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Comment by morgan on May 25, 2016 at 2:35pm

Every day I prop myself up.  I try to prop up others.  I try to do things to help myself . I try to suggest things to help others.  I actually do things to help others.  

But everyday there is always something I cannot do without the help and support and love that I had from my husband.  And everyday there are things that I cannot get the kind of help I was used to having and so I just stumble along. I can't do this forever.  

 I was part of a team.  Instead of feeling as though I can make it through this by talking my way through it I am crawling closer to the bag of pills. Still crawling but they seem to be looming larger.

I do not know how to ask for help because it simply is not available to me with all the everyday stuff that comes up so I defer doing it.  Or I ask for help and am sorely disappointed when it comes at too high a price. And I don't mean a price of money. Everyone I ask for help has their own life.  I get that.  I have to be fit into their life and what problems they are dealing with. So as I struggle with how I am going to get something done it is exacting  its pound of flesh from me in the brain and how I think about life.

I wonder when the price will just become too high and I will succumb to the easier way of dealing with it.

Today is just another one of those debilitating days where crying is my only solution.  How many of these will my body have to confront before it just gives me what I want?

Am I going through another rough patch or is this just one long nightmare with interludes of just a little less depressing moments of time?  Haven't I suffered enough yet? I am now trying to force myself to stop this constant feeling so sorry and it just keeps coming at me.  I feel like I belong in a mental ward somewhere.  I used to meet these kinds of challenges to my life all the time and conquered them each and every time.  BUt he was beside me.  I have to keep talking to people.  I have to keep making arrangements for things.  I just don't know how much longer I can handle this. What can I do to change this paradigm?

Write……..continue to write and write and write……..

Comment by Mel Royer on May 25, 2016 at 8:29am

Thank you Morgan....I too have been amazed at the constant never ending addition of new members. I realize we don't live forever but it puts it into perspective when you see how the number of new grievers increases, day after day. Every morning, I sit and write my letter of Nancy. I always implore her to "come back to me". Knowing that she never will, I start thinking,well, maybe I'll "go to her" then. For a brief moment, i entertain the possibility of seeing her again and I feel some relief. Life is so hard. There is no joy left. I am dealing with other problems that are compounding my grief. Financial, house maintenance problems, too much to think about. Mainly, the reality of loss.  The loss of my Nancy and a hollow, broken life. 

Comment by morgan on May 24, 2016 at 2:59pm

Mel Part 2

When I see more of those little boxes in the side column it just pains me to know there are people who probably have just found this site and are desperate for answers.  I have no idea why we have been left behind to have to live like this. I was never probably super optimistic to begin with when looking at the world and all of the problems we have so maybe my own dilemma is that I don't see much worth in the whole thing.  Unfortunately,  my body continues to thrive. I spent a lot of years being self-aware, caring and taking care of my body. My husband was self-aware and caring he just didn't take care of his body as much. Although we all die from something different. Now I am doing everything possible to wreck myself. There's no explaining how my husband's death has rocked my world.  I'm totally different on one hand and yet I see the same person on the other. It makes for such major conflict. I attempt to act and do like the old me but my thoughts, my brain, my thinking is constantly overshadowed by the fact that he is constantly with me in my head so I can never separate that thinking from how I act. Everything just gets jumbled up. And I'm not even in any first stages of dementia either, I'm just exhausted from fighting my own brain.

 

I know this doesn’t provide any answers but your pain is so real in your writing I just wanted to have you know that despite what everyone seems to want to belive this is hell and I live there with you.  Writng this is not going to dispel that overwhelming attachment that is keeping you from living.  All it is meant to do is to let you know that you aren’t crazy and yes it is that hard.  I know it, you know it (most who write about it know it) and it seems all we really can do is write about it, endure it and hope that time passes quickly to our own demise and with some small amount of luck we find moments of relief and respite.  Other than that, this sucks. 

Comment by morgan on May 24, 2016 at 2:58pm

Mel,  PART 1

Sounds like you are in a place that I have visited and stayed for quite a bit of time.  The place I call the hole.

There is just no describing or understanding what this is doing to us.  I can feel in my soul how deeply hurt you (and others) are and I know the feeling myself because I have to tend to my emotions on a daily basis.  Everything feels so forced.  I push and push to get through another day and at times it's just another hour.  And then I wonder why I am doing this to myself.  Why am I bothering?

I don't have the answer to this question. I don't know why I keep pushing except I feel like I cannot yet pull the plug.  Although I cry to want to on an often enough basis.  For whatever reason I feel like I have to arrange my worldy affairs  so that no one is burdened with trying to figure out the remains of what my husband and I worked so hard to achieve.  It's not like I have some great wealth or major possessions and I don't even know why it matters but somehow I want to honor him and because we had so little time after his diagnosis and he was so sick we didn't spend a lot of time thinking or talking about afterwards so I am left to have to figure it out by myself.  I am constantly second guessing myself or at the least wishing like hell I could just ask him what he thinks.  

I think that is one of the triggers I run into.  I want to ask his opinion. About everything.  I am bereft because I can't get his input.  That's what those of us who were so close to our partners miss.  Talking through what we we were in the middle of doing.  Now we have no one to talk to.  

A cat or dog might help me fill the caring I need a little bit but I can't have a dialogue with an animal. And no one can be there for me in that way.  I have my guardian angel who I talk things through with but it is certainly nothing like the intensity that my husband and I had.  Or the routine of having our dinners together or going to Costco together or taking a swim or just hanging out on the porch.  None of that interests me anymore.  That's not to say I don't try to do it periodically with my sister or my widow friend.   It's just an act though.  I pretend so the people who have tried to stick with me or just others who I get around, I try to bury my emotions.  I’m sure they are very tired of seeing me hurt so I try to shield them from having to see the real me.  At the beginning I couldn't. And for me, the beginnig was a good wo years plus.

I am just not seeing an end to the pain of missing.   And the pain is different now than it was for about the first two years or so. For the longest time it just felt like a bludgeon.  I was immobilized.  Couldn't do anything really.  What I did do I really pushed myself to do.  In the last four to five months I have gained a little capacity back but I still only leave myself one major task a day. Some days none and I can last about four hours but after that I am finished. I don't even get up now until noon as I stay up normally till about 2am. I am just all over the place.  I would never ever have done that before.

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 23, 2016 at 12:16pm

I wish there were grief sessions around here.  CLOSED for summer.  I'm so serious.  No hospital grief sessions, no AARP grief sessions, just "do it yourself".  I would go in a minute.  I totally agree with what you wrote.

Comment by stewart p on May 23, 2016 at 8:36am

MEL, Have you tried attending any groups for example when my wife passed away the local hospital through their hospice center offers a bi-weekly beravement group which met for 90 minutes every 2 weeks?  Now I know a lot of people simply choose not to go for what ever reasons but having been around groups for the better part of 20 years I already knew there was something to be had by attending insteading instead of suffering in total isoaltion so it was a no brainer for me to get up and go soon after she passed away, and I went religiously for over a year, dont know how I would of made it otherwise and while there many came and went and some stayed.  But research shows there is a heal effect gained in therapeutic groups and I have a number of suspicions why more people dont take advantage of this, espeically since most of the time its even free, but Ive told so many time and time again of the merits of seeking out this sort of help and most people just give it the old atta boy and keep doing what their doing so, but if your up to it I suggest try it out, really big help to be around others like that, not just online here but in real person.

Comment by Mel Royer on May 23, 2016 at 8:15am

My losing Nancy has spiraled into a dangerous and deep depression, I have never felt this bad before.  I take a drug called Remeron and it seems to help a bit, but I still am dealing with that gnawing, cutting level of pain that develops after prolonged grief. Like Morgan, i cannot live with this much longer. It is a living hell. 

Comment by Chum on May 22, 2016 at 8:58pm

The aloneness is getting to me this weekend too, made worse by Jordan's dog dying on Friday. Another freaking hole in my life. Its my first birthday without him on Tuesday. I've been trying to think of something to do on the day when out of the blue an old friend invited me out for dinner. What a reprieve! I'm sick of feeling sad and alone.

Comment by morgan on May 22, 2016 at 8:48pm

I've gotten better at distracting myself throughout the day without constant breakdowns but about this time at night I start to wind down and as I watch more Tv or read on the computer I face the endless nights that I sit alone.  Alone.  Alone.  

Where is he?  Where did he go?  I miss him so much.

So I will continue to settle my affairs which I hope by the end of this year will be in better shape.  St which point I am really gong to have to address this emptiness.  This utter loneliness.  I am not sure I am going to be able to handle this for too much longer.  I am getting more determined that I am really tired of looking at these four walls with no one to be with me.  

I was not meant to be alone.  Not since I was a child.  It's just not who I am.  I'm just really tired.  

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 21, 2016 at 6:25pm

I am not "lonely".......I am however, lonely beyond words for my husband.  I prefer being by myself most of the time.  At first I thought I'd die from grief, from being alone, somehow I didn't.   Tomorrow will be 21 weeks since he left me....I don't know if he's in a better place.  I do know he is not suffering.  Is there a God or not?  I don't know.  I do know that my husband saw someone on the ceiling the day before he died.  A woman.  His mother?  I don't know.  I had no idea my husband was dying at the time.  No, he was not delirious.  He was quite lucid.  From out of nowhere, he asked me if I saw "her" up on the ceiling.  Had I known many people see deceased loved ones prior to death I would have been terrified of losing my husband.  All I know is that I miss him more than I can say.  Now he's gone. 

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