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Comment by morgan on April 7, 2017 at 9:30pm

I have been reading every day but not writing much.  I am so saddened by how characteristically we are all carrying this burden we have been handed.  We are still trying so hard to but will never live again.  We just participate.  We get up in the mornings and detest seeing the light but know we have to find the strength to get through another day.    I've had so many nuclear meltdowns of weeping, publicly and privately I am totally exhausted.  I have so many hours where I all I can do is remember how my life was and how much I hate having to participate in life now.  I really hate it.  I want nothing to do with pretending that I am not broken.  I am broken.  People who cannot understand it think this is melodrama.   Are cancer patients melodramatic?  Just because I don't show signs outside does that mean I am not sick? Boy, when I heard that word I was ready to scream.  Instead I have now exorcised that person out of my small little room.  The room where I have allowed only a few people who are willing to accept me as I am.  I call it my room.  Its not real, its just the people I'll allow in my head.......Only one is always there, two more are mostly there and one  is sometimes.  It has dwindled over the years.  There are many people who you think are going to reach out and then they don't.  I've just thrown them to the wind.

I am so alone.  I get through more hours at a time but the feeling of wanting to end this ridiculous facade of existing is getting stronger.  Like all the rest of you no matter what I have done, some of which would be enviable to others, I find it futile.  I want none of it.  I have built a "new life" over the past four years in the respect that I can actually get out of a bed and drive to a supermarket and go grocery shopping and most of the time not cry.  But the act of participating in this puppet show has no end goal, no joy at all and I find that about the only place I can remain somewhat sane is when I stay in the house and I don't contact anyone, don't watch tv or listen to music or talk on the phone.  Even then I find all the silence does is make my heart heavier.

No, this is not going to last.  I am really dedicating my efforts now  to straightening out what I need to.  I don't know if I will have the courage when I finish what my intention is but right now I know I am extremely tired.  I can just hope my heart will give out just in time.  Hoping against hope he will be there to take me into his arms again for eternity.  That is the time I will feel alive again.  the rest of this is just as one of you said.......torture.

Comment by John T. on April 7, 2017 at 5:54pm

Jerry, I find some comfort knowing that my wife will never have to go through this incredible pain and bottomless sense of loss.  I would hate to leave her alone and as devastated as I've been for so long.

Comment by John T. on April 7, 2017 at 5:11pm

Jerry, the thing that's impossible for me to accept is my wife was beside me, alive and happy, and in a moment she was gone.  That's just beyond comprehension even now, over two years later.  How can she be gone?  The helplessness and aloneness and deepness of that pain can't be described.

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 7, 2017 at 2:37pm

Hi Jerry,

Know how you feel, why does God take good people from the earth.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 16, 2017 at 7:19am

Morgan,

Your post tells my story. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder how much longer I can take his loss. We were everything to one another, the dad he died I went fight along with him.

go out.

Comment by morgan on March 15, 2017 at 10:56pm

Part 2 ---I realize I am sending this message along at the very last moment of a marker day that for only two years hence is still a gigantic day for you.  I can only wish you found a way to get through it with the minimum amount of pain that we all know is bound to bring to the forefront all those feelings of loss.  To be honest I cannot understand why the universe felt it was so necessary to have you lose Joseph at the age of 52.  I cannot understand any of this anymore.  I am so ready to turn the page so I can see the next chapter.  I don’t want to have to question my sanity anymore.  I don’t want to endure the pain anymore.  I don’t want to live without my husband anymore.  I guess we’ll see how long I can last, because now it’s just a test of endurance.

Take care and be as well as you can. And use that energy as judiciously as you can.  Sending stardust……morgan

 

 

Comment by morgan on March 15, 2017 at 10:56pm

Part 1---Oh Trina, I've thought about you so many times and gotten close to a message and then something would intervene.  Reading about your changes and how you have endured the adjustments by admitting the utter unbelievability of how fragile and tenuous any kind of "reconstruction" is given the loss of our beloved spouses, reflects all the same feelings I have.  

Your comment about feeling like a displaced person really strikes a chord.  I've been doing so much to try and reconstruct the shambles of my life after my husband died.  Just today as I stood staring out at the ocean in another place where I had memories but now all I have is me, yes, I felt displaced.  I feel like I have been living in a surreal universe since day one.  Nothing seems real even though everything looks familiar.  I go into a grocery store and it could just as easily be in any town for the lack of connection I have to anything and any place.  People's faces look the same and I have no relationship to any of it.  I could just as easily be living on Mars, it’s just that it looks like earth.

Last night on my flight I wrote something l didn't want to forget in the exact order that it came to me.  It was this: " I refuse to accept the fact I am supposed to try and continue to live this life without my husband."  It seems no matter what I've done, or told myself all along the way this is the constant.  I have learned better how to repress my crying and feelings around the people who I know are not going to get this fact.  So I pull my mask tighter at times in order to survive the assaults on my psyche from others. Part of that arsenal of protection is pulling away from people in general so I don't have to explain.  But I’m tired of having to explain why I am still in the shape I am.  And by now most people think I should be over it and they only want me around as long as I am not in a funk. 

The other part I am asking myself in a more real way is “why do I keep trying?”  Because that is all I have been doing, trying.  But nothing works to change the situation so I can accept it any easier.  My husband is dead.  There is no changing that.  So, why keep trying?

This afternoon I sat alone once again at a place where memories where raw even though I haven’t been here for awhile and there were songs on the radio that brought me to tears.  Then I took a walk and once again it would have been a walk we would have done together.  There I was walking alone.  And the tears came once again. Why should I keep trying?

 I guess I keep thinking that if I keep trying something is going to change but I am coming more and more around to understanding the one thing that I need to change will not.  So I am destined to have to live like this because there is no bringing him back.  I am tying up some loose things to get my affairs in order and I think I am going to give it to the end of this year to see how I feel.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 15, 2017 at 3:01pm

Trina,

Beautiful Pictures. Yesterday would have our 36th Anniversary. 

Comment by Mary on March 15, 2017 at 2:40pm

Beautiful photos Trina. Hugs to you ❤

Comment by Fran on March 15, 2017 at 12:07pm

Trina, like you I've been on this site for over 2 years. I've cried with the raw honesty and emotion I've read here. That you found the strength to move gives me hope and also shows me how much of a wuss I've been. It took me over a year just to redo our bedroom...I can't imagine moving away from our home for over 25 years. Bless your courage! I hope you find new friends and support system to ease your path.

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