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Comment by Charlie on June 12, 2016 at 4:17pm

Oh Mary Wolf, I'm so sorry for your experience.  I was writing my comment about my Laurie's party going so well during the time that your comment was posted.  I would not have written it if I had seen your comment first, and I hope it didn't bring you down too much.

Comment by Charlie on June 12, 2016 at 4:10pm

When my dear sweet beautiful beloved best friend, soulmate and Dreamgirl (I called her DG) told me that when her time came she wanted a joyful party instead of a funeral, obituary or eulogy, I thought that it was a very unusual request.  From reading the last several comments, I see that it certainly wasn't unique.  She is 24 years my junior and we were only together 118 months to the day when I lost her.  Starting the first month after our most wonderful relationship began, we started celebrating our "monthiversary".  We exchanged cards 117 times, all of which I have in a big box and haven't been able to open it. We would have been married 9 years this coming July 7.  07/07/07 was our lucky day. We had T-shirts that had a slot machine showing all sevens with the notation "Our Lucky Day"  I could go on and on.  

Anyway, I waited two months and one day to hold her party.  I needed the time to make all the preparations so that it would be "The Best Party Ever!"  Of course the day before was extremely emotional, being our 120th monthiversary, meaning our 10 year anniversary.  

Laurie was a Zumba instructor, and we even opened our own Zumba studio so that she could teach the classes she chose to, and we hired other instructors to teach the rest.  I invited the members whom she was especially close to (about 70), plus her extended family and their friends) to the actual 3-hour event "Celebrating The Radiant Life Of Laurie Prior", and then opened it up to the Zumba community for an hour of Zumba "Zumba Party Tribute To Laurie".  It was packed, very upbeat, just the way she wanted it to be.  The remembrance cards had a butterfly on the front, which is actually a flower (forget-me-nots) seed packet.  The two sides of the inside of the card say "As you danced in the light with joy, love lifted you; As you brushed against this world so gently you lifted us."  The other inside panel says "On March 21, 2016 our beloved Laurie took flight.  May we always think of her every time we see a butterfly."

I was very distracted during the time leading up to the party, and of course feeling that I was working in Laurie's honor helped me a lot.  I really felt as if I were moving in the right direction.  Unfortunately, there was a complete letdown even before I got home from the party.  I felt like I was back at square one.  This is in spite of the fact that the party went perfectly.

At this point it's been exactly three weeks since the party, and I'm still paralyzed.  I completely shut myself off to the outside world.  I see a grief counselor twice a week, and so far she's giving me permission to grieve as I am for the time being, as long as I can understand that at some point I have to start some kind of life again, which I do understand.

Anyway, I've been lurking in this group for a couple of weeks, and find it to be interesting and many times helpful.  I felt compelled to write this when I saw that there were others who wanted a party instead of a funeral.

I don't mean to ramble, but thanks for the opportunity to get some of this out to you in our difficult situations.

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 12, 2016 at 10:34am

Linda D.

We had no idea what our daughter's problem was.  I am suspicious tho, my mother was just like her.  A very dark and mean side.  I just continue to pray for her.  She must be a very sad person, I wish that I could help her.

John was a good man.  To know him was to love him.  I believe a funeral of some sort would have been good for me and for the children but I had to obey his wishes.  He would have done the same for me.

He is so missed.  I am a lucky woman to have been so loved. 

So often I feel that he is here in our home with me.

He said if he died first he wanted me to go on and have a good life. 

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 12, 2016 at 9:27am

Mary Wolf,

John also wanted no obit or funeral.   Some people tried to dissuade me but my goal was to do exactly as he had wanted.  He talked of these things  for years.  I did put a photo and obit in his alum paper.  That would have meant a lot to him.  The reason for no obit locally was so no one would prey on me, "the widow".. 

People kept telling me to have a funeral...no.  I have his ashes and cannot bear to part with him ...yet.  If I can't and I die, my son has said he will dispose of our ashes per our wishes.

Our daughter was estranged from us and we had no idea why.  She lives two miles away and had not seen either of us for seven years.  My husband adored her.  I wish I had told her how she broke his heart but I just couldn't do it.  I hope she knows.  Once the obligatory visit  was over, she has once again disappeared.  I pray for her daily. 

It will be six months that John has been gone, on the 27th of this month.  I would not have believed that I could exist, function for so long without him.

A neighbor power washed our deck yesterday.  John built that deck himself and it is a beauty.  When the neighbor moved a large flowerpot, there was a large piece of rotten wood underneath.  Otherwise the deck is pristine.  I am compelled to get this repaired as soon as possible. I see that lovely deck and know how hard John worked on it, for us..  We would sit out there and have a glass of wine and listento Sinatra or Tony Bennett.  It's a special place and a special memory

Hopefully I will make new friends.  Friends who would not abandon me in a time like this.  I have learned a lot. I enjoyed reading your letter.

Comment by bluebird on June 11, 2016 at 8:05pm

Charlie,

Please don't think my comment was meant to be aggressive or insulting in any way; I'm sorry if it came across like that. I saw your post as trying to be helpful, and was not offended by it. You may very well be right that some of us here are experiencing "complicated grief", and if the information you provided helps some of those people, that's good (as is your intent in posting it). 

So I have nothing against you, or against what you posted. 

I was just trying to say that to me, what counselors call "complicated grief" is just grief. I don't understand how anyone could experience grief in any other way, at least not when the person s/he has lost is her/his soulmate, partner, spouse, etc.  I mean I literally do not understand it. It seems that some people do experience it differently, but I don't understand how that is possible for them. 

Comment by Charlie on June 11, 2016 at 7:59pm

Stewart and Bluebird, I totally understand what you're saying.  In fact I have been seeing a grief counselor two days a week.  All I was trying to say is that many of the members of this group have expressed that their deep grief is paralyzing, keeping them from having a life beyond the loss of their spouse.  Many have said they hope they don't wake up tomorrow.  I believe that according to the Mayo Clinic, a most reputable source, complicated grief is a very real condition.  I only mentioned it in case anyone wanted to check it out so that they can understand that what they're experiencing is a clinical condition, understand the symptoms and causes, and understand suggested treatments.

Comment by bluebird on June 11, 2016 at 7:20pm

Charlie,

I have heard of "complicated grief".  I suppose doctors would say that I have it, based on what I've read of the "symptoms".  Honestly, though, I don't understand how anyone who has had her/his soulmate die could grieve in any other way, could grieve any less, or for a shorter duration. I will grieve in this way until the day I can finally die.

If you feel that you are experiencing "complicated grief", and if you think you can and want to stop experiencing it, I would think that a grief therapist might be able to help you with that, especially if you can find one who specializes in dealing with complicated grief.

Comment by stewart p on June 11, 2016 at 7:12pm

Charlie, All grief is complicated, thats why its so difficult to understand and so wonderful to share with others who are traveling a similar journey.  Of course I know of the "complicated" clinical type i assume you are referring to.  I to have read a great deal over the last few years as I often wondered, and worried if i might be suffering from  such a malaise.  My take is it is very uncommon, very rare and in the unlikely event one is in fact experiencing complicated grief it will certainly look much different than the majority of what you here on places like here and elsewhere others who have lost someone gather

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 11, 2016 at 6:57pm

Mary Wolf,

We are pretty much in the same boat.  John had been retired for short of six years.  A few people from his office wrote notes, a very few.  One man came over with flowers and tears.  He has kept in touch.  To know John was to love him.  I was/am shocked by how people have reacted to his death.  Your stories were heart breaking. 

I agree with you..."they" cannot give what they do not have.  I honestly believe people think the loss of a spouse is catchy, aside from being frightened of us and our grief.

Unfortunately, the loss of a spouse will happen to "them".  I wonder what will happen.

John would be proud  of how well I have handled legalities, etc.  He taught me well.  Like you, I want so much to make him proud.  I hope he knows.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  This is a good place to come too.  O.C.

Comment by Charlie on June 11, 2016 at 5:46pm

Has anyone heard of "complicated grieving?  It seems like a lot of people in this group are experiencing it.  It's a little early for me to know in my case, but I feel it's really a good possibility for me.  I read about it at www.mayoclinic.com 

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