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Comment by val on July 1, 2016 at 10:47am

hi, so hard , thanks for your reply im an on site retirement schem manager which has been so hard as im trying to dodge all my residents every time i go out my door,  , i just want to run away and not talk to anyone , didnt know greive would be so painful, back to work end next week and i dread it , funeral tuesday , i talk to him all the time, we had a good connection (both spiritualists) and hes alreadyu shown me hes ok, its me who is finding it hard to cope with living .  

Comment by Oleta Cato on July 1, 2016 at 10:22am

Val......That's just how I felt.  I knew unless someone had lost a spouse they would have no conception of this deep grieving, in the pits of Hell.I sat in His chair all day and asked Him why he left me.   It's been six months and is somewhat better.  Not much but at least (most of the time) I can talk with people and not break into hysterics.  I tell him daily, "As long as I live, you will be remembered.  As long as I live, you will be loved."

Comment by val on July 1, 2016 at 9:49am

seem to cry so much, been two weeks now, wander from room to room

awful, he wouldnt have wnated this for me ,but its hard ,i dont wnat to bump into anyone , i dont wnat to discuss it with anyone ,i just want to hide and i wnat him back, i know thats not possible, but its so final   

Comment by Mary on July 1, 2016 at 5:32am

Joanne very well said. I know my husband Neil would want me to be happy and live life - but he would understand how I'm feeling - I'm sure he'd be the same. You don't realize how you can live it without experiencing it.

Comment by stewart p on June 30, 2016 at 11:15am

mel, i agree i dont know what to make of myself either but its been 3 years for me now and doesnt appear to be becoming any clearer, i think

Comment by joanne on June 30, 2016 at 11:08am

I think if I had that conversation with Andy, I would have told him to be happy and live his life, I know he would wouldn't want me to be like this, but it's easy to say those things, but when you actually experience the loss of the person you love, you simply cannot comprehend how devastating it will be, if Andy somehow appeared to me now and told me to be happy... well I still couldn't do it, I don't think a broken heart on this level can ever be mended, I don't think I will ever be truly happy again, and mel like you I am simply lost xxxxx

Comment by Mel Royer on June 30, 2016 at 10:43am

Hey, Stewart,

Fort me it's a matter of definition. In 24 years of marriage, Nancy and I pretty much defined who the other was. I still, a year later, don't know what to make of myself..what to do...what I am..where to go. Lacking an updated definition of my life, I am simply lost.  As far as that hypothetical conversation goes, we had it.  Before Nancy's stroke, in the sweet old days of Camelot, Nancy told me that if she died before me she would expect me to get out, reconnect and even re-marry. She told me she would want me to be happy and fulfilled.  Well, Ain't gonna happen, sweetheart. Not interested. I will try to do my best to re-define my life so that I can live it with a degree of comfort but Nancy was just too important a part of me becoming who I am to go much beyond that.

Comment by Mary on June 30, 2016 at 10:41am

That's a good question Stewart. I know if it was me who died first I wouldn't want my husband to sit around grieving his life away. But on the other hand to know what I know now of how it feels it's hard not too. But I wouldn't want to see my husband in so much pain. My life has changed unexpectedly- it's hard to live each day without my life partner. It's hard to grasp the reality. It's heart breaking to be "alone" especially at 53.

Comment by stewart p on June 30, 2016 at 10:24am

Im curious who of any among us here, if we were sitting down with our spouse at this very moment and everything was like you use to be.  Lets say we were sitting down and just talking and the subject of one of us passing away kept up.  Im curious who among us who of told our spouse that if we passed away first we would want them to curl up and stay home and stop living, to be sad and miserable and just think about us all day long and how much they miss us?  I dont think any of us would of ever said that and probably quite the opposite.  So what do you suppose it is so many of us seem to be doing just that to ourselves?

Comment by Mary on June 30, 2016 at 2:53am

Charlie. I think it would be good to take those baby steps but only if you think you can. Maybe just pick one and like you said you don't have to continue if you don't feel comfortable after the first try. Maybe the Uber one - less contact with people to start with.
Chum - I can relate to you. That's where I am at. I feel comfortable at home. Before I used to work long hours but home is where I would be with my Neil. Being home now is bittersweet because my Neil is not here but I feel close to him. I haven't even been able to go back to work. Fortunately I work for our family business and my siblings have been taking care of my work. But I'm beginning to feel guilty about not going in. I might try to work from home. But my mind just wanders.
I too am not lonely but only lonely for my Neil and our life together.
It's been thunder storming these last two nights and I miss snuggling up to him. Just the comfort of having him with me - and now gone - is hard to bear.

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