Comment

Comment by bluebird on June 9, 2016 at 7:24pm

Linda,

I agree with you that "We all deal differently with our loss".

My guess is that at least part of the reason for the difference in the way I experience my grief and the way you experience yours is that your husband was ill for a long time and you were his caretaker, so that (1) you had time to, at least to some degree, process his coming death, and (2) since you were his caretaker, your life became more "free", for lack of a better word, when he died.

Whereas in the case of me and my husband, the morning of the day he died we kissed goodbye and told each other we loved each other, as always, and each of us went about our days, and early that evening I received a phone call that he had collapsed, and by the time I got to the hospital he was dead. He hadn't been ill (or, rather, we hadn't known he was), so his death was a complete shock to me. He was only 40 years old, and it was one week to the day after our wedding. So the circumstances of the two deaths are very, very different.

Comment by stewart p on June 9, 2016 at 4:24pm

i have many days i did absolutely "nothing", it just cant keep going on like this and i dont know how to get out of that rut

Comment by Chum on June 9, 2016 at 4:10pm

Don't lose heart Stewart. I have those periods of time as well. First getting up is so difficult, then dressing, brushing teeth etc, is another wall. Getting to the front door today.....well forget it. But next I will likely come out of this malaise and I will somehow motivated and will make it to the car and onward. I have no idea what is going on. If I did I would have the solution for myself. Sometimes, I can easily talk myself out of my dark cloud but other times I'm so low I can't even see the cloud I'm so far in the pit. My sister is visiting me for a month from New Zealand. I was hoping this feeling wouldn't happen while she was here but here it is. Next week will be the one year anniversary of Jordan's death. I'm hoping how I'm feeling today is because of this though I'm not consciously getting worked up about it. I will scatter his ashes along with his old dog's ashes. Beauregarde died three weeks ago, almost as if he knew. They will both go in the hydrangea garden. I'm hoping to feel more settled after that.

Comment by stewart p on June 9, 2016 at 3:53pm

Linda, I agree with you.  I find it extremely helpful to keep active and begin doing the things I find myself wanting to do.  I too spent the last few years of my wife's life taking care of her and it not only wore me down but kept me from doing many things I would of otherwise found myself doing, which now I am able to do, or at least try.  And that is what Im writing about today.  After lots of time to reflect on things I see a way forward and even have some pretty good plans laid out so its not confusion and uncertainty that usually follows a loss which has me stymied at present.  But there to be this huge wall many days between me and my front door and so despite all my good intentions and efforts coupled with ample opportunity I find myself many days simply unable to act on them.  Its though as some feeling or something is simply keeping me held back.  So often that wall seems so huge I find myself simply giving up and staying home for the day and telling myself tomorrow will give me another chance to get at it.   But so many tomorrows have come and gone by now that I'm beginning to wonder/worry if I might not be losing this battle. I m curious if anyone else can relate and if so if anyone has found a way around or over that wall?

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 8, 2016 at 2:52pm

Linda D.   I agree with you, except, I can't  sleep in our bedroom.  I can and do sit in there, on his chair and watch TV sometimes.  I love that room but doubt I will ever sleep in it.  I sometimes wish John and I could have that "last talk".  In many ways I'm glad we didn't.  He  lost consciousness at home and died an hour later in emergency.  He never knew what happened.  He looked like he was sleeping.  My life will never be the same. O. C.

Comment by joanne on June 8, 2016 at 3:15am

Bluebird, 100% agree with you, as always xxxx

Comment by rachel_micele on June 7, 2016 at 8:18pm

I don't understand it either Bluebird. AT ALL. 

Comment by bluebird on June 6, 2016 at 5:47pm

Linda,

If that all works for you, then that is genuinely good.  I could never live as you are, myself. I will always be married to my husband. My life does not go on. I will never again enjoy life, nor do I have any desire to do so without my husband. I will never date. I completely understand how it is for your mom -- I do not intend to be alive in 29 years, nor anything close to it, but I will grieve for my beloved husband for as long as I am alive. I know you're not saying you don't grieve or don't miss your husband, but I truly can't understand your ability or desire to "move on".  I'm not saying you are necessarily wrong to do so, as each of us has her/his own path, I am just saying that I don't understand it at all.

 

Comment by bluebird on June 6, 2016 at 1:03pm

morgan,

I agree, wholeheartedly, with everything you said.  As usual.

Comment by stewart p on June 6, 2016 at 11:45am

morgan,

the last sentence with your most recent post I believe answers your own question.  You are enduring your loss, the fact your even here posting demonstrates that all too well.  With my posts I simply tried to share much of what Ive done over the last 36 months to help me mitigate much of my despair.  Some of works better than some other ideas, they are all a compilation of things I have gleaned from others just like you and books i have read and through trial and error.  Is it a cure all?  NO, this all sucks, its frickin terrible and just bad.  But that's what I eluded to previously when I said that it becomes part of who are and now its to us to find something good that we can do with it.

Thats my opinion.  What i do know and have discovered from trial and error if i sit here throughout the day and insist on dwelling on the loss and how poorly I feel, there seems to be no way for any improvement and I simply find myself become further overwhelmed with greif.  Its ok to let that happen from time to time and bask in it, but its up to me and within my power to stop or limit the time spent focusing my thoughts just on my wife.  I have to make myself begin to think about other things, and through this exercise i have discovered that slowly with time it begins to get a little easier.  Easier as in I can get use to it, not easier as in it goes away.

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