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Comment by John T. on January 25, 2017 at 5:55pm

Stewart, I'm relieved to read you stayed home nearly all the time due to anxiety for 2 years.  I thought I had really lost my mind.  I only did what I absolutely had to and swear I felt like I'd forgotten how to drive, buy something in a store, or talk to people.  It was the weirdest time of my life and it only began to get better in the last six months.  My family acted like I was from another planet and I was too embarrassed to talk about it.  I've lived here for over two years now and I'm only starting to venture out and explore this area.  

Comment by stewart p on January 25, 2017 at 5:39pm

I got a new dog a couple years back and went for another walk in a park where my wife and I werent able to go hike at because of her health problems before she died.  It was actually fun and I dont remember thinking even second about her, just playing with the dog and enjoying the scenery. Just now when I got back I read some of the recent posts, so what Im starting to think that has and might help me more to the extent possible, is avoid places her and I use go to together, begin shopping at a different grocery store, instead of going to home depot try Loews or a different depot, put her backpack and keys away not leaving her things out to look as daily reminders, and as Bluebird suggested try do some things with people who might be as friends.  It still is heart breaking if I spend time thinking about her, and yes I know that "anxious" feeling, kept me at home nearly all the time the first 2 years.  I realize all these best efforts wont change the one underlying fact we all would rather not have to face, and thinking about that right now just makes me all the much more sadder, but on the other hand something has to begin to change, anything just something because leaving in isolation as a zombie is not working out very well for me.  It was ok the first few years but the other consequences of living like that are beginning to appear on my horizon and Im afraid things will even be worst if they could be any worst.

Comment by Jon-Paul Ackerman on January 25, 2017 at 5:10pm

I know it is a difficult time. Major shifts. Embrace pain and change as it is vital to growth.
Do not let the world crush you. Look inward.
Remember... You have lost nothing. Everything and everyOne is within.
Love.

Comment by Lost on January 25, 2017 at 5:07pm

It does not hurt less just less often

It does not hurt less
but the time between grows more wider
It hits me when I come home
The house is dark

I see your car is in the driveway
I imagine you come out the front door to greet me
My hopes are dashed when the door stays shut

Your backpack, keys and jacket wait for you each morning
Your backpack, keys and jacket wait for me when I come home

I can only sleep on my side of the bed
but sometimes I hug your pillow

I can't hear your voice anymore
But I can still hear your laugh
A laugh that made everyone smile

I still say I love you every day
and wait for you to say I love you too

I does not hurt less just less often

Lost

Comment by Maxey on January 25, 2017 at 4:46pm

I agree that this is very similar to a prison sentence; we can only hope and pray that we get a reprieve or a pardon so that we do not have to serve this sentence. I truly fear the thought of having to spend many years here on this earth feeling this way.
I look forward to being "free" and going to join my husband whenever or whatever that might look like. I have his ashes beside my bed,and I tell him that if there is "nothingness" out there, then we will be mixed together and sent out into the universe together. If heaven awaits, then paradise will "live again" for us. I so hope for the latter!!

Comment by Maxey on January 25, 2017 at 4:37pm

I find that when I go shopping and I spot a couple in the aisle, I am so envious. I remember that my husband and I would shop, and then go out for a bite to eat. Once a week we had our "big day out" and spent the whole afternoon together. We would ride in the car and sing silly songs from shows and just be so content and happy. Lord, I miss those days so much that I can actually feel the ache in my chest. I have to shake myself to stop thinking about it or I will cry. So now when I shop, I avoid the couples since I cannot cope with their happiness and my sadness.
So you are not alone, so many triggers are there for me; it seems like they taunt us and make us miss our "old" lives even more.

Comment by Mary on January 25, 2017 at 3:14am

Hi Lisa. I also have panic attacks going into stores and certain places that my husband and I would go to. The grocery store is the hardest and Home Depot. I actually only go out when necessary. I've lived in my hometown all my life yet all seems different. Everything is different. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can hardly breathe. Someone told me when that happens, just breathe. It seems to help maybe because you are concentrating on breathing and not so much the heartache you feel or the ache in your body. I miss my sweet husband so very much. I yearn for him. He is the love of my life. Gone so young.

Comment by Lisa Carlson on January 24, 2017 at 10:53pm

Does anyone suffer from panick attacks while shopping in store we used to visit together? It is happening more frequently. I am terrified to go into Albertsons now.

Comment by stewart p on January 23, 2017 at 8:11pm

Bluebird, I agree and maybe Ill have to try the friend route more again, its just regardless of whether its with friends, a date a job, a coworker, relatives i find myself generally choosing to stay at home alone, even over the holidays.  I cant explain it other than that's what Ive been doing, but I will keep trying and try it again, see if  i go out with some friends sailing or something if perhaps maybe one of these days it doesn't finally kick start me or something.  Good reminder though, thanks

Comment by bluebird on January 23, 2017 at 6:14pm

stewart,

Do you think it might be helpful to you to just try to make some friends, rather than trying to date? There would be much less pressure involved.

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