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Comment by Christina on October 8, 2016 at 8:30pm

I lost my fiancé in November 2015. We weren't married yet but we lived as husband and wife and we were just waiting for the right moment to have a wedding . At the time we had an 18 month old daughter and I was 2 months pregnant. He died in a tragic accident at the age of 24. It's getting close to that one year mark and I don't feel any less pain than I felt the moment I heard the words "he's dead". I still can't believe it's true most of the time. I look at our two beautiful daughters and I'm so thankful I have them as reminders of our love but I want more. I want him here . I'm tired of making memories without him. I'm tired of having to pretend in front of everyone that I'm so strong and I'm fine. I wanna cry and scream and yell that this wasn't how my life was suppose to turn out . I wasn't suppose to lose the love of my life at 23 and we are suppose to be living a happy life . Instead all the important moments in my life are not bittersweet. The birth of my youngest daughter was the most bittersweet moment of my life. After two miscarriages I was so relieved and excited to be holding my baby in my arms that I had wanted so much but I felt so incomplete without him there. I cried because I was happy to hold my baby and I cried because I couldn't believe my love wouldn't ever get to hold her . I just miss him so much it hurts.

Comment by Charity on October 8, 2016 at 7:33pm

I read every story here and I see so much love. We were blessed with great love in our lives. I am grateful for the love God blessed me with in this dark world. I pray that every one here feels the peace of God in their lives.

Comment by Laurieann McCarthy on October 8, 2016 at 5:41pm

so....others feel this chasm of aloneness that I do.  I lost my husband of 42 years after extremely brief unexpected illness that was 'simple' then went bad and he coded and 'never came back'.  I am so afraid of making wrong choices w/ all the stuff I have to deal w/.  Mine was June 21st so I remember feeling lost, raw and fragile right afterwards so Kevin you must be hurting so bad.  I know this constant feeling like I have no safety net anymore will someday get better and at work I feel 'normal' (my new normal)....but I would love to have him just be in the next room like I try to trick myself into thinking to ease my pain.   sigh, 

Comment by Kevin Bailey on October 8, 2016 at 6:42am

Just lost my beautiful wife on October 5, 2016 after a long battle with cancer. I feel so much pain right now and emptiness inside. I try to be strong but I really don't have the energy, every time I think about her I break down. I miss her so, so much, I just wanna look into her beautiful brown eyes one more time and tell her I really love you.

Comment by Elynn m on October 6, 2016 at 11:54am

I like your comment ruthie.   This is not my final home!    Just "celebrated" the one year anniversary of my husband going to be with the Lord.   Was an interesting day!  I miss Joe so much!

Comment by stewart p on October 6, 2016 at 11:36am

John, I wouldnt read anything into anything might now discover, while it would be easy fall prey to our minds its far too easy to read incorrectly or too much into what another persons thoughts are each passing day. 

Comment by Ruthie on October 6, 2016 at 11:02am

Just got yelled at  by a very angry boss for something silly.  Normally I would be crying, but since my loss, things like this are nothing.  Just shows me that this place is not my home.

Comment by morgan on October 6, 2016 at 10:33am

Every day I wake up and wish. It's been three years and eight months since the love of my life, my husband was taken away from me. And every day I wish to be the next person who doesn't wake up. I have done everything in my worldly power to try to reconstruct a life. To endure the pain of losing him. To simply try to live. And every day I cry. I cry because I cannot fit back into life. I cannot do this without him. I ask to be relieved of this earthly realm. I cry for help. And no help comes.
Yes, I have parts of my days where I function the best I can. And if you were a person who did not know the pain inside you would think I am doing a reasonably good job at tackling life. But I am over it. I am so over it and yet I am trapped.
I was never meant to live without him. I do not understand why I am being held back from dying. I do not understand dying. I cannot seem to make the leap from life with him to life without him. The crying is just so endless. It relieves me for the moment but I know for sure it is going to come around again. And I cannot anticipate how bad it might be. And it still can be so bad. 
I wish I had an answer as to why and how dramatically my husbands death has affected me but I know it has. Completely and irretrievably. I wish I had an answer for others at the earlier stages as to how to go on. I don't. I just know that my biggest crutch is crying and taking life in small small increments. Tiny baby steps. Mostly an hour at a time.

And I wish for all of you some relief. Something that works to dull the pain. Because death brings with it nothing but pain as far as I can see.
Take care everyone. Thank you for sharing your pain here because it is helpful for me to know I am not alone in the respect of my inability to function. I know I am not crazy.

Comment by Elynn m on September 26, 2016 at 1:01pm

Tomorrow Wil be one  year.   Know I will be crying more than  ever.  I keep telling myself, " If I could turn the clock back one year and one day, things could be different."..      then reality hits!   

Comment by Ruthie on September 26, 2016 at 9:07am

Trina, our daughter is 27 and married, so she got to grow close to her daddy after the rough teenager years.  I think the pain you feel for your children's grief is so overwhelming at times. I pray for you and your children, because of their ages it makes a different horrible but different for each of us.  Who knew we could live this long with such intense pain.

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