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Comment by Mel Royer on August 30, 2016 at 1:08pm

Thanks Copper Charlie...You have walked through the fire and your soul has been tempered. I am at a year and 4 months and today has been the worst day yet!  I am completely lost and broken on this Tuesday afternoon yet your comment has given me strength and a little bit of vision to see where I am going. It is a better place where I will be reunited with my bride.  God bless you.

Comment by Copper "Charlie" on August 30, 2016 at 4:37am

A friend told me "It never gets better.  Ever.  It just gets easier." 

I honestly don't know how much of that will apply to me.  I know it applies to some people I know.  And I know that it will never apply to others.  It's been a year and 17 days for me.  The violent screaming in the night for him has calmed.  The last time I did that was 17 days ago.  I think the truth for me is that it's not that it's gotten easier, it's that I've figured out how to push it all away for brief spells and have buried myself entirely in my writing.  It was my escape the last time I needed one.  I think it is now, too.  There is a picture of the two of us over the mantle.  I avoid looking at it, but I'd die before I take it down.  Every time I look at it, I cry.  I still barely function.  However, my mask is usually perfect.  But now, much to my dismay, life is trying to make me take part in it.  But that's another story.

As to the prayers for release/relief from pain and suffering...

God knew that I would rather bear the pain than know he was having to go through it.  I would gladly take whatever agony he would send me.  Well, he loved my husband, too.  Even more than I did.  He loved my husband so much, he looked at him and said, No.  By My grace, you will not hurt anymore.  And he didn't.  I believe he looked at me and said, You will bear his pain, as you begged to do, only it will be in the form of grief.  But you will be together again. 

No.  Believing all of this doesn't make the pain go away. But it reminds me that God's mercy and grace are eternal and all-encompassing.  And that is something I am glad I'm not likely to forget.  I don't have explanations of learned men to back me up, or archeological proof from the science community.  But there comes a day when you realize you have a choice.  Do you believe in something.  Or do you not.  Some refuse to believe because they hurt.  Others grab hold and their belief never wavers. I chose to believe in my husband's integrity, wit and love.  I chose to believe there is a better place.  I chose to believe we will be together again.  My choices.  My beliefs.  My reality.  And if it doesn't jive with yours, I'm cool with that.  That's your choice. 

Night

Comment by Mary on August 30, 2016 at 1:52am

It's so hard hearing everyone's stories. I know the pain you are all feeling. It is so devestating. I didn't know one could hurt so bad, muss someone so much, feel immense sadness. I lost my precious Neil 4 months ago and the pain I feel is still so raw. It feels harder each day. We were together 35 years since we were 18. He was the joy in my day. I don't know how to live each day without him

Comment by Libbie H on August 29, 2016 at 11:25pm

Amy- I wish I could give you that hope.  I am so sorry for your heart!  We were a couple for 36yrs and married for 31 when he died; no children.  He had a 10 year fight and as you said deserved his suffering to end.  I lost my Mom 2yrs before he died and for me too loosing half of me is just devastating. I miss my Mom but my heart is broken for my husband.  Not sure if that makes sense. I want and pray for my suffering to end as I'm sure we all do; no answer yet...praying for peace for you..thank you

Comment by Libbie H on August 29, 2016 at 10:45pm

22 months since my husband died and I am so devestated!  His recent birthday just pushed me over...I can not move from my bed or chair; just paralyzed. Don't know how to live without him. Don't won't to.  Prayed during his suffering for God to heal him on earth or in heaven...Why did I ask for that?  I cry everyday, need him every moment. I have really tried to go places to remember our good but it just doesn't...it just hits me of my even greater loss...

Comment by Donna Amendola on August 18, 2016 at 4:29pm

I really do feel the pain here.  I know exactly how it feels.  People say it will get easier, but I struggle to believe that.  Its only been 2 months for me.  I still don't even know why my husband died.  They said 6-8 weeks and it has been more than that now.  I have a 10 year old son I have to carry on for.  But all the time  I sit there and just feel like its all over for me.  I don't want to be here, it is pure hell.  Then I feel guilty because of my son.  I hate my life, I hate everything.  All the things I used to like to do, I don't want to do anymore.  I just stare into space most of the time when I am not sobbing my heart out.  When my son is around I put on the mask and go through the motions, mostly on autopilot.  But at night especially, when the bedroom door closes and the light goes off, the grief slams into me again like a huge lorry, and the tears start all over again.  I loved my husband so much, he was my twin flame, my life, my everything.  And the pain, it is pure agony. like nothing I have ever known. 

Comment by Copper "Charlie" on August 18, 2016 at 2:04pm

Sorry for the ramble.

Comment by Copper "Charlie" on August 18, 2016 at 2:04pm

I went to a hospice program "Grief Group for Spouses" in March, I think.  It ended up being an all ladies group anywhere from ages 38 to 6?.  One of the ladies fills up her time with her grandkids, bicycling, she even went skydiving a couple of weeks ago.  She has times when she misses him terribly, but she's managed to (it seems) fill her life.  The others do similar things, keeping busy, etc. 

Me, however, I'm in the same boat as you guys.  I have no money to do anything.  If I do manage to do anything, others pay for my meals or whatever and I've gotten to where I feel guilty about that, although they swear they don't mind.  But I do, you know?

Even with my daughters in the house, I feel so very alone.  My husband knew me.  He went through hell with me when they were trying to find the right cocktail of meds to enable me to just function with my bipolar.  He loved listening to my stories that I write.  He had fantastic ideas for them and wrote bits and pieces, himself.  He made me laugh when I was sad.  He held me when I cried.  We would stay up all night sometimes, so tired we got stupid and couldn't stop laughing at each other.  When he was diagnosed with the cancer, I never left his side.  I took care of him, interpreted the doctor's explanations for him, kept up with all of the paperwork.  The cancer went into remission and we got another 3 years, but he was tired, so I still took care of him.  He was my reason for living, for doing, for existing.  He understood my bipolar spells and was very patient with me.  He loved me so much, and I knew that because he showed it to me every day.  He made me feel beautiful and being seriously overweight...that was something really important in my life.  He made me feel special.  He felt I was intelligent, interesting, creative, fun, loved my sense of humor.  We always finished each others sentences or ended up calling one another at the same time.  He always said we were two hearts, one soul.  We had that engraved on our wedding bands, even. 

Now, I'm lost, alone, lonely, everything is just a chore -- one more thing I have to make myself do.  I want to be alone 90% of the time.  I don't want to be bothered. 

I have one couple, friends, who call me every week or couple of weeks and want to go have breakfast or dinner.  It's very, very nice.  But it doesn't take long for me to want to come back home. 

I hear the same things all of you hear:  He would want you to be happy.  You need to let go.  He wouldn't want you to be upset and so consumed in grief.  Barely a week after he passed, I even had a buddy tell me "You're still young"  I wanted to slap him.  Then, around 7 months past my husband's death, my mother-in-law said it.  I think she was "testing" me, though.  Cause I told her as far as I'm concerned, I'm still married and she seemed satisfied, saying she felt the same way. 

I've started writing again.  I think it's more of an escape than anything, though.  I've been able to stay on the same story for once (usually I would switch between 7 different stories when I wrote because of the bipolar).  I'm working on his favorite one.  I lay in bed reading the stories a lot.  Most of the male leads are based off of some aspect of my husband. 

I know I've mentioned it before, but truly, the one thing I'm so tired of hearing is "you're so strong".  I want to scream at everyone who tells me that..."I've got a poker face like you wouldn't believe and honestly...I'm dying inside every single day!!  I'm alone.  I'm worthless.  I'm boring.  I'm nothing."  I hate it.

Comment by Elynn m on August 18, 2016 at 12:32pm

I can relate also.    Very difficult for me to keep busy, because I hardly get out of the house.   This group is the majority of social interaction I have.   Friends are busy with their lives.  I don't feel comfortable always calling them.   I realize that life goes on.  Just wish that friends would call more often.

Comment by morgan on August 17, 2016 at 11:19pm

How much longer am I going to be forced to live out this charade?  People say "stay busy".  I've done that at an increased pace for the past three plus years.  It doesn't make a damn bit of difference.  Location doesn't make a difference.  Nothing that I could do now in the present could help me not live in the past where I was happy.  I want to either live there or die.  I have no reason or purpose to do this on my own, here, alone.

 I know there are people who lose their spouse and find ways to fill their lives and give it some meaning.  I've tried.  Really hard.  And then I look at the possibility of having to live without my husband for  a long time and continue to have to do what i do just to live out my days and I really start thinking how horrible that would be.  All I can do is keep hoping that something is going to take me soon.  I would trade my life in a split second for someone who wants to be here because for me there is nothing.  He was just too much a part of me.  

My meltdowns are fewer (recently I have gone for two full days) but I just find this all so futile.  Why wont the universe let me go to my husband wherever he is?  This living here without him is just torture. 

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