Comment

Comment by joanne on June 21, 2016 at 3:47pm

Stewart, I know what you mean and there's no need to be sorry, I think after reading your post again that I was just moved by it. p.s  I'm glad you have a dog , someone to love and to love you back x

Comment by stewart p on June 21, 2016 at 2:06pm

joanne, Im sorry if my post provoked more tears on the others Im not because Im convinced now more than ever that crying actually has a healing effect on us and is good, but Im still sorry if you know what I mean.

Comment by stewart p on June 21, 2016 at 12:16pm

thanks Charlie, Im just throwing things out there that seem to make sense on paper hoping somebody might have an answer or two.  I spend more days sitting around the house doing nothing than I care to say and I dont even mind it, but its going to cause me all kinds of other problems eventually plus nothing is going to change the fact my wife is gone, so what the hell else can I do about it?  BTW, I dont think your criticizing me don't worry  about it, even if you or anyone else was I don't care, that is one of the few gifts Ive received from all this.

Comment by Charlie on June 21, 2016 at 12:09pm

Three months ago today.  Also, 121 since the day we met.  Needless to say, the best day of my life and the worst day of my life will be forever linked.

Stewart, I really do understand what you're saying, but I must say I honestly don't see myself ever getting to where you are.  I understand that you're saying that at this point you want to fool or convince yourself that the best is yet to come, but can't get there right now.  For me, I can't see how any life is ahead of me, let alone the best.  Please understand, Stewart, that I'm not in any way second guessing or criticizing you. That's where you are, and I hope you keep going in that direction for your sake.

As for doing anything or going anywhere or communicating with the outside world, when I have to, like going to the grocery store or doing something out of the house with my 44 year old autistic son, I can't ignore two thoughts.  What paralyzes me is #1, the thought that Laurie and I have enjoyed this in the past, and it will never be again, or #2, if it's something that we didn't do together, how much she would have enjoyed it and we would have enjoyed it together, and never will get to . . . NEVER!

Anyway, Stewart, I always find your comments to be interesting and heartfelt.  I wish you nothing but the best as you travel through this most difficult journey any of us will ever face.

Comment by stewart p on June 21, 2016 at 11:45am

Another thought Ive been dwelling on this past 48 hours that has really consumed me is how I have noticed often these celeb's and rock stars who have such overnight success and than 20 years later you see them constantly trying to rekindle the fame they once enjoyed and I think to myself how tough would that be, to have your best days always seem like they are behind you.   Thats how my wife's death feels, the life we shared and everything else, that all my best days are behind me.  When you feel like that, its hard to get excited about much, to look forward to getting out of bed in the morning, about your own life or future, the BEST days are all behind me.  Its a depressing thought, I dont believe its true, im sure its not, but its very hard to see how any thing could get better looking forward, but I think I believe that is the key to getting out of this funk.  To sincerely believe that the BEST is yet to come as hard as that is to believe, if i could somehow fool or convince myself if only for a while than I could look forward to each day a believe it might be better than the last 20 years that would really be something.

The real problem for me is I cant seem to think of or find anything that beats the last 23 years, at least not that i can see right now.

Comment by stewart p on June 21, 2016 at 11:31am

joanne, Im more often where your at then what i write.  I just know where I would like to be and now its a matter of trying to get there.  The ideas I and others put out there are just to help take those baby steps in the direction to somewhere else, whether it actually works or not I dont know, I just know I dont want to remain where Im at.  Use to be 1 day forward, 2 days back, now sometimes its actually 2 forward and only 1 back, but I still am lost, confused, hurt, dazed and unsure of much of anything.  But i feel a lot better after going out for an afternoon walk in the park than i do if i didnt, does that make sense? 

Comment by joanne on June 20, 2016 at 3:24pm

Stewart, I don't know what it was when reading your post, but, well it made me cry, I not even sure if they were sad tears or tears of someone wishing that I wasn't  that person who withers and curls up at home, yes I go to work, I go shopping, I even went and watched a concert on saturday night(most I which I can't remember, due to me crying for the most part, thinking that Andy should be watching with me) I don't want to go out socially anymore, I have zero interest in any of my friends, I have lost interest in absolutely everything. Once I've put my daughter to bed I either sit listening to sad music or write to Andy in my journal, I guess I'm saying I don't want to be like this, but I have no choice I feel I'm broken beyond repair, yes you can glue broken things together, i get that, but the cracks will always be there and they can never be mended fully. I'm only a couple of weeks off the one year mark, and I honestly can't see myself feeling any different ever, but may I add that your post makes me truly happy for you that you are finding a way to go forward, much love to you xx

Comment by stewart p on June 20, 2016 at 11:28am

Kathleen, 23 years for me and it’s been 3 years and a week since my wife passed away suddenly late one night, I’ll never forget that night or the images that are as clear in my mind as yesterday.  The "stages of grief" is but only one model proposed among several others to help those who are interested to give "grief" some identity. Although I do like the 5 stages model, it has helped me to identify the many mixed emotions I have felt and how it is I seem to keep recycling through them. Getting online here if it’s all you can do for now is a start, begin talking about your emotions and venting, getting them out there.  I used and still do journal a great deal, attending a bereavement group 2x a month.  Didn't want to go but made myself go.  If nothing else it will give you cause to get out of the house at least 2x a month by force, and remember a journey of a 1000 miles begins with each first step.  Going to a group will help build confidence and courage and whatever else we feel we are lacking that helps keep us safe indoors at home to isolate.  Eventually you might find yourself getting out of bed to venture further on, perhaps a day trip to a favorite place you and your husband once spent time at, eventually you might find yourself going to somewhere new alone for the first time, soon thereafter you might begin having conversations with strangers and even have dinner together on one your many outings.  If you’re not already physically engaged in some activity, start now.  I found riding a bicycle to be good exercise and easy to do.  I started going around the block, eventually around town, out of town and now I keep it racked on my car everywhere I go.  I have a dog now too, and this weekend we spent out of town, riding around a festival, and I enjoyed the conversation of many new people, including some quite attractive women.  I still miss my wife, and that has been 3 years in the making but by God if I'm going to allow myself to simply curl up and wither away at home, these are all tips as well as several others passed along to me, or that I read about and they do work.  But, and this is the hardest part for me and what I see of many others who post here, is getting out and taking the first step.  It’s so easy to keep getting sucked back into what once was.  But we have to realize today it is no more. 

                                                                                                                                                                                

Comment by stewart p on June 20, 2016 at 11:28am

There is a reason and it hurt me at first when read and really listened, but in the typical wedding vow it does say: ‘Until death do us part", or variations as do we part, or until we part.  The point being we are blessed with a union that even the vows themselves make clear there is a change to come, and that change occurs upon death of one of the partners.  It does not say anything about the other person’s life stopping or ending.   Im sorry if this is a little brutal, it is painful but I have after 3 frickin years of painful work had to come to accept it, because it is the truth, but the beauty is there is a way forward and there are countless others who have taken the journey before us and can share their insight, strength and hope.  There is no nobility is wallowing in pain and suffering, it does not mean that you loved yours more than any others have loved theirs.  The pictures and ideas played in movies and in the theater is rubbish, its only meant for entertainment, but I assure you the message revealed from Hollywood and the like if followed will only cause you further grief and illness.  Commit to stepping outside of your comfort zone and begin taking little steps and you miss one, don’t be hard on yourself but rather simply learn from it and you might do the next day to not miss taking another step, get out go to group, read, journal, exercise, take a trip, 1 day now, maybe 2 days later, take a drive, visit the ocean, buy your self-dinner, take to strangers about the weather, don’t date, don’t do stupid stuff, not yet, but get out there and begin. If your retired and don’t work, and this is huge find something dear to your heart and begin to volunteer.  Food bank, homeless shelter, humane society, many organizations need help from caring volunteers.   It is a hurting world out there which needs much help, how is it that any of us could possibly believe we have the right to sit inside indefinitely and simply concern ourselves only with ourselves?   We are obligated, it is our duty in fact we were fortunate enough to survive, and we can appreciate the finality of death, shouldn’t we now also know how important it is to reach out side beyond ourselves like never before given this chance to do so???  And it is in the answer to that question, mysteriously

Comment by stewart p on June 20, 2016 at 11:27am

I’m convinced now where we begin to find what continues to ail us.  I mentioned it here before and a couple of others brushed past it but I believe they did because they themselves are too consumed with themselves and their own loss to see beyond it.  V./ Frankle wrote a terrific book on finding meaning in life, and he was a multiple loss survivor, and some of the people I met at group too suggested volunteering or working in the helping professions etc.  Funny thing they all seem to be doing much better 6 months, a year or two later than those who continued or insisted in wallowing in their loss and misery.  Does this mean it hurts any less or is less felt pain for those who move forward?  Absolutely not, in fact I think our loss might be felt even greater because it is at that very moment we begin to rebuild our lives we become acutely aware that indeed death has done us apart and there is no returning what once was.  Its at the point we leave the comfort of our beds repeatedly replaying past memories thorough our minds and scanning old photographs we have chosen to begun the process of truly letting go and brings back many of the same emotions as before, thus this seemingly never ending cycle.  How many times by now I’ve ridden my bike and spent the day out of town at a farmers market, with my dog talking and meeting new people only to get in my car at the end of the day for the trip home and think to myself God what I wouldn't give for you to be here with me right now Teresa.  But at least I got out and went and hopefully it just becomes more routine with time, and I expect she will forever be there with me in one form or another and I have to just have to learn how to work with that.  And it would be easy still to simply stay at home and not have to do any of this and simply stay there and feel the pain of the loss, but it won’t get better that way, it won’t get more tolerable, my wife wouldn't want that for me, no one does, it just seems like its easier to do, but it really isn't, not in the long run.  It is hard to begin some of the things I’ve laid out as well as ideas offered by others, in fact its the hardest thing to begin, and often tempting not to start or worst even retreat after you’ve begun.  But I suggest you go to bereavement meetings, listen to those who seem to be dealing with their loss better than others, find out what they find is helping, look to others who have experienced your loss and what are they doing?  I found over and over and again and this is what i have offered here is that they have gotten up, gotten out and begun moving in a direction, any direction, often changing course over time, it doesn't matter but there is a time to sit and reminiscence, and then there is a time to pick up the pieces and begin moving forward, notice I did not say move on, I specifically said move forward.  I know its hard, I wish you well and Good Luck, and believe me when I say i haven't gotten this down anywhere near perfect, I still have more day go by where nothing gets done than does, but it is slowly improving and that as far as Im concerned is a "step" in the right direction.

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 154
• 155
• 156
• 157
• 158
• …
• 339
• Next ›
• Page