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Comment by bluebird on June 25, 2017 at 9:09pm

Kim,

Most nights I just take two Benadryl, but on really bad nights I take a Lunesta instead.  I do also have Xanax, though I rarely take it (only when I'm having a panic attack during the day; if I'm having one at night, the Lunesta knocks me out so I don't feel it).

There's nothing wrong with you talking to your husband -- do whatever helps you.  It's good that your kids are supportive. I understand about your son feeling guilty, but if there is an afterlife then I'm sure your husband is not angry at him for his behavior.

I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Comment by bluebird on June 23, 2017 at 9:30pm

Kim,

Yes, grief is unbelievably exhausting. I am simultaneously always tired, and unable to sleep without pills.  When I have stuff I have to do, like doing the laundry or grocery shopping, it takes me hours to work up to doing it. I can manage maybe one thing per day, if I'm lucky. 

You are not alone.

Comment by morgan on June 23, 2017 at 9:30pm

Melissa, I remember the early days.  I remember wondering about bills and what was I going to do and how was I going to do it because all I wanted to do was lay in the fetal position on my bed and cry and yet I had to go to work and on and on and on.....Its different now, but I wont kid you, I still hurt.  A lot.  I am moving once more and the stuff I am doing is just triggering my emotions left and right.  I just don't think there is a real end to this.  You just keep figuring out ways to co-exist with grief.

Kim, I haven't had what I would call any kind of energy on a consistent basis for four plus years.  I can hardly explain the erratic sleeping I have encountered, and at first I could barely drag myself anywhere.  At 8 weeks I was falling asleep standing up as the crying would just bury me.  Energy?  Whats that?  I still am exhausted only for a different reason.  After this long fighting grief I am fried.  Tired and exhausted from going, trying, pushing, forcing, and then dropping into my hole and asking the universe to take me as I just cannot continue to combat the effort it takes to live.  Stuff I see others write about when they are into the first year or two are still happening except not as often but they can be as intense or at least so strong when they do happen (the meltdowns) that I am just sapped.  

Wish I could write about the joy I have found.  The best I can muster is I am functioning better at everyday tasking but I am not liking it.  Not one little bit.  Wish I had better news but I think we all know better.  We just have to pretend a lot.  

Comment by Melissa Malone on June 15, 2017 at 4:23am

6 weeks ago I found my husband dead. We had a wonderful day Saturday celebrating our granddaughters birthday. I was supposed to go first. I just had 2 hospital stays in ICU on a ventilator. He loved me convincingly

And spoiled me rotten. I've had to find stuff because it was not all together. He ran the errands and paid the bills and it scares me to be with out him. I am bipolar and he dealt with that. I'm so lost without him miss talking to him, well I still do. I miss his warped sense of humor

My family is smothering me. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to be here without him. I'm not suicidal,I just can't imagine a life without him. My heart and soul are ripped to pieces.

I'm sorry for y'all losses too. Thanks for letting me vent

Comment by rachel_micele on June 14, 2017 at 9:33am

Alice - I guess for me the reason I cry is pretty simple. I'm so damn sad, hurt, and I miss him so fucking much. In a public place i may hold back but otherwise i don't for a moment. I let the tears fall all the way down my checks. I don't wipe them away. It would feel to me I'm wiping the pain away, wiping him away. And I will forever keep him as close to me as I possibly can.

Tina - thank you sharing your latest thoughts with your cousin's passing.

Morgan - I am so, so very sorry. We are in a pure hell, that's all there is to it.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 14, 2017 at 7:22am

Morgan,

My thoughts are exactly like yours, each day is miserable without My Husband. My life is worth nothing without him.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 13, 2017 at 5:34pm

Dear morgan,

I am so sorry that the days and years are not getting any easier and that you find yourself in the same spot as four years ago. I agree with Alice that no matter how many bucketful of tears we shed, how much we scream or how fervently we pray, it won't make a difference. 

On August 4th it will be three years since my wonderful husband Joseph left this world, and to this day, everyday my thought and my fervent prayer is to be taken up, to be freed, to be allowed to reunite with Joseph. Until February of this year, like morgan I, too, had been harming my body in the thoughts that this abuse will kill me in the next few years, but a tragedy struck and I understood something perhaps that I had known all along--that I cannot hasten my death unless I actually kill myself, and I will never do that, take my own life. 

My 38-year-old cousin died suddenly of brain tumor. He was admitted to hospital, diagnosed with cancer and died 12 days after being admitted. When this young man who seemed to be in good health, very much wanted to live, grow old (his parents are still alive in their 80s and 90s) died so suddenly, it reaffirmed for me that there is no rhyme or reason to any of this. At that point I knew that all my prayers for my own death will not be heard, it will happen when it will happen. Also, my abusing my body might very well mean that I will still live to be 80 or 90, but that I will be a very sickly old woman, maybe decrepit, blind and paralyzed, but living. This is the terrible truth about this cruel and indifferent universe that we inhabit, this could be what happens. My cousin's passing brought all this home to me, something I had known all along but didn't want to acknowledge. 

I know several people who are in their in 80s even though they have all kinds of diseases and are very unhealthy, but they just limp along. What guarantee do I have that the abuse I was doing to my own body will kill me in a year or two? Maybe it not kill me anytime soon, but will only make my life a living hell in physical terms too. Now I suffer emotionally and mentally, but mercifully, I am in relatively good health. My cousin's  senseless death gave me a different perspective. And that's why I am no longer abusing my body. I don't exercise or eat healthy food as before, but neither do I starve myself and harm my body. So this is where I am. I still still pray everyday for my early death in the off chance that it might be heard. Actually, it's not true, I pray because it brings me peace to pray, not because I really believe that my prayers for my death will be answered. I will mourn Joseph to the end of my days. He was the most wonderful man/person I knew. He was the reason for my life. (I suppose the reason we members are here on this site grieving and mourning years after the death of our spouse is because they were so wonderful, so precious, and they gave meaning to our life, without them life is pointless and empty.)  

I try to console myself by saying that I do not know for sure how long I have left on this miserable earth. It is as possible that I will die in a year or two as that I will die twenty years later. I just don't know. None of us do. Sorry for rambling on like this, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you here. Sometimes it helps to commiserate.

Sending you all good thoughts and vibes of peace. 

Comment by morgan on June 13, 2017 at 1:09pm

I don't know how much longer the universe has planned for me to live on this roller coaster of grief but I can tell you I am damn sick and tired of it.  

After four years I have torrents of debilitating grief and then I can function for hours being numb to anything that resembled my former life.  

When I talk to people who knew of me and my husband in my past life I can so easily slip into my hole.  It's like the missing piece as I converse with them is so prominent in my brain I simply cannot block the crying.  Then I rebuild myself when I talk to people who did not know me before and I pretend that I can function in their world.  But even then I want to scream at the world how I hate them and this fake damn life they are making me live.

I continually do what I can to beat myself up by eating as badly as my digestion will allow it, physically exerting myself to exhaustion and making sure I do nothing that will keep me healthy.  Nothing is bringing me to the place I want to be.  Dead.

I have tried for so long to make this be a life.  It isn't.  I cant do it without my husband.  He was life.  He was my life.  I only want to be with him.  The rest of this is useless. God, please allow me to die.  

Comment by John T. on June 11, 2017 at 9:57pm

KIM, it's 2 years and 6 months or so since I lost my wife and in the last couple of weeks I've been finally tearing open boxes and trying to put things away where I live now.  It's taken all that time to even begin to look at the things in those boxes without crying.  I still avoid the Christmas boxes and am caught off guard when not prepared for some of the things I packed unlabeled.  I am exhausted physically by the slightest bit of all this and emotionally wrecked.  I'm determined to start keeping my living space clean again but it seems so overwhelming to do things that were once routine.  This is all so much to deal with but it does seem to distract me.  It took a long time to even get to this point.  I just swept up a pile of cat fur today that made a dust bunny so big it actually frightened our two cats.  It's been a long while since I did any cleaning and the cats were upset by the unfamiliar activity.  I hope I can keep going and get things together here, including myself.

Comment by Mary on June 5, 2017 at 8:38pm

Kim and Elvynn, your hubbies sound like my wonderful husband. He had the special way with people and doing things. I've missed him every moment of every day since April 26, 2016. The outside yard he'd do such a good job. This year I've been out there getting it all nice with him in mind. He's giving me the strength. Life is so empty without my NEIL. Gone too soon and so unexpectedly.

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