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Comment by Nancy on August 20, 2019 at 7:30pm

Bless you Morgan.  You say it all.

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 20, 2019 at 9:07am

Morgan

Thanks for sharing how you cope without your Husband. 

You put into words what I cannot express. 

Comment by morgan on August 19, 2019 at 3:30pm

Part 2Linda, yes and yes, I "laugh on the outside and cry on the inside".  And the laugh (or just plain conversation) is just part of how I cope for when I have to be around others.  But it means nothing.  It’s like we are forced to suffer in silence as though we’re supposed to capitulate to society's idea of bereavement.  I can only throw my hands up when I still hear how the psychological analysis talks of how it’s "complicated grief" after six months.  Hell, what is it after six years of feeling the same way?  By now I should be in a looney bin and yet here I am.  Talking, walking, working and still hating my life.
And Joe, you're right.  All we have is hope.  Hope that we are going to be reunited with our beloved because the thought of anything else other than that would be reason enough to cut our earthly cord without a second thought.  It’s that inculcated idea that disallows us from taking the wrong bus.  And it is only hope that makes us believe we can’t screw it up or eternal torture awaits us.  If only we knew huh?  The aspect of the unknown in death is the driving force behind what keeps us going when pain works to override our logic or reason.  Do I suffer now or later?  Which is the better choice and how much pain can I deal with?  Suicides are patently obvious results of too much pain. I have reached the cliffs edge so many times wanting to end it and yet I can’t. It’s not like I don’t feel like I have reached the end of my rope many thousands of times but I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I want to but I am held back because of the damn bus. That frickin bus. Do I dare take the chance and get on the wrong bus and see what happens? As of yet………..no.

Comment by morgan on August 19, 2019 at 3:29pm

Part 1
Bless you and thanks to each one of you who keep writing about how you feel and how you cope.  I always feel support knowing I am not alone.  What I don't get (and not that any one of us can give it) is the answer to how I can stop missing him.  And it’s beyond missing.  When I buried him, I buried me.  That’s even more evident as time passes.  No matter what I do to "pretend" that I can function like a regular human being I am simply unable to get over not having him beside me.  And then the pain.  The incessant, shadowy pain that is always lurking ready to slam me upside the head.
To each of you:  Bluebird, I feel your pain.  It does fucking suck, big time.  Nothing alters that.  And as far as the "pretending” goes I think I need to clarify.  I call it pretending but I think Joe put it better. I "hide the horror" of him not being with me in order to do what I have to do to keep a roof over my head interacting with the world at large.  I can’t go around crying ALL the time even though I would like to.  I did cry for many years.  In the supermarket, at the post office, the big box stores were some of the worst times because I was having to rehab houses and I was there alot.  That has slowed down and now it's only when I have to go out.  I could easily become a hermit, a recluse.  I could care less what happens beyond my bed.  I still have a horribly awful time getting going in the morning.  To know I have woken to another day of torture is unfathomable.  So, I end up getting up and getting going and "pretend" because as I live and breathe I still have to pay bills and eat and shower and do the things required of a living being.  That is of course unless I can figure out a way to make it all stop "naturally".  I beg for that day.
Nancy, you put it better than me in fewer words.  I get wordy......but you said it all.  Lost, fake, hollow, empty, apathetic, tired, disinterested and with the qualifier where you feel worse because you thought by now you would feel better.........Yep, exactly.  After six years, I THOUGHT I would find a way out of this hole of despair. I would somehow feel better.  Six damn years of thinking it might break, and even with being able to "function" better (I can actually get up and shower without crying my way through it daily) I find myself just going through different phases of pain but the grief still punches me down.  And I too wish I could be more encouraging but it’s not in me. It would be a lie.

Comment by Joe Kelly on August 19, 2019 at 10:07am

It's a Catch 22, impossible to solve.  I accept Her body isn't alive anymore, but I HAVE TO HAVE HER BODY ALIVE AND STILL WITH ME and I want that to be forever.  I know that's impossible, but I STILL HAVE TO HAVE IT!!!  The only thing there is, is HOPE.  Hope that when my body dies, She will be there waiting for me.  I tasted being separated from my body but didn't go all the way.  I HAVE TO hold onto that HOPE.  I have to believe She is waiting for me.  SHE STILL EXISTS !!!  If I didn't believe that, I'd be gone, but no one will ever convince me or in any way cause me to believe that She no longer exists.  That moment will eventually come when it will be, or... it won't.  One thing for sure is that I'M NEVER GIVING THAT HOPE!!!

Every second of every day is HELL, but this is the one thing I can't screw up.  I have to go where She went and how She went.

"I just don't understand why God won't take me. Until he does, I have to suffer in silence."  Exactly Linda.

Pretending?  No, not me Per Se, but I notice that even my children are showing signs of (I don't know what to call it), but I can see myself leaning toward trying to hide my "horror" of Her not being with me to make them feel comfortable around me.  That will take some practice and pretending.  Got to be off to the cemetery now......

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 19, 2019 at 6:05am

Hello Friends,

As all of you have stated, I too fake my happiness. I laugh on the outside and am crying for him on the inside. I ache so bad that my Julian is not in my life. I just don't understand why God won't take me. Until he does, I have to suffer in silence.

Comment by Nancy on August 18, 2019 at 10:23pm

Morgan.  I wish I had answers but I am in the very same place.  Lost, fake and hollow.  I feel worse than I did a year ago I think because I thought I would feel better and don't. Empty and apathetic.  I'm tired all the time and am disinterested in everything.  The only thing I can say that may give you comfort is you are not alone.  I wish I could be more encouraging.

Comment by bluebird on August 18, 2019 at 10:19pm

morgan,

I don't know why this has happened to us, our soulmates being torn from us, but it fucking sucks. Have you considered not acting happy and normal, since that isn't how you feel? Especially if acting that way isn't helping you. 99% of the time, I refuse to pretend. I simply can't do it, and I don't give a damn what other people think of that, or of me. It would be too hard to pretend, and I see no reason why I should. I don't know if this is the right/best way for you, but it may be something for you to consider. ((((hugs))))

Comment by morgan on August 18, 2019 at 10:12pm

Please somebody, tell me how I can continue to do this.  I am so depressed.  I get up every day and pretend.  It's what is making me so depressed.  It looks like I am functioning so normally.  Now that I have learned how to talk with people and hide my true feelings, I laugh and make jokes and help others and work hard.  And all of it is so hollow.  I'm such a fake.  I hate having to act like I am ok when I am totally shattered.  Like I have to pretend I care.  Like life means something.  
I have been cat sitting.  I love kitty cats, always have.  But even that is not enough.  It's a poor substitute for what I need.  I need him.  I need him to not be dead.  To be alive in my arms.  To be that intense beam of light he was for me every day for 35 years.  To be within me and care deeply for how I felt. 
I really don't know how to keep going in this on again off again painful place.  I can go through hours at a time and do the pretending and get stuff done but what for?  Why do I HAVE to do this?  
I know why........because I don't have the guts to take my life.  I was taught that it wouldn’t and isn't the way to leave this world.  So here I am, every day, doing what I have to do to keep a roof over my head, wondering why I was taught I couldn’t leave by my own hand and hating every minute of life.  
And at the same time, I feel like part of my day I am now anesthetized against having feeling.  A zombie.  I can't even explain how dead I am inside. I so want to die outside.  I long to, I wish to die.  It’s like an overriding wish above all else.
Sorry if this bums people out but I am just so fed up with continuing to deal with my real feelings.  The ones that make up my fervent desire to cross over and not have to keep making decisions.  It makes me physically sick in my stomach because, for example, I don’t know what to eat and I either eat too much at once or nothing at all or only stuff I like even though eating like that makes my stomach churn.  Or I can’t seem to get any decent sleep.  I fall asleep in the chair and then I go to bed and I'm wide awake.  Or I go to bed and fall asleep and then wake up two hours later and can’t get back to sleep.  And most of the OTC stuff makes me sick in my stomach or gives me other issues that I don't need. 
I hate to only come on here and be depressed but it’s about the one place where I know those who know where I am mentally and emotionally, are in the same place.  Wouldn't it just be easier on all of us if we could just trade our lives for someone who wants to be alive? Isn't there a way I could bargain for that kind of trade?
Enough depression for one night I guess.  Sometimes after this long when I have reached another impassable stretch when it seems life should have gotten better or at least think I shouldn't be having such a tough time understanding death I have to come here and just scream how fucking hard this is and how I wish I could do more about it than just scream in cyberspace.  The missing just won’t let up.  I can’t stop thinking about him and when I do I just want to end it. How can I go on like this?  For how long will the universe make me do this?

Comment by Joe Kelly on August 2, 2019 at 9:48am

My Love, My life, My ALL passed over on January 21, 2018.  Since then, every day has been the same day.  I was holding her in my arms on the bed and our four grown children arrived.  She smiled at them and then said "I'm sorry", feeling sad for them because they were crying.  I was also and She looked up at me and said "don't cry".  I said "I can't help it".  We spoke and she said I was the only man she ever loved in her life, along with her father.  We were together since age 16, close to 52 years.  I asked if She believes we will be together forever someday.  She shook her head yes.  I said you won't wait long for me and no one will ever replace you.  I said "give me a kiss"  She puckered up with such a sad look knowing it would be our last kiss.  We stared into each other's eyes and She took her last breath.  At that very instant, I thought to myself "I have to go where She just went".  My children left the room and I held her there for about 40 minutes talking to Her when my son came in in and said we have to call 911 now.  I was in shock and over the next couple of days and don't comprehend how I managed to arrange her funeral with my children.  It was as if She wasn't really gone.  Then, following Her casket out of church, to proceed to the cemetery, it hit me.  I was never going to see Her here with me again.  That's when the horror began and hasn't left since.

I relive that day every day.  I visit our permanent bed (our cemetery plot), her grave, every day.  I will be there every day till I'm there with Her everyday.  Every day, I pray it is my last and this body goes on even though it is not a healthy body.  I feel like it's been too long and I promised She wouldn't wait long for me.  I hope there is no time in Her realm because I feel like I'm letting Her down somehow as all this time passes.  I have to go naturally as She did, with all the suffering felt as She did.  I could and sometimes think that I could just end it all now but have an instinctive feeling that if I do that, I might not end up where She is.  I can't take that chance.  I must go on and suffer for that chance to enter the realm She is in.  Loneliness is part of the suffering but I would feel that loneliness no matter what without Her here anyway.  I had the most wonderful life with her.  She was a gift beyond description and all I want, my only "till then" is to go to Her and continue our Oneness for all eternity.  How will it be?  I'm not sure but as long as we both know we are together as ONE spirit, we will be in Paradise.  The suffering is unbearable but worth it for what is a couple or few years compared to eternal Joy?  Never lose that hope all my fellow sufferers.  God Bless.

   

   

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