in which we currently live in, but he does promise to use that suffering for good in which I have found no reason to doubt.

May I suggest for anyone who is uncertain or feels lost especially at such a time to ask him to give us his comfort, peace and strength and I promise you as time moves on he will be faithful.  Our prayers may not be answered how we like them to be answered or in the time we like but they will be answered, and eventually with hindsight we will see how that good emerged. 

Comment by morgan on May 19, 2016 at 2:52pm

Yes Stewart,  we certainly possess their love inside of us.  If I didn’t I would not “feel”the vacancy I do.   It would not affect me.  And were I to know this pain prior would I have chosen not to love my husband?  I can say of course not, but then I would not have understood the feeling at that point like I do now…… of this emptiness, this pain.  You have to feel it to understand it. 

 

And yes, it is a question to be answered, what we do with the pain of the days of missing our love, how to endure it .  That is the million dollar conundrum.  I also believe the relationship with my husband is not over.  It cannot be because I can’t stop thinking of him.  But it is exactly the changing of form having been so used to the appearance of having my husband be with me, travelling in the same space time continuum that my head just cannot accept this change.   I am unable to do it and I have tried all the suggested ways that we all try.

 

I cry, I study, I think,  I function, I contemplate, I do what I can to make it different.  I am living in a vacuum now.  A space completely devoid of matter.  Matter defined as a verb, there is nothing signifcant in my life anymore. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 19, 2016 at 5:01am

Hello Bluebird, Tildyc, morgan, and joanne,

I totally understand your feelings. I believe in God, but it pains me when people tell me that God has a purpose for me that's why S/He took my wonderful husband Joseph so soon. Even though I believe in God, I have never come to terms with the fact that God often gives people immeasurable suffering, especially to those who have not deserved it, yet murderers, rapists, and war criminals live well into old age and enjoy life with their loved ones. It just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I was brought up to believe that God is compassionate and merciful, but in my experience with Joseph dying at age 49, S/He hasn't been compassionate. So it really doesn't help when people talk about God and His/Her purpose. What purpose? To cause people unspeakable pain and to take away young people who had 30-40 more years to live? It's all very cruel and unnecessary. 

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. -- Trina

Comment by joanne on May 19, 2016 at 2:19am

I forgot to add that in one of the sympathy cards I received , a relative had wrote in it , ' I hope it gives you comfort to know he (god) only takes the good ones young' what a ridiculous,  stupid statement, I say if he's real why don't he take the Dads thats don't give a fuck bout their kids , or take the low life scumbags that exists in our society,  not good decent, loving,  hard working people , like my Andy xx 

Comment by Tildyc on May 19, 2016 at 2:01am

I feel exactly as you do bluebird. My beautiful irreplaceable soul mate is never never never- fucking ever coming home again. I will never ever be ok again. and there is no man entity or a god or a phrophet or witch dr that exsist it's that can make my

Comment by joanne on May 19, 2016 at 1:59am

Bluebird , I agree exactly, I don't really believe in God,  but if he is rea, iI too think he can go fuck himself!!

Comment by bluebird on May 18, 2016 at 7:48pm

I have to say that I don't understand it when people (on this site, and/or on other sites, and/or "in real life") say things like "God doesn't mean for us to mourn forever".  You know what? I don't give a flying fuck what "god wants", if god exists at all.  If god does exist, s/he allowed my husband to die, at age 40 and one week after our wedding, so god can fuck right off, as far as i'm concerned.  I don't expect everyone to share my view, I just felt the need to say it.

Comment by stewart p on May 18, 2016 at 2:08pm

yes Morgan, I am tired and exhausted as well, sometimes more than other times.  I found for myself when this is the case I give myself permission to rest from it all stepping away from it all into the quiet whisper of the wind lost alone in our thoughts.

 

Having "had the love" you mention I believe we still do.  While our beloved has gone from this earthly existence do we not still posses their love inside us?

I know its hard and painful and seems like such a daunting task one must naturally ask themselves how can I?  We find others who travel before and along side us whose grief is no less than our own and we realize this is a journey that had to be taken were we to know the love we have.

I dont know how it ends and how while each day melts into the next one somehow we are expected to endure.  However I do know each of us continues posses the love we shared and that the only real choice we ever had and still do is what we do with it.  Do you we share it with those around us or blow it out as we would candle flame?

During the first couple of years I use to myself and I dont know if its quirky or not but I always felt it was true, and I think I still do and that is my relationship with my wife is not entirely over, it has only changed with its form and in its nature. 

I encourage you to hang in there, endure and with time perhaps different perspectives might arise from within that will you travel on this journey.  I hope so because your ability to do so encourages others who you may not even aware of right now.  Someday we see ourselves stronger or more defeated then in other days supporting the statement this truly is a roller coaster of a ride and sometimes we just have to ride it out for a while till the scenery changes again.

Comment by Susan on May 18, 2016 at 1:15pm

Stewart p,

I can't agree with you more. Thank you for expressing your thoughts.

"Think about that for a minute and how profound that truly is, not in the context what our society values which sucks anyway, but in terms of the humanity of it. ...they reached through their pain which is as real as yours or mine and began touching the lives of those around them in ways only someone who experienced what they had could. ...And what possibly, possibly could anyone do greater [to] honor the memory and remember their love[d] [one] than to bless others with it?  That therein truly becomes a selfless love."

Comment by morgan on May 18, 2016 at 1:05pm

 

Part 2  Look for Part 1 below 

 Likely as not that is why it has been so difficult for me to do much more than say I exist and don't care to do much else.  Maybe it's not helpful for others but it is the only way I can see to stay afloat in this miserable world.  I mean really. Look around.  I have it really good while so many others have nothing.  Throughout my life I have found ways to do good things for myself and others.  I am a passivist, a former yoga practioner and believe we all have a message to deliver during this lifetime.  But I had the love of a man who helped me do that because he was never far from my right elbow (or left).  He was The rock.  Not a rock.  The rock.  I just don't care too much anymore about being involved and doing things other than existing. It's just not in me. I’m exhasusted.  Just tired.

 

I've said before I did everything I ever wanted and it didn't mean traveling around the world and buying lots of expensive things.  For me it was always about having a close loving relationship.  The rest was just a bonus.  Now I don't have that close loving relationship and that sacred space will never be occupied again.  So I am empty.  Running on fumes.  Anxious to leave because I am taking up space and it could be better used.  Old pragmatic soul as well.    In the meantime I still have kept pace with the politics of today, I am rehabbing old homes and trying to live a light footprint.  That was who I was and who I still am. I just am missing the one ingredient that made it all worthwhile.  

I was a reflection of myself looking into my husbands blue eyes and that mirror has shattered.  I cannot, no, I will not pretend that I live in a universe I enjoyed to suit the models set up by a society that cannot even talk about death other than to give us a one way ticket to Magic Kingdom.  Reality is a bit less forgiving.  The current three year filter has just opened the shock filter a bit wider and I still take baby steps that for some would be giant leaps but as we say our grief is personal.  

I miss him.  I miss every single part of that flesh and blood creation of him and my heart is broken.  Try putting together that cracked egg.  It's me.  I'm that egg.

 

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