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Comment by morgan on July 27, 2016 at 1:10am

Been a rough month and want to respond to some here but keep pushing this around and not writing.

Mel, the fact you saw an apparition is awesome. You must really be in tune.  I think it is definitely possible and wish it had been me because it must give you some new insight into how the other world can appear if the energy is needed.  I know you have been carrying a pretty heavy load lately.  Nancy must have worked up some major frequency to bring herself to help you.  Read a book called Travels with my Father by Nancy Meyer.  It is a good one to just get a feel for how one woman and her father were more connected to that kind of experience.  Hopefully the event will carry you a bit further.

Stewart,  I feel your words spoke volumes. I too am at the three year six month mark and like you I could just repeat everything you wrote.  I don't know how long I am going to go through the better days when the downs take me to the depths of hell within minutes.  I don't know what else to "do" to help me "get better" because if that's what this is like after this long I am not feeling the need or purpose either.  I have moved from FL to HI to MN and now in PA trying to reconstruct my life.  I have found location has not determined the level of the pain.  I know I could not have stayed in FL because of memories and financial encumbrances but I don't think I am choosing another place.  I am just landing.  It hasn't changed how I feel inside much.  I could go on at length about that part but right now am just watching my life as a surreal play.  

Denise,  I get mad too.  Mainly because I feel "left behind" and I too asked my husband for years to take better care of himself and yet I knew he was doing the most his own brain would let him.  Part of my love for him was for how rebellious he was when anyone told him how he was supposed to be.  Not to say I would always be in agreement, particularly concerning his health but I knew I was not going to change him.  And I still loved him from the depth of my soul.  I just wanted more.  Lots more.  There would never have been enough time with him.

Kelly, I'm not sure its so much about strength as it is about understanding that this is like being an infant.  You have to start from scratch.  You have to learn to focus again,  You have to crawl before you can walk.  You have to practice doing all of it and then falling will be another part of it.  

Doing counseling,hypnotherapy etc is all good.  It will help you in some ways and the best we all do is take baby steps. I wish I could give better and more advice but my time tonight is short but I wanted to say you are doing what you should do.  And trying to keep your job and working will help keep the focus no matter how hard it is. 

To everyone who keeps posting and explaining as to how they are doing I am so thankful in so may ways.  It just makes me know I am not crazy for all the reasons others who have not experienced such loss think should be so easy.  

And Pamela,  you are having some rough excruciating pain.  If there is a way I can help by talking let me know.  I can become a friend and see if you can spill some of that my way.  48 years is a very long time.  I had 35 married and 55 of knowing him.  Trying to rewire a brain after so much repetition I don't think is possible. Like you and many others here we feel like we are incapable and yet we keep breathing so we try to manage our "time".  I feel your pain if it helps at all.

And to Bluebird, Mori, Trina, Tildyc, Anne J, George, John T, Linda E, Stewart, Charlie, Chum, Stephen F, Rachel M, Michael T (UK), Hilary Chirstine, Mel, Marsha, and everyone....I care.

morgan

Comment by KELLY on July 26, 2016 at 3:58pm

Lost my true love tragically & unexpectedly on May 17th, 2016. He died in a car accident. Chris wasn't my spouse yet but he would have been in the summer of 2017. We only been together for 2 years but it was the best 2 years of my life. My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard when we were together. We also worked together for the last 6 years and I continue to work at the same place. How do you find the strength to put one foot in front of the other. On top of finding the strength to come to work everyday knowing he wont be there. I thought about resigning but it is a really great company and they have been very supportive. I am in counseling and grief counseling. I have tried hypnotherapy as well. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Comment by Mary on July 26, 2016 at 3:11pm

It's 3 months today that I have lost my precious husband Neil. Not a minute has gone by that I am not thinking of him. My life has remained in a stand still since April 26/16. He was the love of my life. I miss sharing my days with him, my 24/7. The word "miss" doesn't really say it. It's been the hardest 3 months of my life. I am so worried about the rest of my life. How will I go on when I don't really want to. I wish I could go be with him but I have 3 children that I'm sure need me for a little longer.
When I read people's thoughts on here about still struggling 3 + years I have little hope. But understand it - how do you live each day without your other half? I think people's relationships here were like that - their spouse was their life. My Neil was mine. We were together 35 years and my heart still skipped a beat when we were together. He was only 52. Too young yet. We still had more life to live and kids to finish raising. My heart is broken

Comment by stewart p on July 26, 2016 at 2:08pm

I hear some people not here though say things like "it gets better with time" and a host of other cliches well I don't know if that is true or maybe im going through a rut right now.  One thing Ive discovered over the last 3 years is that grief comes and goes in waves, for me at least it does.  Anyone who has seen some of my previous posts can tell that for the last couple of years or so i made a real effort going to counseling, attending bereavement group meetings, reading, journal, setting goals, exercising and trying anything else i could think of to help, and at the time it seemed to help, or at least pass the time away.  But recently Ive begun going through another stage it seems, one in which now I find myself really faced the cold hard truth she is gone and really gone and Im on my own.  What makes it particularly difficult now is trying to figure out what I shall do.  For 20+ years my world evolved around this other person and now Im asking myself what shall i do, i dont even know what i want to do if anything anymore and its really beginning to wear on me.  Live here, live there, work that, do this, I feel like I dont even care.  Unfortunately im not independently wealthy and remaining at home alone for the rest of my days isnt an option, but it feels like so hard to get up to go do anything.  Now maybe this is just a stage that will pass as so many others have, I certainly hope so but it surprises me to feel this way over 3 years later now, it sometimes feels worst than the months following her death.  Anyway, if this is what is meant by getting better with time there is not much better about it, that is a stupid saying.  In all fairness I will admit because of some legal matter surrounding my wife's death the whole issue was brought forth front and center for the past month and has required a great deal of my time, Im thinking maybe that has something to do with how Im feeling because of the amount of time I have been spending thinking about her and her death.  Or like I said its simply another stage in the long journey of grief, the road from hell as some have called it. 

I don't know about the rest of you but often I fantasize, wonder really, or think about what it would be like to pack up and just move somewhere new and begin life from the point forward, would I begin to feel better, closing the door on the past, would i begin to think and focus more on where I am at and what I want to do moving forward, or as some of us have spoken of before would I regret leaving this behind?  I don't know and I feel like what ever is going to happen is going to be more of a matter of just accident, its just going to happen  or evolve without me really choosing one way or another.  Very confusing times, very hard to see a way forward.

Comment by Chum on July 18, 2016 at 5:32pm

Yesterday I was hit with another death.  Since Jordan died June 15 2015, his dog  Beau died at the end of May and yesterday out of the blue Beau's little sister died completely unexpectedly.  She has been my motivator this past year, so full of energy and always wanting to get going - she rarely stopped moving......until yesterday, on the way to the vet she died in my arms.  I am devastated, Blondie, the last of their pack, and I just keep looking at each other with WTF looks.  I brought Buttercup back home so that Blondie and the birds could sniff and see that she didn't disappear in a car, never to come back. 

Although I'm crying for my little doll of a Buttercup, I'm crying for Jordan and so so missing him even more than ever at this moment.  I know I'll get through this and this rotten feeling will ease up after a few days, but I just long to hear the words of comfort he would have for me at this moment.  I have gone through so much loss this past year and as I just seem to be getting on okayish, another pet of our little family dies.  We never had children but we always had a pack of dachshunds along with the birds.

My sisters want me to move back to New Zealand but I've lived in Canada 48 years and feel north american.....but I'm here completely alone.  I'm a loner by nature and very happy with it but as my little family shrinks I'm at a loss what to do with myself.

Thanks for letting me dump!  This is a place where I feel I can do so without bumming everyone out.

Comment by Charlie on July 15, 2016 at 9:09pm

I'm with you, Copper "Charlie"!

Comment by Copper "Charlie" on July 15, 2016 at 6:30pm

I wish I dreamed about my husband all the time, I'd stay asleep best I could.  But I don't unless they are nightmares.  An occasional good dream.  But I know what you mean about wanting to sleep rather than be awake and dealing with this world.  You're not alone!

Comment by stewart p on July 14, 2016 at 9:41am

Weird dream last night, my wife was packing up to leave, in fact with many of the dreams I have had lately she seems to be always in the process of moving away from me.  Weird. Ive been reading lately about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) how the conscious and sub- interact.  I have many of her things/clothes still in the house and sort of wish I had dealt with these things sooner, I really dont feel like going back to it but now Im anxious to to get some of the stuff out of here.  Why?  For 3 years Ive been stuck in sadness, grief, misery and now the dawn is rising and the reality is dawning, she has left and I must carry on however that looks or what that looks like is yet untold.  Its a new adventure, a turning point in life.  We carry on and live for those who can not and to keep their memory alive.  Im convinced now more than ever as V Frankle and many others have written, we find meaning in life when we begin to look outward from our selves and into the lives of others and surviving the experience of loss gives us a unique perspective and strength that we can share with others, but only once we begin to accept our reality and lessen the energy and time spent in our own misery.  Whether its my wife in my dreams or simply my subconscious, either way someone is saying good bye, and i either can sulk in that as I have tended to do for the past 3 years or I can use that energy to do for others I could not of done before myself.  To me that is the mystery and though while sad at the same time exciting to have loved and to have love and to be taken apart from it.   Ive always tried to be a glass 1/2 full sort of guy, and look for the good in anything.  As it's written in rom God uses all things for good and what we meant for bad he uses for good. Its all a matter of perspective and what we choose to do with it.  There will always be time to spend in solace and remembrance, even sadness but we shouldn't allow it to take hold of our lives permanently.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 14, 2016 at 2:14am

Dear morgan,

 

I always appreciate hearing from you as you are a very compassionate person and also because all that you say sounds so true. I could have said those things myself about my journey of grief.

I am having a very hard time. Our dream home is under contract for sale, which is a relief because I do want to sell the house. But having to sell the house where Joseph and I lived the last few years of our life together. Not only am I going to have to give up the home that we both so loved, but also I am having to part with most of Joseph’s belongings. I had already started to give away his things, especially winter clothes. Up here in Alaska there are many people who have use for free winter clothes. So soon after his passing, I gave away a bagful of clothes and shoes, and gave his adoring students a bulk of his books.

But now the time has come for me to be ruthless and give away most of his worldly possessions, and he had many. We made fun of each other as we both liked to buy and accumulate things. As I am going through his clothes, books, bags, shoes, musical equipment (he used to play the piano and keyboards; he played with a band), camera gadgets, I am finding myself wrapped in reminiscing and remembering. Each of the items has a memory, a story that we shared. So I find myself paralyzed, both by grief for having to part with something that belonged to my darling Joseph, and also because at every juncture I am pausing and remembering. It’s a heartbreaking experience. I am reliving the pangs of loss of first few months. I had been doing a little bit better, not crying every single day, most days though, and now having to part with Joseph’s belongings is like parting with him anew.  The pain and suffering never ends. They come back to haunt you in different guises, under different circumstances. There is no escape until death.

Every morning now as I wake up, I say a prayer that as soon as the house sale is complete and I have vacated it, may I be freed and given leave to join my wonderful husband. I didn’t want to die before having disposed of my responsibilities (selling the house), so as not to impose on my siblings. When I have sold the house, I will write my will to leave part of my estate to Swedish Hospital and St. Jude’s Hospital to benefit cancer patients and their families. At that point, I will feel that I can die without having caused my family members a hassle, having to take care of my affairs.

My siblings have long lost patience with my ongoing grieving. It will be two years on August 4^th, and as far as there are concerned, enough grieving, on to life. My second nephew (I have two) is getting married at the end of this month. As his aunt I am supposed to show a brave face and join in the festivities. Life is so cruel! I can barely keep it together, but all my family members believe that I should be joining the world of the living and “doing my part.”

I have become quite an accomplished faker. When I am around my family, which quite frequent, I engage with them, minimally, but I do engage and take part. Only when I am alone can I retreat in my inner world and commune with Joseph.

So my dear morgan, what you say sounds so familiar and close to my heart. I wish you some respite from the mourning. At least, as you say, the grief and the pain is cutting down our years. I know years have been shaven off of my life span by my loss and mourning. Hang there, dear friend, and take one day at a time.

Sending everyone on this forum wishes for peace and healing.

Comment by morgan on July 12, 2016 at 11:41pm

Trina, Part 2

This silence that envelops me without him responding is slowly but surely twisting the knife and shortening my time here as the anguish just keeps taking minutes off my life.  Better still, as I can’t see this lasting.  It’s not anything I am sure he would have planned to have happen to me as his love ran too deep.  I can only hope against all reason that he is somewhere just waiting for me to join him.   He must be, otherwise I could not feel such an unremitting pull still towards him.  Waiting has been torture but until I can do otherwise it’s all I’ve got.

 May each of us find some small parts of day when the pain is less.  I think we deserve at least that.

 

 

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