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Comment by Kathryn HUDSON on August 15, 2016 at 8:22pm

Reading the last two posts, I feel the same way, except I try to pack my days with children, grandchildren, friends just so I don't have to be along. My husband and I were always together 47 plus years, he had his own business so literally we were always together. When I go to the grocery store all I can think of is the things he liked to buy and it's just so sad.  I agree with the adapt and change but I don't think many of us will change.  I have a heart condition that honestly I hope kills me.  I don't care to live without my husband and I would never ever be interested in anyone else, when you have the best you don't want anyone between me and him in eternity. I'm going to a grief share with my daughter (her idea) tomorrow night, could care less about it.  I don't think I'm going to like hearing other people's stories. I've never been a group type of person.  My daughter I think is hoping it will take some of the burden (me) off her.  I don't want to be a burden to her, but I also don't want to be alone much. But I have no idea how to live without my sweet husband.  No one can believe it, he was healthy, walked 20 miles or more a week, played golf, tennis, never took any medications, was almost 70 years old and looked 50.  

Comment by bluebird on August 15, 2016 at 7:59pm

stewart,

I do understand about feeling anxious especially concerning new things (jobs, etc.), and about not wanting to do anything, and about wanting to just stay in bed.

That is exactly how I feel, all the time. I hate it when my phone rings or I get a text, because it was via a phone call that I learned my husband had collapsed.  I don't want anything to happen, good or bad. I want nothing to happen in my life; I just want everything to remain exactly as it is until I die, which I want to happen as soon as possible. I do not want anything to change from the way it was when my husband was here with me. As you said, I feel there is no purpose to anything in life anymore.

Comment by stewart p on August 15, 2016 at 4:15pm

Shannon, I just read your post there as well, so many good posts here I havent seen for a while.  Should be over it?  As you can see from my last post below.  Ive taken jobs and quit, plans to go somewhere and stay home, rummage through the cupboards instead of go grocery shopping.  Not all the time, its hit and miss. I can have a good moment and then the next day (an hour later LOL) it all turns to crap.  We might "get over" to the point we're not greiving all day long everyday, I dont any more, but there are so many other ways this loss seems to leave a permanent change in our lives there is no "getting over it".  There is only adapting and changing with it.  I read somewhere by some famed psychologist who wrote that every encounter we have with someone impacts us or changes us in some way, obviously some to a lesser or greater extent than others depending on the degree of involvement.  If we accept this thesis than it only goes to follow that such an encounter as this we all have had most certainly will impact and change us considerably, so there is not "getting over" it as much it is learning how to adapt and live with it.  But that is where I seem to have recurring problems, just not living like I feel I should be, or at least not getting on with life the way it once was or seemed how it should be.  I could book a flight for a trip next week and honestly Im not sure Id make it to the airport the day it came to go, that is what it is like for me and what is worst, I never know if next tue or wed will be an ok day or one of those days.

Comment by stewart p on August 15, 2016 at 4:02pm

Now on a more temporal note, I had to check in here because I dont know abuot the rest of you but every time I get a chance to turn a new chapter in my life, a job or whatever it is I get filled with anxiety and fear.  So much so that I even sometimes begin to sweat &/or nervously shake.  I feel fear that I will make a mistake or maybe something positive might turn out, IDK.  I feel almost like just going back to bed and returning to my old habits of sitting around starring out at space with the window blinds drawn as I did the first year or two.  This whole thing (experience) never seems to go away.  First there was the shock of the loss, the sadness, the grief and now even though a few years have passed I feel like it is difficult to move forward.  Ive started a couple of new jobs in the past year only to quit before or shortly after I began, and I dont even seem to care.  I just finally this summer committed to making a list to get rid of some stuff and have been doing that pretty well these past few weeks so that is encouraging, but life is just not the same.  That's why I popped on here to share that and see if anyone else has similar experiences, then I read Ruthie's comments below and felt compelled to respond, and after that I do feel more reassured again, sort of.  Its almost like responding to her helped me remind myself of what's important.  But in the meantime I know I do have to pay my bills and things and its so hard getting out there in the world everyday.  Driving in traffic, showing up for an appointment, making an important phone call, everything is not only so hard to do it seems often times so pointless.  I use to do these things no problem to support my wife and family, now she is gone and kids are grown at the same time, so I dont really feel like there is much purpose in any of it much any longer.  Anyone else feel similar or can relate?

Comment by stewart p on August 15, 2016 at 3:53pm

Ruthie,  What a terrible ordeal for you and I am sorry, I cant imagine how isolating that must feel for you.  Ive come to believe that many of us suffer needlessly throughout life in one form or another much of it because of our parents, and of our course our children too will struggle with issues we unknowingly pass on to them, and unfortunately some have worst parents than other and I can only feel for those who do.  Through our anger, pain, confusion and anguish which accompanies our grief it becomes difficult for us to see what might be clearer from anther's perspective and so I humbly offer mine.  You may look up the Greek translation of the word "praise" and find that it differs from the English definition; to celebrate, become intimately acquainted or as one writer put it; "rockin with the cross"   If we look at creation I believe it is clear God is creative, imaginative and likes to have fun filled fellowship, and not the dutiful & boring routine many churches have us believe.  We can read about parts of several intimate moments Jesus spent with his disciples as well as stories of God walking around with Adam in the garden.  The things they must of talked about and shared, can you even to begin imagine?  Sometimes I wonder if those who have already left us might not be sitting up there feeling sorry for us left here still.

As far as "making sense" I have to say my faith makes more sense than ever because it is so startling clear by now that this life truly is passing and we have to set our eyes not on the things of this world that surely will pass, but on the things to come which will last forever.  And the loss of my wife has forced upon me that fact as I believe no other event in my life could have.  Hang in there and if you choose continue to pray, God will answer in his own way and his time, i promise.

Comment by Ruthie on August 11, 2016 at 8:40am

My husband (Kevin) went hunting with his Dad on 1-7-16 and was shot.  His father (Fred) claimed that he bent down to pick up the rabbit and accidently shot part of his face.  Fred moved the rabbit and both guns before sheriff came, however, Sheriff found where rabbit was shot and it was ten feet from Kevin's body, so he was no where near the rabbit.  I knew for the first day the injury was to minor to be in the range of Kevin, but the Sheriff closed the case anyways.  Getting report from coroner tomorrow stating that injury was at least 5 feet away and Kevin could not shot himself.  But my attorney says that does not mean the Sheriff will open the case.  Fred is the kind of man, that could do this too.  He was mocking his son for wearing our church rubber bracelet the month before which stated love, faith, serve.  I have stopped attending church--for what kind of God would require we praise him--others say he does not need our prayers--I know but why does he require it.  It says in the bible we will praise the Lord all day long in heaven--Would that not get boring--is that not self centered? Has anyone else realized the faith made no sense after the lose of their husband.  We have a Beautiful 26 year old that he was able to walk down the isle in August 2015.  We were looking forward to grandchildren, and Fred goes on with his life, doing his garden and getting married in this time. What a messed up world.

Comment by bluebird on August 6, 2016 at 11:53pm

Shannon,

I'm sorry you are in this hell too, and sorry that your husband was murdered and they didn't catch the killer.  I have to say that I don't see why you should be "over it", over your husband's death. I will never be over the death of my husband. If you are able to make plans for your life and do things you want to do (like climb Everest again), then do that, and I truly hope you are able to find some peace and/or happiness in those things. But don't let anyone else tell you when/if you should be "moving on" with your life -- they simply don't know what this hell is like, and they have no say in what you do.

Comment by Shannon Thorn on August 6, 2016 at 6:33pm

Hi.

I posted in a young widows group already but this seems to be more trafficked and right now I am so upset I can't even begin to imagine who to go to. 

I met my now deceased husband when I was 12.  I started dating him right before my 15th birthday and married him when I was 18.  I was widowed when I was 27 due to his murder and his killer was never caught. 

But let me back up a bit.  I didn't have a very good relationship with my mom growing up.  My dad was okay to great except that he always had his head up his ass being exhausted from work so he didn't completely notice how she was/is.  It was my then future husband who taught me to stop being her doormat and that I didn't have to take to heart that nothing I ever did was good enough for her.  Mom didn't like that I wouldn't be her doormat anymore so eventually I went to court and got myself emancipated and graduated from high school early and went onto college before getting married. 

I went on to have a great life with my husband except for repeat miscarriages.  That didn't stop me from getting great jobs and becoming an expert mountain climber.  I even made it within 3000 ft of the top of Mt. Everest before I fell and broke my back and needless to say was lucky to survive. 

Trouble is, most days I don't feel lucky I survived anymore and it's not all even that one of the shit relationships I got myself into stole everything I'd ever earned and beat me for working--I still never would have gotten myself into that situation if I didn't miss my husband anywhere near as much as I do; in fact I even ask myself why I couldn't have just died up there if my husband had to die anyway.

On my better days, I want to attempt Mt. Everest again more than anything in the world.  On a bad one (even if a bad day shows up an hour later...), I want to do everything from throw out my clothes to throw out all the fiction I tried self-publishing but nobody has bought to just blah.  What makes it even worse is, I see people I used to know better than I do now after he died (because I shut them out because they think they know what they speak of when they don't...) get into relationship after relationship and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I don't see anyone out there that, not even mentioning take his place, that I would want to know my favorite movie, what the nightmares are that he might be waking me up from if that is his unfortunate job or even worse when I remember my accident to the letter and those hours before it where there were all the frozen corpses and what I hallucinated up there right before I fell.  Hallucinations aren't unusual (or at least that's what I was told...) at that extreme an altitude.  But that's not the point...my point is, even all these years later all I do is sleep wrong and my back is out for a few days and then I just want the man back who understood why I want things like Mt. Everest even if I never should've been there to begin with.  Now it feels like all that's left are people who judge me for it; well that and that I eventually want to get back up there and summit it if it is the last thing I do. 

I know it's been years...I know that I should probably be more over it than I am even though he was the love of my life.  I know that I need to do something more constructive than just want my dead husband back every time my back is out.  Therapy told me it'd just get better with time but it hasn't and I don't know what to do anymore.  Anyway, thanks for listening and sorry to anyone who knows what this feels like. 

Comment by Marsha on August 6, 2016 at 5:34pm

Barbara, I am so sorry for your loss. My story reads almost the same as yours. My husband and I were two weeks shy of being married 55 years when he passed away on his birthday this past January. He was my life. We did everything together. It's hard to go on without him. I know the pretend life that you talk about. He was in the hospital for three weeks before he died. I live that three weeks over and over and still don't understand what happened. I can't imagine my life being any different and I'm starting to think that I'm just existing until it's my time.
Peace to all of us Barbara.

Comment by Maxey on August 6, 2016 at 2:25pm

I keep thinking back about how contented and happy I was at this time last year. Each day drifted by with my husband and I living in our retirement home, and it was such a happy life. All of a sudden, nine months later, my husband and my life are gone. I live now in a "pretend world". I go out and talk with people, but I am really not there in spirit. I come home and think, "I didn't really enjoy being there". I only want my old life back,but I know that is not going to happen. I guess that is the real pain, having to acknowledge that I am now going to live the rest of my life alone and wishing God would take me home to be with my husband of 55 years. Yes, yesterday was our wedding anniversary; how can one continue living with part of their soul ripped away?
It seems so unfair that these last years of my life have to be filled with saddness. I hope all here on this site find some peace today.

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