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Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 8, 2011 at 7:06pm

Hi Cynthia and Debbie,

When my wife and I helped out at registering people who ran from their homes as they ignited during the the San Bruno gas line explosion, what I saw on their faces and in their words was similar to people I've counseled whose loved one (husband, child, friend, parent) died--emotional shock.

 

Just as with physical shock, emotional shock creates a very strange and painful world for the person who experiences it, and a world that is confusing to others who haven't. It's difficult sometimes for people to understand why those are grieving are "taking so long to get over it," or why they can't accept the "perfectly good suggestions" they are making.

 

Not to justify the unhelpful suggestions many friends and relatives make, but I think the basic problem they, and most people in our society have is we separate life from death. And when death occurs, few people are ready for it, especially those who intimately shared the life of someone who is gone.

 

But the mind is a very unique devise. It may take time for to get back on an even keel, but when it does, suggestions for how to regain joy become more appropriate.

 

I don't say this cavalierly, but a life without grief, in my mind, would be dismal. Since it would mean that there was no one I cared enough for, that I would miss. I think grief is the price we pay for loving someone.

Hope this helps.

Take Care,

Stan

 

What I've found is that those who are experiencing the emotional shock have to at some very intuitive level believe that it will diminish.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 8, 2011 at 6:36pm

Dear Debbie -

Thank you.  One of the problems I have is that I have 3 older brothers; they are all very concerned and at first called me more often to see how I am (they all live out of town or in another state).  I am not a religious person (forgive me I repeat myself here), and one of my brothers is "born again" and he called and said he and his wife wanted to send me a bible because they thought I would find comfort from it.  I was raised in a Jewish home and told him I already have 3 bibles - one Christian, one Jewish and one Old Testament.  I told him that there was nothing in there for me at this time; I didn't find comfort there.  All I could think of at that time was if G-d is so loving and forgiving, why did he allow my husband to suffer for so long and in the way he did?  He hasn't called me back.  My third brother took an opportunity to tell me that all of the investments my husband made (and I'm so thankful for that!) should be in the bank; not invested, but they are in IRA's so I can't touch them anyway without paying penalties.  I have found a financial planner who specializes in working with women in my position (widowed or divorced) and who I trust.  I'm grateful for her, too.  My oldest brother, who a physician and has always been there for me and my husband - he really held our hands through the past year - answering questions, talking to our doctors and just generally being supportive and taking care of things that I couldn't as far as our parents go doesn't call as often, because if he calls when I'm having a bad time, he has a hard time knowing what to do or say - which is really nothing; there is nothing he can say, except "I'm sorry.  Is there anything I can do?  What do you need?"  so he just doesn't call as much.  I'm glad you have your brother to help with financial stuff.  My brother in law has been a tremendous help to me and my daughters.  I know exactly what you mean when you say "Oh G-d, not another day without Bill" because I go to bed saying "oh G-d, not another night without Don."  The nights and early mornings when I get up seem to be the hardest, or days when I have nothing special planned, and nothing in particular to do.  I try to stay busy, keep myself occupied.  My dog has probably saved my life, just by "making" me get up each morning because he needs to be fed and he needs to be walked.  He does make me smile, and he makes me laugh - he's so darn cute.  But we got him just a month before my husband died; my friends say he was "sent" to me for a special reason.  Sometimes I have to agree with that.  Without this dog, I really don't know what I'd do.  

We both know how hard this is, and how long it takes to heal is however long it takes, and it is different for everyone.  But I do hold on to the hope that one day, it will hurt just a little less, and a little less... I have a grandson and another on the way and idea of not being here to see them grow up is not acceptable to me.  Yes, I have days I just want to lay down and die, because it just hurts too much.  So I just find myself waiting for the hurt to lessen, and just go about my days the best I can.  I think that's all most of can expect.  You're right; our histories with our husbands will not go away or diminish in anyway.  I envy you your faith; I wish I had that, but I never had and I just don't.  Yet a part of me believes that he is out there somewhere, waiting for me and we will be together again.  That's the only thing that I have to hold on to right now.

Sorry to go on so long again.... I guess once I get started, it's hard to shut me up!  Thank you again; take care.  Hang in there.  Hugs.

Cynthia

Comment by Debbie Powell on March 8, 2011 at 3:23pm

Cynthia, your experience with the cause of your husbands death and our ages and the time together are so like mine.  I was involved with hospice for my dad and mom when they died and read all the books I could.  It doesn't really prepare you for actually losing them.  I believe in God so I know where my husband is.  I also get the feeling from those close that I should be 'farther along' than I am.  Last weekend my brother visited to help with financial stuff and I just let it out.  I told him that every morning is the biggest struggle.  the minute I open my eyes my first thought is 'oh God, not another day without Bill'.  I told him that 30 years with Bill was not going away.  I hate my life without him.  I am 2-1/2 months farther along than you are and I don't see anything ever replacing the fullness or quality of what my life was.  I believe it when people say 'time' but to me that means that maybe one day I might have some peaceful moments.  We have a friend that is a widower and I have talked to him a lot.  He told me that one day, a long time from now, I will find myself doing something and realize that I didn't think of Bill.  for that 5 min or so I didn't think of him.  He told me you always miss them it just gets easier to accept.  Of course, I don't see that, but am going day by day by day.  I just feel exactly what you are and I know how heavy your chest is with pain.  It's a physical and emotional pain.  Sending hugs ........

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 6, 2011 at 12:03pm

Hello.  My name is Cynthia, I'm 58 years old and my husband died from rectal cancer that suddenly, seemingly overnight spread to his liver and his bone marrow and when we found out, he lived another 4 days; he died at home with hospice (the one we had was not a good experience unfortunatly).  I'm hear because, well, becauswe my husband died and I'm hurting.

The ache seems to come and go, and for each of us it will be different; it will take varying amounts of time.  Reading some of the comments, I hear people wanting answers - we all want the pain to stop, to go away, to feel better.  For me, it is like waves.  I seem to go along doing "okay" or maybe just feeling kind of numb and depressed, and then one day I just start crying and it takes off on it's own from there - and I have a meltdown. And I have to cancel my "day" and just stay home and cry.  And I know that's normal and it's okay; the meltdowns still come   There are days I just want to lay down and die and even tho my children are all grown up - one married and one engaged - I know they will still need me, and I simply know that I can't do anything to harm myself because of how it would affect them.  I also belive that my Don would not want me to do anything to myself - I honestly believe he would have fought to hold on longer if the thought I couldn't handle anything.  I found myself telling him at the end it was okay to let go; and I told him I'd be okay - that he didn't have to worry about leaving me, or our girls, or his dad (who died two weeks later from a massive coronary attack).

When I ran grief groups for hospice (I'm a psychotherapist), one man simply decided to make grieving for his wife his "work" and all the did was create rituals to grieve, and to heal, and  he did heal.  There is hope.  It won't feel like this forever, although personally I will always have a hole in my heart where my Don should be.  And I don't belive we ever have to forget our loved one, or "get over it" (one doesn't get "over" grief; one get's through it - eventually.  It just takes as long as it takes).

It's very difficult to get through this process when you have family and even friends who are not supporting you; inlaws who may blame you, family who make you feel guilty.  Sometimes you have to find a way to cut these people out of your life; it's a decision  like 'You're either for me or against me" and if they are against me, who needs 'em?  This is not a time for family obligations or shoulds.  This is actually more of a "me" time, and what do I need now?  And who can help me get there?  Or do I just need to be with me for now?  My therapist suggested I write in a journal, letters to my husband.  As it happened, I found a journal he had written a few pages in on his desk, so I keep that one on his pillow on our bed, and I do write to him - if I wake in the night from a dream that he was in, if I'm in so much pain I honestly think I won't survive it, if I need to rant and rage against the cancer, against him, against whatever I'm angry at.  It helps.  I talk to him; I wear his clothes even.  I do everything I can to keep him close to me; it's only been 3 and 1/2 months, but some people seem to think I should be all back to "normal".  And I've had a "born - again" brother trying to get me to read the Bible; that's not me, and it's not my background, and my husband was a lapsed Catholic - we called him a "recovering Catholic" (no offense intended to anyone reading this!) and I was raised in a Jewish home.  We spent almost 32 years together (if  you count the few months we dated before we got married, we were together 32 years); how can I be expected to be over this in just a few months?  It doesn't work that way.

So when we ask, when will the ache subside?  who knows.  It's the same question I keep wanting to ask others who've lost a spouse.  And for each person it's different, so in my opinion, there is no answer to this question.  The ache will probably be there at the birth of our second Grandson this June and at my other daughter's wedding this fall, when her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle - that honor will fall to me.  There are so many firsts now; the first anniversary without him; we had our first Chirstmas without him, but didn't really "do" Chirstmas; his birthday, my birthday, our daughter's birthdays; my first trip to NY to visit my daughter and fiancee without him.  I find I steel myself for these events, and just do my best to get through it. 

Yes, there are days I want to take an overdose or find a way to kill myself so I can be with him again; but my girls will always need Mom, and my parents are still around and it would just kill them to lose me; and honestly althought I am not a religious person (but I do believe I'm somewhat spiritual), there is a small part of me that fears if I take my own life, I'll end up somewhere after death where he won't be!  And then I'll never see him again, and that would be my own personal hell.  At least this way, I have hope of someday being with him.  Unfortunately, we have longevity in our family and I'm only 58.  I could live another 40 years!  Maybe someone will just take me out back and shoot me when I get up there... sorry about that.

I'm sorry this is so long.  I guess I just got going and didn't want to stop.  Thank you so much for listening and providing a forum for this.

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 5, 2011 at 9:48am

Hi Charlene,

I think you've raised many important issues about grief and guilt. Let me give you feedback on guilt. Having Jewish parents, I'm very familiar with it. I think one of the hardest decisions anybody has to make is the decision involving the end of someone's life. Almost everyone I've known who has done that, looks back and says to themselves, "Did I do the right thing? Should I have waited?"

 

Unfortunately, the introspection comes during a period when the chaos surrounding the decision is absent. I've never found anybody who makes that decision was wrong, from a mother telling the physician to stop ventilation on her adult child to a husband who said to his wife, "It's alright to go." It's such a powerful and transformative decision, that the events at the time of the decision seem to take over from the person who needs to make it. And rarely, do events lie. I hope this helps.

 

Take Care,

Stan

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 5, 2011 at 9:36am

Hi Jan,

I'm always humbled when someone quotes me. Please call me Stan. There is always a disparity between the world of someone who is grieving and those who aren't. And as much as I'm committed to the hospice movement, sometimes survivors of those who I serve still grieve.

 

I don't think you can expect someone who doesn't know why you are grieving (not the person, but the loss) to understand. And often, it may not be appropriate to share your feelings with them.

 

I think feeling alone is expected, especially when the person who died either was a significant part of your identity or fulfilled certain needs. I've seen both problems in survivors. We all have certain needs. I've found that the more basic the need that was related to the person who died, the greater the sense of loss. You often hear the comment, "just give it time." I don't agree. I have never found that loss is abated just through time. I think the components of grief don't dissipate over time, but rather if left alone, will gobble up more of a person's psyche. I believe getting over grief and recovering is an active, and sometimes, painful process.

 

Take Care,

Stan

 

Comment by Kerry Whitley on March 5, 2011 at 12:24am

Charlene, I am so sorry for your loss...I posted a comment on your wall earlier. I can relate and by reading your story I think you probably made the right choice because now he is not suffering anymore. It is hard because people think you have given up on your loved one when you make that choice to take them off of life support.  I don't have the words to say to make the pain any better, even after 17 years after my mom was taken off of life support after her heart gave out after being shot 13 days prior to her death and then her lungs lost their elasticity so if she would have survived she would have been on life support the rest of her life and she was only 36 at the time she was shot and 37 when she died she had her last birthday in the hospital.

Comment by charlene aragon on March 4, 2011 at 7:32pm

Hello everyone

Its been a few weeks since I have been on here.  I fell into a deep depression, and was pretty much done with life it self.  I have support at home, I am working for hospice, and I wake up in the morning.  My husband passed in January, and I had to take him off life support.  Not a lot of people can understand what I'm feeling or going thru.  The pain is as strong as when I had to let him go.  I find myself missing him more and more everyday, I still find myself talking to him, or keeping my phone close at work incase he texts me.  I lost the love of my live, and I have no life left, well thats how it feels.  I haven't gotten much from this site, I met a few ppl who were awwesome to chat with, but my pain and heart ache run so deep that nothing seems to help.  Being in the medical field as long as I have been, I know how to help others with their loss, but I can't seem to help myself, the hurt and guilt is too much.  everyday I wonder, did I take him off life support too soon?  could more have been done?   I have written different things on this site and don't get much feed back, and thats what we need.  I also wrote ..A SOCIAL COMMUNITY in the blogs, because some of us need more than just writing about it...  . I go to work and go home, and stay in my room. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to talk to my friends I jst want to be with my husband, because being here jst hurts too much.

Comment by Debbie Powell on March 4, 2011 at 12:36pm

It does.  I seem to have a logical side that KNOWS but the emotional that fights it.  I have had lots of interests over the years and I have partners in my pets (kids)!  I am having a bad day since our 13 year old dog, basset named Belle, is losing her battle with cancer and it's rainy here.  I guess the emotional side is winning today.  I have only been on this site a few days and the online chat is great.  I've met other people there.... and didn't have to get out to talk.  My focus right now in on Belle and having others in the same mind set is nice to have.  I did join a local support group for the 'holidays' and realize that group situations do help.  thanks for being there for the past few minutes... was feeling kinda lost.  Debbie

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 4, 2011 at 12:24pm

Hi Debbie,

The simple answer is "no." What I've found is that there are two important steps in getting over grief. The first is to identify what emotions you're no longer feeling because of the death of a loved one. The second it to begin searching for ways of replacing them. And that doesn't always mean replacing a partner with a new partner. Warm, good feelings can be recreated in many ways. Hope this helps.

Take Care,

Stan

 

 

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