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Comment by Robin Quinn on January 26, 2017 at 7:07am

Yesterday was the day I laid my soulmate to rest, the last time I touched his face, kissed his lips and said "see you on the other side".  Slowly I'm able to let memories come, sometimes the tears fall, other times I'm able to laugh about the things he used to do, he could make me laugh like no other.  I still have a hard time believing this is it, that he will no longer be here.  Learning to live without him is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Comment by stewart p on January 25, 2017 at 11:15pm

John, yeah 2 years and another nearly 2 years ive barely gotten out not anymore from the anxiety but the apathy.   It was always a struggle and had to make myself do it, now the last 2 years its easier but I dont like it, on the other hand im starting to think about all that time ive lost doing practically nothing, going nowhere.  Hope it keeps getting better for you.

Comment by morgan on January 25, 2017 at 10:53pm

I want to apologize for my last couple of posts.  From Thanksgiving on is full off marker days for me and I have yet to have a "season" where I don't skid into the ditch.  And I have been on the skids.  And when I get into a bad funk I know of no other place than here where I can go and unload.  I just want to have a more normal rhythm of life.  

To add to it I had a call with my sister-in-law on Sunday and long story short, she said I am melodramatic and need to tell everyone about my husband and she knows I am emotional and always have been but people just don't understand it.  Well, surprise, surprise.  

In other words I should just shut up about my grief and be happy.

All that advice did was make me more determined to remove myself from society, even more than I already have, because no one is ever going to understand what this feels like unless they have had to experience it.  Which is why I come here.

Yesterday and today since the marker days are now over for awhile I have been valiantly trying to pull myself out of the hole and get my act together so I measure up to everyones happiness meter.  Yesterday I did some shopping and today I did some painting. I have had a modicum of success and will take what I can get.

I really don't know what people expect of me anymore and because I believe they expect me to be the old me, I hate them and want nothing to do with them.  That girl is gone, forever.  My small list of people who will deal with me is getting even smaller after this weekend.  i have now pretty much determined I am crossing the sister in law off the list of people I trust to talk to. 

I see where I am headed with the attitude I have about all of this and I will see how long I will try to accomplish what I feel I need to but I am pretty fed up with life and people and the accompanying crap.  It just takes too much out of me to pretend.

My life with my husband had so much meaning. We didn't have just a marriage, we were lovers.  For those whose life has never gone that deep I have nothing to talk about with them.  I miss that total embrace of loving, living and sharing in the smallest and largest details of reality.  Now its just shallow.  I realize I am not making any more memories.  I have no anchor.  

At least for the last two days I haven't cried so I can be thankful for that.  I am not always in the hole even though here it probably sounds like I am its just I normally don't write unless I am hurting badly.  I do know I function better than those early years.  I really feel for those who are still in the first couple years of this.  I wish for all of us to find at least a little space in our heads where we aren't being tortured by our history.  But then would any of us traded what we had even knowing how hard it would be?  I wouldn't.  Not now, not ever.  I'm pretty sure none of you would either.  

Thank you everyone......thank you for putting up with me.  You are really special people.....

morgan

Comment by bluebird on January 25, 2017 at 9:16pm

Exactly, John.  

Comment by John T. on January 25, 2017 at 9:16pm

Bluebird, I think I know what you mean.  I get exhausted trying to chit chat.  It just seems superficial and pointless.  I figured out right away that my family would rather I didn't bring up what's really going on with me so I just shut up.  But I have a hard time just talking about nothing.

Comment by bluebird on January 25, 2017 at 9:12pm

Michael,

My sister and her husband are wonderful. Honestly, the time I spend over there with them is the only time I feel even the tiniest bit better or closer to real life. They are really the only people I can stand to spend any time with -- I love my parents, but they drive me nuts, plus when I'm with them they want to talk, which I get, but I don't want to talk about anything other than my husband and how much I love and miss him and how much I want to die. They don't try to stop me from talking about any of that, but I know it hurts them and so I don't want to do it, but I can't really be bothered to talk about anything else. And I really don't have any friends, which is fine with me.

Comment by Michael on January 25, 2017 at 7:55pm

I've been trying to go through the grief not "around" it as recommended. It sucks. Tonight i had 2 wines at dinner; im feeling almost human. A couple xanax and some pot and i'll be all set for the night.

Comment by Michael on January 25, 2017 at 7:27pm

You are lucky to have company 4 days a week.

Comment by bluebird on January 25, 2017 at 7:20pm

I stay home as much as I possibly can. I work 4 days a week because I have no choice financially. I go to the grocery store and post office and so forth when I have to.  I do have dinner at my sister's house the same four nights a week that I work; we watch shows on dvd or Netflix that my husband would not have wanted to watch anyway, so it's not as hard to watch them as it would be to watch shows he and I enjoyed together (which I cannot do). That's all I can manage.

Comment by Michael on January 25, 2017 at 6:22pm

Ive been at homenearly all the time since Roxanne died. I went to a friends house sunday to watch football. And i went to a concert a few weeks ago. Otherwise, just tge grocry store and local bar for dinner. Everyone thinks im nuts.

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