Comment

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 16, 2016 at 4:15am

Tildyc and Morgan and Bluebird and All,

How sorry I am that we are living this horrible dream called life!

I know exactly what you mean Tildyc by saying you'll never be OK. Neither will I. Time can pass, years can pass, but this pain will not stop. I will never stop missing Joseph and wishing that I were with him. Everyday, several times a day, I have to talk to myself reminding myself why I can't "just check out," why I can't end this all. The day I breathe my last, I'll be so happy! I just want to be with Joseph!

Comment by Tildyc on November 15, 2016 at 9:58pm

I'll never be OK. It will never get better. Another fucking holiday season coming. I miss you so much babe. I cannot stop this pain. Where did you go???????

Comment by morgan on November 15, 2016 at 12:23pm

To the newest people who have just joined our very sad community of spirits I just want to say you have found a place where you will not feel alone.  This site has been a lifeline for me for many years. Our grief needs to be shared and here we are safe. My heart feels your pain as you do mine. May each of you find some peace.

Comment by Michael on November 15, 2016 at 9:40am

I have 2 homes in 2 cities far from each other. One was in Georgia where my wife lived all the time. The other in mass. i would go to on my own (she did live there 10 years ago with me) once a month. When she died, i left the georgia house and never went back. Have to go through probate etc to sell it. I cant live there again.

Comment by Irwin on November 13, 2016 at 9:30pm

For those that went through watching your love one being destroyed by Cancer, a good book is "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi

Comment by S.a.m. on November 13, 2016 at 7:32pm

Morgan--

It has been two years now for me, and I want you to know that you are not alone in your suffering. The thought of living the rest of my life without my first and only love is so painful that I don't think about the future...at least not for longer than week or so. Eventually I may be able to think longer term than that...but I don't care if I ever can. I did very little for a long  time...and let myself just cry, sob, sit outside for hours, walk for as long as I could walk, and just talk to my husband. I talked to him a lot. I still talk to him every day. Talking to him helps, but the pain of losing my husband will never be gone...It will be with me for the rest of my life. I have no reasons or a way to make sense of such overwhelming loss and pain.

In many ways I am a ghost...a revenant....but I tell my husband that all of the pain I am experiencing now--which is pain that I didn't even know was possible before--is worth having had him in my life...and that if I had to choose..I would experience it all over again in a heartbeat to be with him. I wouldn't trade my time with him for the world.

In many ways--and many days--I do not want to be alive, but I am trying to find ways to make my life an honor to his memory.  I'm so sorry you are suffering, but sometimes it helps just to know that you are not the only one feeling so horrible.  You are not alone.

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 13, 2016 at 7:12am

Hi Morgan,

Your last post really hit home with me. I didn't think there was another person out there that had the same feeling I have, Gob Bless you for Sharing.  

Comment by Mary on November 13, 2016 at 2:30am

Oh Morgan , Trina and others
I wish I had something to offer you to help you, to take the pain away but unfortunately I do not. Just know that I understand your pain, understand the huge void our spouse has made in our lives, in our very being. My life too ended when my wonderful Neil passed almost 7 months ago. It doesn't feel better. I function as I do it for my kids. But I am empty, broken and wishing that my years are not long. My husband and I were one. No one understands that our love for each other was our life. There is no "getting better" or "moving on" just barely breathing, yearning and overall despair of the loss of our life - not just the loss of our husband but the loss of our life as we knew it. I don't want "a new normal". Sending each of you a hug and care.

Comment by morgan on November 12, 2016 at 10:45pm

I've been struggling along for three years and nine months.  I really don't have any strength left to keep enduring the pain of losing my husband.  I seem to get up and get through days, some less painful, some debilitating (like today) but to think I am going to have to continue this kind of life is beyond the pale.  

And it isn't for lack of keeping myself obsessively busy.  I provide myself with as much distraction as my body can withstand and then when I sit down and take stock of what the day has been I simply disintegrate.  I cant keep this up can I?  How does a body with a mind in such desperate pain still function?  Why is it not giving out?  

Am I desperate enough to do something?  I don't think I could but I wont rule it out and even though I think that time has passed I cold still see where if I am like this far out in the future my mind could change.  I know the phases of this grief have changed so nothing is written in stone.

 But the suffering has gotten so bad when I go into my hole. I thought it was horrendous at the beginning (and it was) but this is  getting to be unmanageable when the crying hits.  UN manageable because at that point there is no reality that matters.  Nothing.  I can even sit and reflect while I am in pain crying about what I've been doing to try to live and what I have been capable of doing and yet it doesn't make a difference.  It doesn't make the pain of wanting him beside me go away.  Or the wish that I want to join him no matter that I don't know what actually happens.  

And after this long, only my one sister and my good friend who suffers from emotional anxiety of the highest order can I still express my deepest disturbances of what losing my husband has done to me.  I've stopped trying to have others understand.  Time to them has passed and they simply cannot grasp how devastated I still could be.  I think they don't want to be seen as enabling my sorrow when I will never be any other way.  Unfortunately we have all been brainwashed to think that this is a fixable bump in the road.  What they don't realize is that I now live on an island in the middle of the ocean and there are no boats to get to me.

I want this to stop.  I've tried everything I can to make it stop.  I feel like I come to the end of my rope every day.  How can I go on like this.  I just dread the breakdowns and whether they are long or short the thoughts of him are just so strong.  What on "earth" is happening that some of us are suffering so?  Someone needs to give me a reason for such pain.  This is just wrong.  Something must be happening on a much bigger level in this universe because nothing should be this painful emotionally for this long.  I didn't do anything that bad in my life to have this happen to me.  This has to stop.  

Sorry to dump this on the thread but this is the only place I know where I can come and let it all out and know it will be understood in the frame of reference it was written.....each and every one of us thankfully have this place to come......thank you for listening to me tonight. 

P.S.  And to those who cant sleep......its just one more part and parcel the grief journey.  I sleep when I can.  Nothing normal or regular about it anymore and that too has changed over the years.  The one thing I try to do is not hit the caffeine or sugar too heavy.  I actually was drinking some new flavored spring water I found at Walmart this past week until I discovered it contained aspartame......threw me for a loop all week long.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 12, 2016 at 3:53am

Dear Elynn, Irwin, Libby, George, Bluebird, and All,

It's been been more than two years for me since the love of my life Joseph passed. I have accepted that he died, but with that acceptance I haven't "moved on." Like so many of you, I'll never move on, I'll never be okay that Joseph is gone. I don't want this life.

I just turned 56, so there's a good chance that I will live for another 25-30 years. The very thought terrifies me and fills me with anger and indignation at the unfairness of it all! Joseph was 49 and had so much going for him. But I have been condemned to live without him for another 25-30 years, a life that lacks purpose, lacks joy, lacks meaning. What kind of justice is this? I don't want to go on living without my soulmate. Period. Everyday I pray that I may be granted a shorter life, that I may be spared this existence that has no meaning for me. The days go by so painfully slowly, at a snail's pace...

I feel for you, my heart aches at all this sorrow and pain that we find on this forum. I send you all my prayers for finding some measure of peace.

Hugs, Trina

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 135
• 136
• 137
• 138
• 139
• …
• 339
• Next ›
• Page