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Comment by Louise on May 22, 2017 at 6:55am

Everyday for the past 8 months I wake up hating this new so-called life, I feel myself becoming bitter, I'm trying not to but it's so hard. I just want to see him again, to know for sure he still exists. Everyone around me carries on as normal, like nothing happened and I hate them for it because I feel like my life has fallen apart. Then I think I am a horrible person for feeling like that but I find myself caring less and less and withdrawing from others. I've been working around my house doing improvements for the past few weeks, until I'm absolutely exhausted at night, trying to keep myself busy but also because I know it would be something that would make my husband happy and it helps a bit. But every morning I wake and I cry myself silly for a few hours and then feel exhausted from that. I'm so tired of this, I just want to be with my husband.

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 22, 2017 at 6:36am

Morgan & John,

Couldn't agree with you more, leaving tomorrow to visit family. I have to put my mask on and pretend everything is ok, my one sister does not agree with me having a few beers everyday to keep from going crazy, Inside I am drying a slow death, which can't come soon enough. I been through all the methods you have to cope and they do nothing for me. Until I can see my Husband again, life is over for me now.

Comment by morgan on May 22, 2017 at 12:53am

For the first several years I could not fathom how I could be so devastated and unable to function. I mean several which is more than two.  Going into year four now I see that there is nothing society at large understands about grief.  People just ignore it if they can and if it is in their face they find a way to change the subject or they lecture about how it could be so different if only.....Yeah, if only my husband wouldn't have died I would still think like they do.  I know I wasn't cruel to others who suffered great loss but there is no way I could have empathized like I can now.  It is unspoken how those who have endured such a great loss don't even have to exchange words.   We know what the feelings are like.  The feelings are burying us, slowly but surely.  

We cope using different methods.  I cry.  At just about everything so I avoid everything that puts me in a position to have to interact with people as I just cannot seem to pull on my mask tight enough to be around others.  Further isolating myself.  Which is ok as I don't really want to be a part of this "new" life.  

Pills, counseling, therapy, crying, drinking, whatever,  are all methods to cope.  Just to get through the minutes of time.  Time is our newest enemy.  I want less time.  I don't need any more time.  I wish I could stop time and reverse it.  But it keeps clubbing me over the head.  And so I cope.  I cry.  I pretend.  I am pulling away from life.  And I am hoping it all comes to a halt naturally and as soon as possible because I have come to hate time and people and this life.

Four years and four months as of yesterday my life ended.  I wait with anxiety for an end to this constant missing of the one man who made this life worth living.  Where is he?  I want him to come and get me.  I don't want to keep living without him.  Where did he go and why isn't there something, anything that lets me know that there will be another chance at being with him.  Is that really so much to ask?

Comment by Nora on May 21, 2017 at 9:45pm

You are so right, John.  You cannot be a grieving person in United States! This is a very optimistic country here! People don't want to know and see.  I always think - well, you will be on my place sooner or later.

There is no system to support grieving people. Grief support groups are open every 3 weeks for 2 hrs, and they have some speaker every time.. Really? Speaker? I don't understand this scheduled help. Help should he around 24/7. We are in emotional and physical pain. We need help! But what we get instead? NOTHING! No even some 800 number to call when your heart is ready to blow out!

Not talking about friends and families. Friends are in a better situation - they just say historical iconical - "anything I can do for you just let me know" - and disappear into thin air. Families should "suffer" through having us at plain view and pretend that nothing ever happened. They are comfortable we are wearing masks. Forever sometimes...

My close friend of 14 yrs called me yesterday, asking how are you? I said I am very bad, I feel bad, I am lost, I don't know what to do. And she asked me - "WHY? So long?" I told her just 2 months ago, today, he died... She said - "and you still are in so bad mood!?". Speechless...

John, please try to reduce drinking. Just a little bit less - it will not heal your wound but will hurt your brain - you know as a doctor.

Comment by John T. on May 21, 2017 at 9:17pm

Since last Christmas, I've been drinking far more than I should to get through the day.  No one in the family cares because I'm pleasant, social, funny, and talkative.  As long as I don't remind them of death, no problem.  Just don't mention reality and I'm the lovable, eccentric uncle who keeps to himself and is pretty entertaining at family gatherings.  Just don't show the dark side, don't talk about your feelings, and pretend everything's swell.  This is the formula for myself and the people around me?  They're more comfortable with me being a drunk than grieving.   I'm trying desperately not to accept this as my fate.  

Comment by Jerry on May 19, 2017 at 10:20am

I guess I don't mind doing the things, cleaning, fixing, etc...but certainly not the way I used to, or should, I make "it" (life) work while I have it. But the forward thinking I (and she) always did is just phuckered all up now. I for the best it'll be, processed the loss, hate the loss, don't understand the reason, and know there will never be an acceptable one, but my huge frustration/fear/sorrow is knowing I will continue on in such and altered future without thee best person ever in my life, ever. I don't like it, don't want to, but have to, I lost my respect for religious beliefs years ago, I believe in mother nature, as much as "she" is beautiful and plentiful, she too can be a real bitch, wind, water, fire, life, death. It really sucks when you find you hardly talk to anyone anymore, and when you do, it's immersive, or completely off kilder...just nuts this life of mine has become. I look and feel healthy, but just live in awful in sorrow. I look forward to taking afternoon naps after work and going to bed at night, just as my wife did. I don't know when my day will come, but I do hope I am as lucky as my Kath, and just go to sleep forever. Kinda tics me off when I wake up and find I have another day to muddle through the beauty of the world I no longer enjoy the way I used to. 

Comment by Jackie cooke on May 19, 2017 at 2:37am

I know Jerry, there just doesn't seem any point in getting up and carrying on. What's the point of anything, I was cleaning house yesterday, then thought why am I bothering, there's no one to see or care what the house looks like.my stomach is constantly churning at the thought of living like this, iv so much worry and things to sort but can't do anything. I think about you a lot Jerry as I know we lost our loves about the same time, I just want the pain to go x

Comment by Jerry on May 18, 2017 at 6:38pm

I haven't been on here lately, today I was at work and just lost all my self control and left for the day. I don't know why, no special date for me, my day just went to shit. I guess I'm just so lost and upset that I can't figure out how to proceed in my future without my true better half. I walked 7-8 miles in the sun at my favorite nature preserve talking and crying out loud. I don't know how to get my altered life going forward. Just, lost as all to hell, even if they were to find a reason for my soulmates cause of death wouldn't matter,it's just the fact I don't have her to go on my life happily ever after.

Comment by Jackie cooke on April 29, 2017 at 2:36pm

Jerry that is horrendous, how can that have happened, have you only just found this out. How could a disease she didn't have kill her. It's horrible. Thinking of you x

Comment by Jerry on April 29, 2017 at 7:06am

So, I am having to learn all about SUDEP, Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy. 13 Saturday's ago today, my beautiful, healthy, adoring, wife has apparently died from this mysterious condition, that is even more mysterious when you don't have Epilepsy. So now instead of consuming my waking moments in sorrow shock grief. I now research everything I can find on this ruthless oddity I now live with. Anyone else here with this experience?

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