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Comment by stewart p on June 30, 2016 at 2:47am

Charlie, wow youve hit the nail on the head so to speak where Im at only it me a couple of years longer.  Really tough to do, I want to try things out and many times right up until the moment its time to begin than suddenly I drop out.  Not sure why but I struggle with it.  I started a year ago taking one class, than followed the next few quarters taking two, then three, and I really enjoyed it.  Even asked myself why I waited so long to begin.  Then I took a break for a few months and now feel almost worst than before i began.  Im resuming next week for summer, just one, then two and see how it goes.  I also had a couple of part time gigs lined up like Uber, got ready to go and the day of just bagged it.  I think was because of a combination of the state Im still in missing my wife and all and the fact it wasnt that interesting to me.  I find myself much more selective how and what I spend time on.  I have to say that a bit cautiously however, because i still spend a lot of time watching tv and veggin out which most would argue isnt really that meaningful either.  Its really hard. but I know this once you begin and return to the present it can be really depressing, maybe more than before, and another thing, you have nothing to lose I dont think by at least trying something and see what happens, and lastly remember at the end of the day you still get to return home and reconsider if you must, but Id say make your self go and do it and give things a chance and see what happens.  I set myself up for a few things, and followed though on less than 1/2 of them so far, and that is really frustrating, maddening almose.  But then I tell myself tomorrow I will try again.  I also found that it helps to write it down, a plan if you will so that way when I feel like staying home instead it sort of acts as a reminder that this is my plan what Im going to do and makes me go do it, and only if Im willing to tear that plan up and trash it will i not follow it.  Thats the idea anyway but like i said I still cave often at the last minute when its time to pull the trigger and not push the "submit" button,  only to keep coming back over and over to it sometimes until its too late.  Other times when I havent followed through and I have 3 years of this now, I look back and think why the heck didnt I do that 2 years ago the thing I could of done then, it would of been fine and I might of even enjoyed it.  So you see, i have ideas, make plans and often fail to follow through either waiting to long, or over analyzing it or worst just not showing up.  And usually most of those things looking back now I really wish I would of done them because now I feel sometimes worst that I didn't.  Its all very confusing and frustrating, but I keep getting up and trying again each day.  I'm anxious to hear how you your first day at whatever you decide to do goes, and then the 2nd and 3rd day.  And if your not sure maybe just pick one of the 3 to start with and just do that first, just to help build a sense of yes I can do this, then maybe tackle something else next.  Thats what Ive had to do and well, sometimes it works and many times it still hasn't.  Maybe someone else here has some other ideas, Id love to hear because Im going through a lot of what you described even now, and this is 3 years later now.  It sucks.  Ill tell you what though, Im getting tired of watching tv and watching the world go by.

Comment by Chum on June 29, 2016 at 11:29pm

Charlie, this is how I felt throughout this past year. Much prefer being home doing my own thing just surfing the Internet or vegging out. I'm not pushing myself and have no one to push me or make suggests about my state of mind. It's great. It's not great that I'm alone without Jordan but it's the next best thing as we spent so much time at home, doing our own thing, getting together for dinner, and reading outside. I'm still doing all of this just without him and I don't feel I should be doing anything else. I'm content with my animals and the occasional one of two friends checking in.
Don't sweat what you think think you should be pushing yourself to do. What would your wife saybtinyou st this time?

Comment by Charlie on June 29, 2016 at 6:41pm

I'm wondering if any of you have experienced what I'm going through. My beautiful Dreamgirl took flight on March 21 of this year.  Since then, like most of you, I'm devastated, destroyed, lost, alone, etc., paralyzed, anxious and nervous. I'm in grief counseling and also have my brother and daughter for support.  They're all gently encouraging to take a first step to get back to so-called "living" again.  My counselor has suggested a few ideas of baby steps I could take.  I'm not sure if I even WANT to step out right now.  All I want to do is be at home alone and not see anyone. I'm not lonely overall, just lonely for my Laurie.

Anyway, I have researched some of the ideas that my counselor suggested, and I have even gotten approved to drive for Uber, found a 6-week class on the history of Jazz, made a call about volunteering at the animal shelter that we had talked about volunteering together at one point.  With Uber I went through the whole involved process to get approved.  At this point I could go online and try it with one trip and quit if it didn't work for me.  When I think about that, I get a knot in my stomach, I breathe faster, I feel my heart beating faster, etc.

I went online to register for the class, thinking I could go to the first one and quit if it was too difficult.  When it got time to click on the "Submit" button, I had the same feelings as with Uber.

Same way with the Animal Shelter. I called and they're sending me the application.  Maybe that will be something I can do. We'll see, but I won't be surprised if the same thing happens like with the others when the time comes to pull the trigger.

My counselor says there is an inner conflict.  Intellectually I know I might benefit from taking a baby step, but deep down my heart just wants to be home with Laurie, doing a little side job and watching a lot of TV.

Anybody want to weigh in?

Comment by Mary on June 29, 2016 at 6:20pm

Denise my thoughts are with you with your struggles. I understand your feeling disconnected ... Like everything is unplugged and "alone".
That will be nice I think living with your daughter - would be less lonely I would think. Hugs to you

Comment by Denise Lavoie on June 29, 2016 at 8:18am

Mary,I am in the middle of a war between my youngest daughter and my oldest daughter.They can't stay in the same room together.That is making the grieveing process even harder.Some one to talk to keeps me from exploding.I wish it was different.I feel so disconnected.I love them both very much.The youngest has the power of attorney over me .My husband had that set before he passed on ,he felt Rachel was more qualifed to take care of things.I am fine with that.I will be moving in with Rachel and Brandon,they bought a house big enough for all of us. Everyday is very hard.July 4th will make it 3 months.

Comment by Mary on June 28, 2016 at 11:45pm

Hi Denise. We are here for you. I too don't like the word widow. I still feel like a wife but who has lost her husband.
Was curious about how you feel about going to see a councillor- do you feel it helps a little. It's been 9 weeks since my Neil passed, and I find it harder each day.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on June 28, 2016 at 11:02pm

Today has been very hard.I went to my second counciling session  .I have not thought of myself in so long I don't know who I am. I am a widow now which I don't like.I am a mother, a grandmother, and a great-grandmother titles that don't mean anything to me right now.People tell me I will see him again and we will be together for eternity I can't wait.I long to be with him.I am glad I can share my feelings.

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 27, 2016 at 10:42am

Marsha:  Absolutely agree with you.  John died shortly before our 57th anniv.  I honestly don't know how I have managed to live without him in my life.  Not for six days or six weeks, let alone six months.  His spirit is in our home and it makes me comfortable to know he is here.  I am never afraid to be alone.  I hope John is watching over for me...he didn't think I was a good driver!  I love him, as long as I live, he will live.  God bless us both Marsha.  This is such a place of comfort for me.

Comment by Marsha on June 27, 2016 at 10:19am

Oleta, I agree with you completely. It will be six months for me on July 14. He died on his birthday Jan. 14. He was the love of my life. We were married two weeks shy of 55 years. I thought we had al least another 10 years but God had different. I have tried to fill my days but he is always there in everything and I don't want to ever loose that. I want him with me always. I know he is watching over me and like you I think he would be proud of how I am handling things. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 27, 2016 at 8:51am

Denise:  I don't think it gets easier, at least it hasn't so far.  I am content to live with my memories.  I miss my husband more than words can say...there are no words.  I hang in there because of my husband.  He would want me to do and be the best I can.  I think he would be proud of me. It's six months today...as long as I live, he will live.

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