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Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 10, 2016 at 2:47am

Hi All,

I haven't posted in a while, but have kept up with your posts. I've had a lot going on and have been overwhelmed with all the many things happening at the same time. I had to travel to Bangladesh for a month--I take turns with my others siblings to take care of our disabled older brother. Also, I took early retirement in May and have put our dream house on the market for sale. Needless to say, these life changes are not helping with my bereavement. 

It'll be two years on August 4th when my darling Joseph left this world. And while I am no longer in the throes of anguish, everyday I still wish I could join Joseph today. The desire to be reunited with Joseph is as strong as it was in the first few months. I make it through the day, but there is no purpose to my living, no joy, no desire to prolong my life. I am alive only because I have to be, not by choice...

I send you all here my best wishes and feelings of empathy. We are all suffering to varying degrees and are enduring the most horrific human experience, the loss of our soulmate, our lover and life partner. Hope that you guys are able to make baby steps everyday and hang in there. 

Sending love, Trina

Comment by Elynn m on July 6, 2016 at 12:54am

Patti...you will get through this..    we don't always make time to plan or talk about death.  We are too busy enjoying each other.   Ando there is nothing wrong with enjoying the person God gives us.

when we were younger, we were so in love , that separation by death wasn't even in our thoughts.  When you are young, you don't think that people die until they are "old"

"Grieving", as u know,  is a different process for everyone.   Don't allow another person's opinion of your grieving become your opinion of grieving.!   Everyone is unique.   I probably grieve differently than you,  and that's OK.  You are doing a better job than u think.  It's OK to stay in one grieving spot for awhile.

I now encourage couples to tell each other how much they appreciate their spouse   WHILE THEY STILL HAVE TIME!!!! 

Comment by morgan on July 5, 2016 at 9:16pm

No reason for this hell.

 

I've been trying to figure out for years…. why?  What makes me fall into the hole and start digging when I hear a song or I run into someone who asks me a question that triggers memories?  Why do I just wake up and look at the room and begin to cry?  Why has this happened?  Why has my husbands death crippled me to the point that I have stopped living life but I am still breathing?  

 

I am missing something now that nothing and no one can inspire in me to make me feel more than just useless.  I can try to have the one or two  people who have stayed current with my sorrow understand how this is not a temporary state of my emotional health.  They still are grasping at straws wonderiing why I am unable to be less emotional than I am.  Even I wonder that.

After three years and five months people think I should have quit counting and be more recovered from the linking of what marriage meant to my psyche.  

 

Like you Chum, my husbands diabetes was getting worse and he would mention at times how he would die before me.  I would dismiss it and not really think it through either. It never occurred to me it would damage me as much as this has.

 

But now every day is about being left here without him.   It is constant and all consuming.  It is the overriding shadow with me all the time.  It rides shotgun in my mind every moment. I cannot forget how interdependent we were.  He loved me every moment of all 35 years. I loved him just as much.  And now, I don't know how to live without him.  It's just that simple. I am living life on autopilot.  It means nothing.   I don't know how I am doing it.   I don't want to do it.  And every moment I wish for it to all end.  Even while I function getting things done I want for it to stop.

 

All I want is my husband in my arms again.  Thats it.  Nothing else will do.

 

Comment by Chum on July 5, 2016 at 5:22pm

I am surprised at how little I understood about happens to you when you lose a lifetime partner. We always knew Jordan would go before me and I just looked at that as the future without Him but somehow everything else staying the same. I'm glad I didn't ever think it through accurately and enjoyed our time together. Things I didn't realize.

The finality of his death. Gone never to come back.

No longer one half of a couple.

No longer a wife.

The utter silence of the house without his puttering around.

Having him there to say...you know what just happened..etc., etc.

A puzzle or mystery that we wondered about suddenly being solved. I keep thinking I'll just write him a letter to tell him.

Random hugs.

Discussing a good movie .

The worst thing people say is 'call me if you need anything'. As if!

Comment by Elynn m on July 5, 2016 at 4:46pm

Patti...sorry to hear that you feel so bad.   God has a plan for everyone...including you. (Because  you are special in His eyes).    Sounds like you think this is your fault.  Easier said than done, but, don't be so hard on yourself!   

Comment by Oleta Cato on July 5, 2016 at 4:30pm

The 4 th of July was always special for our family.  John BBQ-ued and played gracious host for the whole family.  At nine in the evening we would watch fireworks from the best place in Kingwood.  Daily I ask God to bring him back to me.  For six months I have been living in a fog, knowing I will wake up and he will be here.  Not going to happen.  I will go to my Grief Session tonight.  The only thing I get from it is the companionship of others who are going through the same thing.  It helps keep me sane.  Then I come home to an empty house.  I want my husband.

Comment by Libbie H on July 5, 2016 at 3:27pm

July 4th was so special for us; my husband was a marine veteran, 19months after his death , daily tears and my heartbreak huge. Why can I not find comfort in him not suffering anymore?  Why did I pray for God to heal him on earth or heaven? I want him here!   

Comment by morgan on July 4, 2016 at 2:24pm

So today I can hardly eat.  Nothing tastes good.  I am tired of making half ass meals.  So many sandwiches.  I started getting sick Saturday evening and spent all day yesterday in bed.  The aches all over were really hurting. 

 

Today, July 4^th,  would have been our 38^th wedding anniversary.  Today my husband would have been making us a special dinner like lobster and I just finished making some ramen.  I can’t stand the constant compromises and having to resign myself to living less than a life.   There is no one that can give me a good reason to continue this ridiculous moving around.  Pretending that I can.

 

I don’t want to deal with this anymore.  I need something other than this.  There isnt even a word for it anymore.  This day long ago I was prounced a wife to a husband I adored.  Why am I being forced to live this out?  The pain of this is too much.  How can I do this anymore?  I cant do this.  I go from being halway level and then the train just derails.  How do I proceed?  Do I have to do more years of this?  Why?

Comment by Elynn m on July 4, 2016 at 12:25am

Carolyn....so sorry for your loss.    Yes, it can (and at one point will) get lonely.   Stay in contact with family if possible.   You've probably heard the song by Barbara streisand,   "PEOPLE".   The words r so true.  Hope u have at least one close friend u can confide in.  It helps to  talk to someone who is there physically, and able to listen.  It makes a big difference

Comment by Carolyn Byrum on July 4, 2016 at 12:12am

Oh my!my husband of 34 years has only been gone 3 weeks seems you guys have a way of describing the trttible loneliness and profound sadness I feel

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