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Comment by stewart p on May 31, 2016 at 8:59pm

i just got home from my attorneys office, while sitting in his office we heard commotion from another room and quckly ran out to see what was happening.   Turns out one of paralegals was having a seizure and medics were called.  While standing in the hallway clearly everyone was quite shaken up but me, since Ive been through this before on a quite personal basis.  As everyone was standing there obviously distraught and upset by what had just happened i felt somehow the strength to lend some calmness to everyone else in the hallway.  Somehow having been through this before myself I felt able and obliged to be a steady force for others to feel some comfort from.  That is one of things we all here are or becoming in a postion to offer to others who have yet to experience what we all already have been thrust into.  It gives me a sense of peace and calm about it that I had not known before.  As I left the office I looked at the sky, the leaves in the trees and listened to the sounds around and am constantly reminded both from the memories of my wife now gone and these events that occur daily all around, how temporary and precious each moment is and how fleeting it all truly is and always was.  Yeah, it sucks, its miserable and its depressing, but in it all maybe we have something to offer others they desperately need. 

Comment by morgan on May 31, 2016 at 1:26pm

Robin,  So sorry seems so inadequate to say but they are the two words I need to say to let someone know I do know how hard this is because it is.  And no one who has not gone through it will understand the depth of your pain right now.  You are beginning a journey none of us have been prepared for no matter how we thought about death.  This is worse than your worst nightmare and being left behind is torture.  But as you can see there are many of us and we try to support each other because we are walking down the same path as you.  

One thing I have found invaluable is to have one someone who listens.  Someone who can withstand the anguish you will pour out.  Sometimes that is a family member and sometimes a friend but it is my hope that someone will emerge for you to talk to.  Or might find a group to be helpful.  Each of us find a way to deal with the grief but there are some things that might be more helpful.  Finding someone to listen has certainly been one for me.

There are many other feelings that you are bound to struggle with which is why places like this will be a lifeline.  You will know you are not alone in how you are feeling and you will hear how each of us tries to deal with it and hopefully it will provide you with some ways you can integrate into your own journey.  

Try to take the best care you can……..

morgan

Comment by Robin on May 31, 2016 at 7:30am

I lost my husband two weeks ago, I keep replaying the day in my head, those life changing words of the paramedics coming out of my house saying mam I am sorry it will forever haunt me, I got up that morning and went to work he was sitting on the couch and we barely said to words, then got the call at work, we were together for 26 years he was only 47 we we supposed to grow old together, we have seven children and grandbabies, I feel empty and alone, I don't know how to function with out him, I am always talking to him in my head every morning I get up and then sadness and numbness overwhelm me I have no joy anymore I can not find any joy, me body feels numb, I talk to people but feel nothing not even my own heart beat, I can not see it getting easier how being without my soul mate will ever heal, my children try to be there and it helps but their grief is different they will move on a have families, my happiness is gone forever.

Comment by Tildyc on May 29, 2016 at 4:36pm

As always Bluebird- I am in complete agreement with you. Life is such a collassal burden now.

I am not as active on here as I once was- I suppose my reason is that nothing has and never will change for me. He will never come back. I am alone in this empty world. And since I'm apparently too chicken shit to end it myself- I have no choice but to stay in this sad and dark place. A place that is without him- us. No amount of crying, begging or words will change this fact. (Even though I still cry and plead every singe day) I no longer have the words to describe the amount of pain and agony in which I live now. There is nothing more for me to say- there is nothing left of me. Simply nothing

Comment by bluebird on May 29, 2016 at 2:25pm

I still hope that my husband's death will kill me, even if only indirectly. His death has made me not take care of myself (I eat poorly and first lost weight, then gained a lot of weight, I don't exercise at all, I don't sleep well, etc.) , so in that way it will probably lead to my death. I can only hope that it does so quickly, or that a sudden accident does so instead.

Nothing has changed for me, in terms of how I feel, since my husband first died. For me,  the intensity and sorrow have remained the same, possibly even deepened, and it's been nearly 4 years. stewart, you may be right about ending up miserable if we don't "accept and adjust", and honestly that's fine with me. I mean, I would much rather have him here with me, but if he isn't then I have no interest in accepting, adjusting, or in any way living or "moving on" without him. I'm not saying that you (or anyone else) should be as I am.  Your way is almost definitely healthier for you.  It's just not something that I could ever do, or would ever be willing to do. Not only will I never remarry, I will never date, I will never do anything with my life. I don't have the energy or desire to do so. If my husband cannot be here in this life with me, then I do not want this life, period.

Comment by stewart p on May 29, 2016 at 10:25am

2 weeks until 36 months and from what I have discovered so far is first off, the experience alone will not kill you, it is a dreaded, only and horrible experience no doubt but some who exclaim "how can i live', well you just do.  One day leads to the next and so forth.  Does it change?  For me it has, you can only cry, sleep and whatever else you do so much eventually I just have adopted.  I use to think early on that eventually it would go away somehow, but of course the only way that could happen is if I were to completely forget about my wife.  Someone told me once everyone we encounter changes us to some degree, a university psychology professor. I remember that and what I found is that to be true and that my wife simply had the most profound change on me from anyone else in the world and still does; I think about her and so forth not with the intensity and sorrow of the first few months and two years but still always do and by now Ive simply begun to adjust and adpat to that.  I believe if we dont and begin embracing and accepting it we can up being truly miserable and suffer needlessly for many many yeears, and this is bad enough already I dont want to make it worst for myself.  Ive met plenty of widows 20 years or more who may have chosen not to remarry, and they just go on, they havent forgotton their husbands or anything, its just part of the way their life is today, their not sitting around sorrowful and all that, they are doing things today and they rememeber their husbands or wives, its just a different way of living. 
Spent too much time dwelling on the what was lost and one can get real sad and depressed for long periods of time.  I guess with the passage of time maybe that has been where ive found some help, I just dont spend my whole day any longer thinking about losing my wife, instead i think more of the things i must get done and the memory of my wife simply remains there, forever intact Im afraid, or maybe blessed.  Ill know in 10-20 years I guess

Comment by nicole irving on May 29, 2016 at 5:29am

Hi all, i havent been on site for a fair while too busy working ridiculous hours and trying to get myself together, sadly i notice we have new members and as much as i would like to say welcome, i am so sorry that your life has taken a turn that has bought you too us.

Well it was the first anniversary on the 18th of may, i would have liked to have thought i may be feeling a bit better by this point in my life but, no i dont, constantly miss mike, constantly asking why, questioning myself.... did he know how much i loved him, did i not look after him well enough, was he under too much stress, why didnt we go to the doctors for him to get a check up, why didnt we have more family outings/ holidays, why didnt i wake up and have a coffee with him before he went to work that morning.......why why why? i constantly feel unwell, exhausted, drained. I am trying so hard and everyone is always telling me how strong i am but im not. I just dont have a choice i have my ten year old to look after. I would gladly go meet mike when my time comes, hopefully i dont have to wait another 40 years. i wanted to take my life journey with him. he was the funniest man, he would be so disappointed in me, how long til i smile again, and look forward to something. when will life start to make sense, how long am i going to feel like this

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 28, 2016 at 8:43am

Trina,

I appreciate your words.  Thank you.  I know people are trying to be kind but this is different than any experience/grief I have ever known.  I have been working like a dog keeping the yard the way he liked it and it gives me something to do that wears me out.  Good therapy.  I couldn't do this when he was alive, I didn't want to leave him alone and now I'm alone.  Why didn't I tell him more often how much I love him? He told me daily how beautiful I am, even when I looked like crap.  I miss his beautiful face, his voice...his presence.  I want my husband and it's not going to happen.  People don't want to hear about it.  Thank God for this site.  Thank you Trina.  Hugs.  God bless us all.  O.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 27, 2016 at 7:27pm

Dear O.L. Cato,

Your words resonate with me. While it's been five months for you, I am on my 22 months, on 4th August it will be two years since the love of my life left this world. You ask: How is it possible to miss someone this much and still live? It's a question I often ask myself. Especially the first year I would wonder about this very thing. If heartbreak and unbearable emotional pain could kill, most of us on this site would be long dead by now. But as I have found out over these past 22 month, excruciating mental and emotional pain doesn't bring death. Perhaps in the run it cuts down people's years, but in the immediate present deep grief, unspeakable pain, and relentless longing don't kill. Alas! Every day as I wake up, as I cry myself to sleep, and many times in between I pray for my imminent death.

Of course, I don't know if I will die tomorrow, a freak accident could kill me tomorrow, but the likelihood is small. In all probability, given my health condition and family history, I will live for 20-25 more years. The thought is so scary! If I could, I would take my life, but that's not an option b/c in my belief system, if I kill myself, I will forfeit my chance of being reunited with Joseph in the afterlife. Also, I don't want to put my loving siblings through such a thing. So my hands are tied; I live on day by day, if this can be called living. My life as I knew it ended the day Joseph died, and now my only fervent wish is to be united with him as soon as possible.

So I empathize with you fully and understand the inconsolable pain you are experiencing. I am so sorry, for you, for me, for the rest of us survivors on this forum. Take care of yourself. 

Sending you a hug, Trina

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 26, 2016 at 4:41pm

Tomorrow will be five months since my husband died.  I believe in "Better Living Through Chemistry".  Thanks to Zoloft I'm not crying all day.  I'm functioning better.  I sit in his leather chair and smell his scent.  How is it possible to miss someone this much and still live?  I want him...there are no words to describe how much I miss him.

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