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Comment by Chum on May 21, 2016 at 5:33pm

CJ: your words are exactly how I feel coming to this site. Hearing directly from others in pain helps me regardless of where they are in this experience. I haven't begun to think of what Jordan's death means in terms of belief systems because for me it just is. It's real and I miss him. He had an extraordinary spiritual belief which showed me a perspective that is very helpful. God based but nothing to do with organized religion which I find unhelpful and truth be known would leave me feeling many here. Angry and frustrated.

I am lost, floating around, wondering what to do with myself, but am not angry as for Jordan it was his time to go and he embraced it. He wanted an aware death and he got it, so I don't have any anger that he died. But somehow coming here and hearing how others are managing or not managing, is helpful as it stops me from judging how I'm coping. I am pretty much alone, no family in this country, best friend died a couple of years ago. I'm not too lonely and the upside isn't hearing how I should be grieving/getting over it/ or the cliches such as 'he's in a better place'. (You know this, how?)

Comment by CJ Moore on May 21, 2016 at 8:31am

While I wish none of us were in this group, I am learning so much about grief; I find Hope in hearing everyone's journey. The most important thing I have learned so far is that grief is so personal, no right or wrong way. I want to share because I feel like I need to know I am not alone in my loss. Like I said, I would rather it not be so, but it is ...and I take comfort (as odd as it sounds) in knowing that 'good' or 'bad', we all have a profound loss.

Comment by joanne on May 21, 2016 at 4:09am

Stewart, I have not took anything you have said badly,we are all here on this site for the same reason, we just all have our own different beliefs and like I said before I respect everyones point of view. Xxxx

Comment by Tildyc on May 21, 2016 at 3:14am

Many folk can get comfort from religion, god, faith... For myself, I feel like I've been lied to all my life about this subject. Force fed a bunch of far fetched crazy confusing stories. All written by people who lived so long ago. All I got out of religion was a feeling of guilt for simply being human. Faith- god, has done nothing for me. My Mark is gone. And I cry every day. Over the last year and 3+ months my sorrow has changed but has not lightened. For me-it never will become bearable. It has morphed me into this reclusive broken angry sad person. I hate this life without him- I honestly still wish to be dead. I DO NOT WANT THIS WORTHLESS EXSISTANCE.

I know I' sound random and my thoughts seem broken. But as time passes I only become less and less capable of expressing myself and dealing with a reality in wich Mark no longer resides. I am a shell.

Comment by stewart p on May 21, 2016 at 12:11am

just to be clear there is no doubt, i never implied I would not rather have my wife back and the life it came with, but just as with everyone else here that was never an option from which i may choose

Comment by stewart p on May 21, 2016 at 12:06am

after thinking and discussing this here a little bit this evening something is becoming clearer to me.  I remember the first year during a group meeting someone mentioned they had begun volunteering at a nearby homeless shelter and she mentioned how it was helping her in her grief.  I heard the words and understood what she was saying but for a long time after I remember only being able to wish I could feel the same.  Well now some more time has passed and with it I find myself more aware than ever how I interact with others and am finding myself trying to look for opportunities to help those around me.  What im trying to say, and I suppose Frankl's book also hits the point home for me right now, is that i find that when I spend less time  dwelling on my own grief and instead looking to how I can comfort others around me I feel more at ease and enveloped in the love my wife left me with. In  others words focusing more on others and less on my own pain in a strange way brings me comfort and the "solace" bluebird mentioned previously.  And from that context I can add that God is indeed helping me use this tragedy for something good.  And when those moments arise as they still do but I allow myself to sink further into focusing on what my on greif and what has been lost I begin to feel more grief and despair.

Comment by rachel_micele on May 20, 2016 at 11:45pm

I have been sitting back and reading this latest discussion not sure if I wanted to contribute but I'm feeling the need to clear my head. I liked Stewart you mentioning the authors/books and have been thinking to look into them. I want to hear the most tragic stories I can find.

I grew up in religion, grew up going to church and being very involved, to completely walking away, disgusted, from organized religion 12 years ago. But my hatred and bitterness isn't towards any "god" entity but at life. I guess I give "life" the identity of the heartless bitch that didn't take my love away from me but gave me this shitty hand. Tragic things happen and not that I ever thought I was immune to it but I just never thought about it happening to me. 

To say something good can come out of my tragedy, I agree with what seems the majority and I rarely use the word "never". But no, nothing good will ever come from this. I will not bring religion into this concept because then I start getting into my fore-mentioned disgust. The only perspective this may change is to not let things go unsaid. But to not take life for granted, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger - all those cliche sayings - who gives a flying fuck. I'd rather just have my love and my planned life back. Some people start a legacy or do something in honor of their love and I may be able to see how that could help someone feel this concept of good out of bad but still, don't care. Didn't ask for this nightmare and I'm still just trying to learn how to survive and live with it.

Comment by bluebird on May 20, 2016 at 11:25pm

stewart,
I sincerely mean it when I say it is good you have found some solace and/or some meaning. If you are able to find nuggets of wisdom that help you at all, that is a genuinely good thing.

Comment by stewart p on May 20, 2016 at 11:19pm

i dont know if I find some solace from it or what, I guess I was just looking for any little nuggets of wisdom that could help me get to another day.  But one of the things he points out repeatedly is those more likely to survive found meaning and purpose through reaching out and touching those around them, all other circumstances being equal.  At the risk of stating the obvious, similarly that is what we here are all doing right now to some degree isnt it?  Is there nothing good that could possibly come out of any of this here?  And during this time while my wife is still not here I feel I have shared her love if even only a little bit for a moment and that believe sends chills up and down my spine.

Comment by bluebird on May 20, 2016 at 10:58pm

stewart,

It's good that you are able to find some solace.  I am not.  It is very different for different people.  I read Man's Search for Meaning years ago; it is a good and valuable book, but it does not even begin to touch how I feel about the death of my beloved soulmate. Some situations are just horrible and shitty and devastating and life/soul destroying, and for me the death of my husband is such a situation, it is the worst possible thing, it has removed all value from my life.  My husband died nearly four years ago, and it is all as horrible now as it was then.

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