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Comment by Joe Kelly on October 8, 2019 at 10:26am

Every day for me is the same day she passed.  Not a joyful or even an ok moment.  I spend a little time with the children and grands and do my best to hide my emotions, but they all know how I am inside, even the youngest grand at age 4 seems to know.

This month, two years ago, was the last golfing month together.  Next month two years ago, she got sick.  Then in December, we would had celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary.  Then in January, she passed.  All this plus the holidays coming, I don't know how I'll handle it all cause I can't handle anything on any day since she passed.

All I can do is wait in agony till I go to Her.

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 8, 2019 at 6:04am

Morgan,

I feel the same as you. My sweet dog Babie J is nearing the Rainbow Bridge. I wanted stay on this earth for her. Once she passes I will do nothing to save my own soul.

 

Comment by morgan on October 7, 2019 at 11:39pm

I wonder how i am managing.  Not well and to be onest today I wanted to just set a date with death. I am approaching seven years of being without him and though I function towards the outside world better and my crying has lessened but at the same time eerily deepened I am exhausted by moving through space without reason.  I have nothing. No purpose.  Just doing not being.  I am tired of staying here.  Will I last?  Only time will tell.

Comment by Linda Engberg on October 7, 2019 at 1:51pm

What a horrible price to pay for love. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 26, 2019 at 8:09am

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 11, 2019 at 6:16am

Today we Remember 9/11. I can't even imagine the terror and heartbreak the families must still have. Losing my Husband Julian under normal circumstances was bad enough. 

God Bless all the people that still suffer from this horrible attack. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 10, 2019 at 5:19pm

Dear Morgan,

Thanks so very much for your supportive letter. Sorry i didn't see it before. I replied to it just now, Sending you love and good wishes.

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 10, 2019 at 7:17am

Thank you friends for sharing your thoughts. I don't know what I do, if I didn't have this place to come to. We are all suffering and the real world just doesn't understand what we are going through. I miss the tender touch of my Julian, his love, his support, the sharing of life together. I am nothing without him. I just want him back and I know I cannot have him for the rest of my days. The life I am living is useless.

   

Comment by Joe Kelly on September 9, 2019 at 8:31pm

I have nothing that I want to or have to, to keep me busy except doing what I'm doing which has to have something to do with Her.  Like yesterday, I found a small  3/4 X 2 1/2 inch bottle with a cork when I went to the dollar store for essentials I need (even going in there without Her causes pain).  I have/had 5 locks of Her hair that I had the funeral director cut for me before burial.  I wear three of them on a necklace I made with open glass/stainless steel screw together cases with mini pics on one side and Her hair on the other.  One is at the bottom of the ocean on a memorial cruise we had booked with our youngest daughter.  I put it in a very small sealed stainless steel case, and added a little of mine.  She wanted so much to go on that cruise because it would had been the first for our last grand daughter.  It was painful being on a ship without Her so much so that I'll never step on a ship again.  She had told my daughter that She wanted to make it to that cruise when She was sick, but we knew She wouldn't (of course we didn't tell Her that).  So, I made a small pic of Her and took the last lock of Her hair and made a nice heirloom for my daughter.

Every day is the same with me always going to the cemetery and spending a couple or few hours there.  Sometimes, maybe once a week, I'll go to the store for some food (I hate eating and like nothing).  I'll go to one of my children's house maybe every other week, but always once a week with my youngest daughter.

Other than that, here I sit.  I have her 750 pics playing on the TV (Her whole life from about one till days before She passed).  I talk to Her all the time.  I ask for signs.  I saw a yellow butterfly at the cemetery that hung around her grave with me for quite a while.  Last night, I looked up yellow butterflies and found the one I saw and then looked at colors of butterflies and what they supposedly signify.  One of the meanings is that when they are near a grave, it means that the departed soul is happy in Heaven and trying to let the grieving person know.  That same butterfly was back today.  It was solid yellow, which is female, (males have a brown spot on their wings).

In order for me to keep busy, I have to do something that is about Her.  That said, I have very few diversions or anything that takes Her off my mind.  I had a visit with my GP today.  We always had the same appointment times and sitting in the waiting room is hell without Her next to me.  My GP is a great guy.  He know my wishes and I can share my grief with him.  I cried in his office talking to him.  He had told me in the past that he knows my wishes and just wants to make me as comfortable as possible.  Today he told me that he has the same spiritual beliefs I have and understands that I want to go to Her.  That someday I will.  This is my life now.  That and my first born with stage 4 incurable cancer which will eventually leave my two oldest grand children living with my son as their father abandoned them years ago.  I want no pity from anyone so please don't feel sorry for me.  I just want it over.  I'm done but have to wait for that F.... bus to come.  I had a wonderful life because of my Love and all I want is to go to Her.  She gave herself completely to me since the day we met and I want nothing more than to continue giving myself completely to Her.  OH GOD, I have to stop typing cause I'm in a frenzy right now.

Comment by morgan on September 9, 2019 at 7:15pm

Trina, Check your inbox for a message from me.

Joe,  So true.  That's exactly why I post here too.  I keep thinking if I get it off my chest and out into cyberspace at least I know I wont be suffering alone.  That consoles me.  But you're also right about it not taking the pain away.  There's only one thing that is going to do that and we all know what that is.

Ellyn, Yes, I too have kept myself so busy I don't have to think but then when I do slow down or try to get up in the morning it all hits hard.  I have found after this long that rather than desperation all the time it is mixed with hatred.  Hatred that I have to be here without him.  He always had my back.  And now there is no protection whatsoever.  I hate it.

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