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Comment by morgan on March 1, 2017 at 9:50pm

Thanks Linda,  I keep thinking back on that last photo of the two of you on the beach, you cradled in his body.  My husband and I were like that in all our photos.  Always touching.  Today has been a relatively better day but compared to where I was last night I think I couldn't have cried even if I had wanted to I was so demolished from the breakdown.  I had to get to four years Linda before I really honestly said to myself that this is all just so futile. Up until then (which was just recent) I think I have thought that somehow, some way I would be able to figure out a better way to live.  Even going for more hours at a time for which I am grateful I just don't think I can stand too many more of these crushing meltdowns.   Last nights was a really bad one.  Tonight I am going to take Ibuprofen pm like I did last night and try to get some sleep.  And not listen to any music.  Its like I cant even live life anyhow.  I mean if music and stores and people and everything else is going to have me flying out of control why live?  YEs, the sooner the better.  I guess I'll just have to see how long I can take it.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 1, 2017 at 7:15am

Hi Morgan,

I know just how you feel, I don't know how much longer I can take it living without my Husband, May 5 will be four years. Thank God or therapist and the meds I take, or I would have ended my own life so I could join him. That's all I look forward is to leave this world and be with him. everyday is pure hell 

Comment by morgan on March 1, 2017 at 12:27am

Sorry for the double post......I wanted to continue to write but I just had a horrible breakdown.....I cant do this anymore.  I simply am incapable of continuing to allow the less frequent but most horrible reality checks of what life was and what life is to continue.  The longer I am kept alive the more sure I am that I am not going to make it.  I just cannot stand these breakdowns anymore.  They are so destructive in mind, body and soul.  All I want is is arms around me again.  That's all I want.  And if I cant have it then I cannot promise I will continue to just mark time.  Without his soulful essence wrapping me in his love I just don't think I can make it. 

Comment by morgan on March 1, 2017 at 12:22am

I was just sitting here minding my business watching some stupid show on TV and they showed Rihanna starting to sing the song"Diamonds".  I have no idea how this is possible but I am fighting back the tears.  How is it possible that I am fine one second and the next I am ready to dive head first into my hole?

I will not take this kind of treatment the my brain seems to want to dish out to me forever.  I have done it for four years plus and I am tired.  Exhausted. Spent. And  ............

Comment by morgan on March 1, 2017 at 12:22am

I was just sitting here minding my business watching some stupid show on TV and they showed Rihanna starting to sing the song"Diamonds".  I have no idea how this is possible but I am fighting back the tears.  How is it possible that I am fine one second and the next I am ready to dive head first into my hole?

I will not take this kind of treatment the my brain seems to want to dish out to me forever.  I have done it for four years plus and I am tired.  Exhausted. Spent. And  ............

Comment by Elynn m on February 28, 2017 at 12:13am

I just found an article on BillyGrahan.irg.   there is section on his site that talks about what happens after death if anyone is interested.   I like the way he explains life after death

Comment by John T. on February 23, 2017 at 9:00pm

Mel and Michael,

While I'm glad I'm not alone in this experience, I sincerely wish we didn't share such memories.  Thanks.

Comment by Mel Royer on February 23, 2017 at 9:47am

John....I also recall the moment when my wife passed as any sign of life disappeared from her eyes. I remember being numb and trying to close her eyes, they were half open...I remember thinking that wasn't right..her eyes should be fully closed and I kept trying to shut them but they wouldn't close. Her eyes stared at nothing and somewhere inside I knew I had lost her but would not believe it. I see those eyes every day and am still haunted by the vision but still know she passed painlessly and for that I am comforted.

Comment by Michael on February 23, 2017 at 8:53am

John,
I have a similar memory that keeps replaying in my mind. Every day, many times a day. I think we have PTSD.

Comment by John T. on February 21, 2017 at 12:21pm

Yesterday was awful.  I have no idea why but I kept having memories of my wife's last moments as I knelt beside her on the sidewalk and tried to perform CPR.  The image of the light fading from her eyes is overwhelming.  Thank God it was peaceful and she was not in pain.  There was no sign of suffering, which is such a profound blessing to me.  However, I've thought of that moment for over two years now, every single day, and can talk to no one about it.  It's a strangely comforting image as well as gut wrenching at the same time.  I don't even know why I'm writing this but there is nowhere else to say what's in my heart and memory.

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