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Comment by morgan on April 12, 2017 at 10:33pm

Oh dear, John T.....having to confront circumstances that bring us turmoil inside, I have found they send me into the deep end where I have forgotten how to swim.  What's with our brain now??  It's like it just cannot rewire to assume the same notion of being in the present functioning like it used to.  I go to that brain dead place all the time.  At 65 I think part of it is regular aging but I am also cognizant enough to understand that much of this comes from the stress of the grief.  Lately I can remember the first letter of a name or place or a word but for the life of me I struggle to get the whole word at times.  So I think your brain is simply revisiting a not so good place that relates to sickness which if taken to its end result reminds us of our trauma.  After four years of this I am realizing that as others have said here, you just learn to live with it in the best way we can but we don't get over it.

I had a night during January when my sister and brother in law weren't answering their phones and they were supposed to be at my nieces for dinner.  They were already an hour late.  Snow was heavy.  I was in extreme panic mode calling sheriffs, troopers, hospitals etc.  Turned out they had gone to a movie and turned their phones off.  Now I realize how I am so affected by this kind of possibility.

Take a deep breath and keep us apprised.  Hopefully your sister will get the right treatment and will be back in your world all better.  We sure are fragile.......I know I am.  

morgan

Comment by John T. on April 12, 2017 at 10:13pm

Another holiday coming up and my sister had to go to the emergency room with an infection.  When I went to the information desk, I asked for my wife's room number and then couldn't think of my sister's name.  I feel like the wind has been knocked out me.

Comment by Mary on April 11, 2017 at 9:24am

My thoughts and prayers to you Jackie. I understand what you are saying. It's hard to live each day without that important person sharing our day with us. I understand the fear too of forgetting, that's the worst. Life is with my husband, I can't bear the thought of doing life without him. These days coming up just don't mean anything to me. It will be a year April 26 and I have just "floated" through. I too feel like why am I here. I'm ready to go.

Comment by Jackie cooke on April 11, 2017 at 7:14am

It's just over 4 weeks since my life came to an end and I really can't stand the thought of carrying on. Im so scared of people,forgetting and can't beat the thought of people living and not knowing. Im scared of everything. There's no help, I went to dr and he was horrible I said I wanted to talk to someone and he printed me off a link for a self help leaflet and said co e back in 2 weeks if no better. I to have no money, will have to sell my house, but so what , what's the worst that can happen, nothing as for me the worst has happend already

Comment by Crystal on April 11, 2017 at 6:39am

I am just a few weeks into this hell they call geief. But the last few days, I have found myself emotionally numb. Like.... I'm in denial. I know he's gone, I don't get to take care of him around the clock anymore, but it's like, I'm at peace with the status quo. Now, this is most likely the anti depressants, ambien and valium talking, but, in my head, I can clearly hear ben saying "now, don't be silly, I'm fine, I'll see yiu later" which was a phrase he said alot. Because I was the worrier of the family. I worried so much about him all the time . I now, I'm probably in the phase of grief of denial. I highly doubt it's acceptance, but he'd been sickso long, and so unlike himself, it was like I got a head start on the mourning process. He knew he was going to die, he wanted to go see jesus, and was so ready for the pain and suffering to be over. Maybe I'm just glad of his prayers being answered. I'm lonely. Mostly at night. But he would be so mad if I moped around the house . He would be calling me a "silly woman" so I use that when I find myself getting down.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 11, 2017 at 3:05am

Dear morgan, Jerry, and All,

How incredibly difficult our life is with our beloved spouse gone. Only those of us who have actually experienced this loss first-hand know the enormity of the grief that we bear on a daily basis. Like you guys, my family and friends are unaware of the daily struggle I face. They have no idea that for me a successful, productive day is when I have cooked myself a real meal or done a load of laundry. That such days are "good days" for me because I have been productive and have gotten some small thing done instead of staying in bed most of the day. So how can the likes of us explain to people who haven't lost the love of their life how it feels? There is really no way, so I don't try much anymore.

Surprisingly, or perhaps not surprisingly, like John T's and M Adams' spouses, my husband Joseph is still remembered by his students. He was a professor of Philosophy and had received awards for excellence in teaching more than once. Every once in a while, on his Facebook page there is a post from one of his students, telling him that they miss him, or they have a question for him, or want to share some success story or a sad story. When I see these posts, I feel deeply touched and comforted, knowing that Joseph touched many lives and has left a mark on many who still remember him.

Yes, it's true that a lot has to do with the profession; some professions, like teaching, counseling, and nursing, to name a few, are professions where people get a chance to make a long-lasting impression on others. These are service professions and hence the service provided is valued and the person who provided the service is fondly remembered. Very comforting.

Like morgan, I don't know how long I can go on living this sorry existence that I am forced to live. I cannot take my own life for a number of reasons, so I am compelled to go on living this pointless life. I, too, would gladly exchange my life with someone else who is facing imminent death and wants to live longer, but I don't think it works this way... It's all so relentless and unforgiving...

Comment by morgan on April 10, 2017 at 9:14pm

Jerry, During the first couple years I was reaching out all the time for support.  Anywhere where I could find someone who would be able to relate to the excrutiating pain that kept me on my knees.  I constantly was on here and other sites trying to find answers for why this was so horrible.

I have moved now past the four year mark.  I hated life before.  I wanted nothing to do with it but I kept going.  Now I have a an even more solidified hatred of it all.  I can function better which makes it all the more possible to execute more planning to put my affairs in order so that if I decide I will not live I will not do it under duress.  I find nothing that gives me hope or happiness and every time I have to talk to someone I don't know and the questions start coming as to why I am where I am I run the other way.  

I cant live with that kind of burden.  I don't want to be here.  I am doing this only because I do not have the courage as of yet (and I don't know if I will) to end it.  I am hoping against hope though that because of the stress of enduring this grief at the level at which we all endure it it is lessening my ability to withstand it.  I am doing what I can to promote a compromised immune system and though I don't pray I am definitely asking the universe to take me and give someone else my place.  I welcome my end.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 10, 2017 at 7:21am

John T,

A great post, I have the same thing happen to me, my family never talks to me about my Husband. It is like he does not exist. But he is always in my heart and thoughts. 

Comment by John T. on April 9, 2017 at 4:47pm

Thank you so much, M Adams.  I hadn't thought of that and thank you for remembering her profession and thinking of how much she touched the lives of others.  Honestly, that's a blessing to me.  I don't think I would have survived without this group.  God bless you all.

Comment by M Adams on April 9, 2017 at 3:42pm

John, I'm sure that Diane is not forgotten, especially because her vocation as a child/family therapist will have allowed her unique abilities to touch many lives and help a wide range of people, young and old. That is a legacy, even if it is a silent one. (My husband was a prof and a writer, so similarly I do think that some of his students and readers will remember him, and sometimes that thought is consoling.)

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