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Comment by Babs on December 5, 2011 at 6:30am

I think that we can all react differently to grief some of us want to withdraw (that is me most of th etime) and others want to be doing things. Sometimes i think we switch between different moods a lot, sometimes not wanting to be on our own and wanting distractions and other times hiding away. I often look forward to seeing friends only to wish they would leave soon after they arrive. I think i would like company but only th eright sort of company where i can just be and not be judged, be free to talk about my loss with them just listening not trying to fix me.

Its good you have known your friends for so long they should know you well. Its also good that they live close as you can go and see how you feel and maybe tell them you are not sure how long you will be able to stay but that you would like to see them. That way if it gets too much you can leave.

I understand when you say about not being able to cry, i find that hard to, though sometimes if i listen to a song or read something that validates my grief i can cry. I cried buckets when reading Kenneth Doka's book on disenfranchised grief. I havn't been able to share my grief with many people and when i have they havn't understood which usually makes me angry but i end up realising its not there fault its mine and end up being angry with myself.

 I too have found myself swearing alot since Steve died. I never used to swear at all. I think we need a safe place to let out our emotions and cry, but that safe place or person is hard to find when you cannot be open about your grief so i guess we keep it all in. Sorry am rambling now. Big hugs. Baz

Comment by Connie J on December 5, 2011 at 6:06am

I know the fallout from the death of someone very dear to us is a very individual thing, but I'm finding it difficult to cry.  Maybe it's because there aren't that many opportunities to talk about 'B" and share memories. I've had waves of anger (mostly swearing out loud in my own company.)  I thought I would just want to hibernate and would be totally unmotivated (difficulty getting out of bed, loss of appetite, etc.) But, I seem to be doing the opposite.  I need people and feel so needy!! The anticipation of catching up with friends gives me a boost (and catching up with them) but following that, I am in a state of despair - an abyss.  It's nearly 4 months since B died, and at times, I must admit, I feel like withdrawing.  I haven't taken any time off work - just plodding along.  Time drags (weeks seem like months.)  Maybe I need to just do nothing for a while.  But I worry that this may cause me to sink into a deep depression.  Any advice??

Comment by Connie J on December 5, 2011 at 5:47am

My friends I refer to are only 35 mins away.  I'll have to get some dutch courage...we have a history (over 20 years) and have experienced a lot together.  Thanks for your inspiring comments. 

Comment by Babs on December 5, 2011 at 4:42am

Wow Connie i could have written that post myself, yes you are right we are changed people but others are the same and yes it is a test of friendship. Many of my friends have walked away and as you say some i have kept away from as they are not very sensitive and just cause me more pain and hurt than i can deal with at the moment. I can completely understand your concerns re visiting your friends. Do they live a long way away or could you just pop in for a cuppa and test the ground. If you don't feel up to it it is ok to say no, if they are the kind of friends who give you oxygen they will understand. I have lost a lot of friends but in a funny way it has taught me not to be so afraid of putting myself first for fear of upsetting or losing my friends. I am able to say what i feel and want much easier than i used too. Am i losing my mind? Yes have asked that one so many times sometimes it really does seem that way. I am on medication which does seem to be helping a bit. Take care of yourself Connie. Babs

Comment by Connie J on December 4, 2011 at 5:07pm

My friends (a married couple) have asked me to visit them, but I feel I'm not ready.  I think I've backed off a bit (due largely to their insensitivity).  My grief is also a test - a test of friendship - who provide you with much needed "oxygen" and who don't.  I'm a changed person, but all the people I connect with are as they were! There are so many things to "compute" in my mind, including will I lose my mind??

Comment by Babs on November 30, 2011 at 6:29am

Thanks Connie, it is so hard not to have our grief recognised when the love we shared was just a sstrong as in amarriage and we feel like a widow but have no support. Your freinds comment was very insensitive to say the least, i have had similar comments like he never really loved you anyway, which were very hurtful an dnot true. Yes it is hard for people who have not been in our situation to understand, although i do feel that they could think a bit more before opening there mouths and saying some of th ethings they do. I guess most of the time they don't mean to hurt us. I am just glad that i am able to share with a few people who understand. Take care of yourself. Big hugs. Babs

Comment by Connie J on November 29, 2011 at 6:43pm

Oh, and another thing Becky, BE YOURSELF, try not to pretend to behave in a way to make others feel better.  It's your grief, be kind to yourself, become your own best friend, and just be you!  Maybe you'll feel less exhausted!!  Thanks for sharing how you feel.  We're all here to support you and each other!!  Connie

Comment by Connie J on November 29, 2011 at 5:51pm

Hi Becky and Babs, yes dealing with friends/family/colleagues' responses to your grief can be overwhelming as well as confusing!  My partner has only been dead a little over 3 months, and I had to bear an insensitive comment from a friend who seems to think there's a time-frame for grieving!!  My partner was married to someone else.  The friend considered it to be in my best interest to say (after "B" died) that I shouldn't have been wasting my time with him!!  (Perhaps implying that I was squandering my life??)  My relationship with "B" was like being married, as we were together for a very long time.  I feel widowed. I was loved in the the true romantic sense of love.  We had friendship, companionship and our feelings for each other never waned.  Yes, Becky and Babs there's a hell of a lot of issues to confront and process when it comes to disenfranchised grief.  I suppose the best way of dealing with insensitive comments is to show compassion for those who have no real understanding, and forgive them.

Comment by Rebecca Dyson on November 27, 2011 at 7:49pm

Thank you for the kind thoughts - very much appreciated.

Comment by Babs on November 27, 2011 at 3:51pm

Becky thank you for telling me a bit about your husband, i am so sorry for your loss.Thats hard that he died on your daughter's birthday, and must be strange working in th esame place.Thats so true about being critisised for being fine but if your not told u should be over it, just can't win. Big hugs. Babs

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