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Comment by morgan on December 21, 2016 at 7:47pm

I have no more words left to express how my emotional state is.  I cannot move forward.  It is getting worse not better. I am reliving how intense our love was.  How attached I was.  How I never wanted to be here without him.  How will I live through another year of this without doing myself in.  

For everyone who has found a small piece of life and adjusted their emotional state to accept this as their way to live I applaud you.  You have done more than I am willing to do.  I am unwilling to accept.  Yes, I am unwilling.  Unwilling to accept what death means.  Instead I suffer daily occurrences of missing my husband so intensely that I am pushing myself further from adjusting or enduring and starting to sing a song of fatalism.  One wherein the options of what I consider bearable existence are narrowing.  

Intellectually I know better.  Mentally I am not sick.  Emotionally I am bereft.  And no slice of living life is doing enough to encourage me to try and push even harder to extinguish the pain. The pain just keeps surfacing no matter what I do and for me, it is all about feelings.  Feelings that come upon me from a well inside and predictably send me to oblivion.  I just don't believe I am making choices.  I think it is out of my hands.  My feelings have taken charge.  Just like how I didn't make a conscious choice to love my husband so much.  It was just there.   It was deep and beyond my control.  It was not a choice.  It was written in the stars.  

I can pretend to be as aware of this reality as anyone except that none of it is real. It is surreal. Otherworldly.  Nothing resembles what life is supposed to be.  It may all look familiar but there is nothing about this world that feels right.  Nothing is right.  And it cant be, my husband is dead.  

Comment by Pamela philipp on December 21, 2016 at 3:23pm

Michael I have no idea this is new to me too my son and his family are coming over for Christmas because my son doesn't want me to be alone so on with the fake smiles and acting like I'm happy i'm just going to do this for my grandchildren but honestly I just want to get this over with the closer it gets to Christmas the worse I feel

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 21, 2016 at 3:19pm

Hi Michael,

This is my fourth Christmas without my wonderful Husband, I am going to where my Husband and I spent our last Christmas together, my little shih tzu Babie is coming with me. it was in Hallendale Florida. 

Comment by Michael on December 21, 2016 at 2:27pm

Any ideas on how to get through Christmas alone? My only options involve lots of travel which I'm not ready for.

Comment by Pamela philipp on December 21, 2016 at 10:54am

I know what you mean since my mom and husband passed away my family and so-called friends have not contacted me at all in over a year I feel like I have a plague no one wants to talk to me they don't care how I feel they just want me to get over it they don't have any understanding of how I feel and I'm sure the people who have not talk to you do not understand what you're going through they won't until they go through it their self this website is a good place to talk about how you feel without feeling bad about it we are here for you take care

Comment by pamela winmill on December 21, 2016 at 2:02am

I just want to sleep and not wake up it gets worse everyday 263  days treated like a leper by so called friends and like an idiot by some of my children and their wives, now at a point where i really dont care anymore 

Comment by stewart p on December 21, 2016 at 12:59am

Reading through the last several posts including yours Michael so many sound all too familiar.   Hating life, having trouble getting out of bed,  the constant feelings of fear, sadness, depression, anxiety.  For the first two years following my wife’s sudden death after being ill for nearly 8 years I have to admit I spent more time in bed than out of bed, watched nearly every tv series not once but some as many as 3 or 4 times over (Netflix) and played hundreds of hours of solitaire on my pc, just anything to distract myself and numb out.  Occasionally I did try getting out to do something, take a walk, get a dog, ride my bike, only to go back home and fall back to my former routine of remaining home with the windows blinds closed and thinking about better times gone by.  But after a couple of years of that I could only stand so many reruns and I had been told and knew the value of getting out, so I would always keep trying.  Most of the time this meant I had to make myself do it, when most of time it was easier to want to not, but I did keep trying and though not always consistent I kept trying.  Now its been nearly 4 years and I have a few things I do on much more regular basis.  I go for long trip outdoors, bike or hike, volunteer a little at homeless shelter and get involved a little with others less fortunate.  There is a magical formula when we reach out to others less fortunate than us that begins a healing process in ourselves.  For someone it might be delivering hot meals to homebound seniors, or visiting patients in a cancer ward, picking up garbage at the park on Saturdays, stocking shelves at the food bank, whatever.   For each person its different, I spent soooo much time thinking about what I should do or try until finally I just started getting out and trying things and after a while I started finding things that sort of clicked for me.  This goes for hobbies and interests as well, took up fishing, got a dog who hikes with me now, but for each person it different.  What I do know is it helped me immensely to get involved and begin investing into the lives of others that took me out of myself.  Yes when  the day is over and I return home I’m still alone and miss my wife, sometimes more than other times, but as Ive mentioned before the feelings I feel today Ive simply come to accept them as a part of who I am today.  The old saying it gets better with time, I think we just get use to it more as time passes, just as I would if I found myself suddenly disabled or something, you just begin to adjust with time but the feelings don’t go away, maybe lessen or I’m just use to it more, however you want to call it but I’m learning to live with it and begin doing something in spite of it.  I’ve heard it said feelings are just that, they are only feelings, they don’t have to control and dictate how I choose to live.  I realize for some this may sound a little callous, and Im also not talking about finding things just to keep busy.  What I have found for myself at least is there is nothing I can do to change anything that has happened, I don’t want to keep living alone with my sadness, and so I had to force myself to start doing something and until I found what worked I decided to just begin trying things until I found what did work, and after a year or so no I will say that it is helping.  The feeling didn’t go away, they just change and sometimes if they really are intense one day I feel ok to give myself a break and stay home and do whatever, but its never more than 1 or 2 days in a row anymore, I wont allow myself that anymore out of falling too far back into that hole

Comment by stewart p on December 21, 2016 at 12:58am

.  Someone told me once and I thought it was a great idea, they allocated a certain time each day to allow themselves to think about their spouse, get pictures out or whatever they had to at the time, but it was a measured amount of time they budgeted for themselves and outside that time they went on with their lives.  Losing a loved one is a traumatic experience and if we’re not careful our feelings can completely hijack our lives completely, which happened to me the first 2 years, and that’s ok, but its not way to spend the rest of my life.  I came to understand that early on when I attended and highly encourage anyone else to do attend a biweekly bereavement group for the first year, it helped a lot to know and hear that my feelings whatever they were at the time were ok. I too also went to counseling for a while but didn’t find that as helpful.  I think if I had found a counselor who had actually lost their spouse it might have been worth the time, but the group meetings were a life safer, especially around that first Christmas season which is where we are here again today.  That first year and even the 2^nd I was devastated, and now this 4^th, while not anything special isn’t the end of the world for me either as it once seemed.  I hope others might find some encouragement from this and if nothing else just try things, try something, anything, one step at a time and if you fall and have to start over, be kind to yourself and know that what your feeling at the moment is ok, and in time you will figure it out more even though right now at the moment if hurts like hell.  Losing my wife and those first couple of years I unfortunately came to understand what people meant when they called their pain “bone crushing”. 

Comment by Shirley on December 20, 2016 at 8:47pm

Sorry I have not posted in awhile, but have been trying to take care of my older sister as she has several serious health issues.,, Lost my  first husband when he was 38 and  Lung Cancer took  his  life.   Had small kids to raise and with the help of GOD I did get them all grown.  Remarried many years later,  no kids here and lost him to five cancer areas in his body.  This was in 2014.  Has been almost three years and with the help of GOD I have learned to move forward with the knowledge that I believe all  of my family and loved  ones are "Resting High On That Mountain" in the presence of Jesus  Christ.. My Dad taught his children  (9) of us, that we are born  of GOD and we all have a LIFE CIRCLE.....We all are given a time limit, by our GOD, to be on this Earth and then we have to leave here and return back to HIM....We all will reunite some glad  day and never be apart again.... This teaching has let me understand the concept of life and what life it is all about.  Now this is my opinion and I do not expect or want anyone else to agree or argue with me regarding what I believe. So after losing  my parents, grandparents, family members. in laws, siblings,  friends and neighbors I have been given STRENGTH, COURAGE, COMFORT, PEACE and LOVE by my HEAVENLY FATHER, and am patiently waiting for my time to join each of them .  So take life as it is dealt to us and always remember we do have a CREATOR who is still in control of our life and everything and we must accept HIS PLAN.  Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a  Happy 2017. Stay safe and try o keep a smile for everyone you meet.    Shirley

Comment by bluebird on December 12, 2016 at 9:49pm

I have a prescription for Xanax, and I take it when I have a panic attack, but that has hardly ever happened since my husband died -- I think because his dying is the worst thing that could ever happen to me, and it's already happened, so while there are other horrible things that could also happen, his death is the worst, so other things don't really cause panic the way they used to.

I can't sleep at night unless I take something in order to do so. Most nights I just take two Benadryl, and that's enough to allow me to get about 5 hours of sleep on most nights, more or less. On the really bad nights I take a Lunesta (sleeping pill), and that does a better job of really knocking me out.

I drink something now and then, but it's rare, as I just don't like the taste of most alcohol. 

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