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Comment by Denise Murphy on August 3, 2011 at 8:27pm

Nadia I had similar feelings as you, I lost my sister suddenly July 2010.  She died in her sleep of a massive heart attack she was 41.  She left behind two children, my heart was broken.  I went over things a million times, thinking I could have done this or that and she would have still been here.  I went over every conversation we had and thought I should have said this, it would have saved her.  She was scheduled for a stress test that day this would have alerted them to the problem a few more hours she would have been saved.  I am a deeply faithful person and I questioned everything, one day I would feel hopeless, the next day I would have no beliefs.  I was so angry because of the circumstance's.  I read this one quote in a book that I would say over and over "learning from the past is useful, dwelling on the past is destructive."  By me going back and questioning everything was slowly destroying my life and those around me.  I'm not say it happened overnight but I have more peace today than I have had since she died.  I still find myself in tears at times but it is few and far between.  It's like a ocean waves of grief come in and then calm again.  Another prayer I would say over and over is the Serenity Prayer "God grant me the serenity to acept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference".  I could not change what had happened but I could try to change my reaction to it.  I will keep you in my prayers.  God Bless You

Denise

Comment by nadia on August 3, 2011 at 5:03pm

Karen your words are so true for me too.. So want to feel that I will be reunited with my sister again - I need to religion and faith just for that...but can as yet feel a true connection or faith...my anger is still at bay but guilt resentment and sadness devour me.... feeling that I have not done enough to show her how much I loved how much I care for her while she was here.... could have done so much better... giving her more time... can forgive myself that last time we skype I told that I had to hand up as she was yorning too much and was making me tired,, not to mention all these times that i was too busy working when she wanted to skype.... my angel now is gone and I am left in deep regret and sadness

Comment by Karen R. on August 1, 2011 at 3:16pm

Hello Nadia, Sue and everyone, I too wish that I will one day, sooner than later, have a strong faith in God once again. I still feel so beaten down and stripped of my once happy life. My anger is still equal to my sadness.

Thanks to all, lots of love

Comment by Karen R. on July 31, 2011 at 10:40pm

Hello Laura, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I havent lost a parent but I did lose my 21yr old son, I am still suffering with pain and it has almost been 2yrs. Your mom is close to my mother's age and you are ripe, we hope that they will live if not forever, at least until a ripe old age like your grandmother. My grandmother will be turning 94 this october and is still very independent. Once again, i am so sorry for your loss and hopefully one day, our pain will be lessened.

Comment by Laura Krause on July 29, 2011 at 11:40pm

I lost my mom 12 days ago.  I had been at her house from about noon until 1 when she left to go to her Western Illinois Doll Study Club. Club was over around 4:30 -5:00.  The hospital called around 5:45 n just said she'd been in an accident. So I drove the 20 minutes to the hospital where they quickly told me mom was not alright. The coroner said she was driving toward home when nearby motorists noticed she slowed way down, then slowly veered across 4 lanes and into the ditch. She had an aortic anuerism. He said she was already gone when the first person, an off duty policeman, got there. She was only 73, my grandma, her mom, lived until she was 94.  I always assumed mom would too.  I somehow managed to get thru the next several days, but its not gettin any easier. I still cant believe shes gone. She was my best friend n we spent a lot of time together. I just dont know how I can go on without her.

Comment by nadia on July 27, 2011 at 5:13pm

Dear Sue
Thank you so much for your words. I wish I had a stronger faith.. being so univolved I am now trying my hardest to find faith, I have started praying for my sister..what I only ask for is for her to be in peace and happy. that's all I wish... on my good days I find comfort in god but there these dark moments of doubt that seem to knwock down all I have built.. I need some guidnace I feel so incapacipated adn blind in my journey to god.. my partner fortunately has a strong faith which I foolish me used to dismiss so he is supporting me a great deal.. I will get the book I feel the need to read..my physical pain for my sister is still so raw and strong that I find it so hard not to think of my beautiful sister being buried wasteing away.. I try to force myself to think of her soul but often I fail to conjure this up..My faith is not strong I am novice trying to stay afloat feeling like I am drowning every day...I feel good reading your words.. your faith rubs on me and somehow instill some hope...I will def get the book.. Thank you so much for making time to write to me... it means so much to me - often feel so alone whistl surrounded by so many...one of my sister;s and my best friend went on holiday for 10 days never called back.. she called me on her return saying she is sorry that she never called but she needed some space.. feel sometimes I am shunned in my grief and sadness.. I do not care much but does ake me angry that people only like your company when you are happy... I then calm down reminding myself not to judge everyone takes loss in their way..god bless you all.. love to all of you here.. and much more for your loved ones up there..

Comment by Sue Waxman on July 27, 2011 at 11:55am

Dear Nadia,

I understand completely how you feel seeing life go on around you...dinners, birthday parties, people going on summer vacations. I feel the same way. I found a book called "Walking Through the Garden of Souls". Please get it. Amazon has it. Several of our brother's and sister's also in grief have suggested books to me to help. I live alone so I can hide from the world if I choose to. I go to work and come home. Don't even enjoy riding my bike after work anymore. Nothing seems to matter much. Your sister was a great gift from God. My mother was my greatest gift from God. The one thing that has helped me survive one day at a time is putting my faith and life in God's hands. I have never been a super religious person. I watched my mother's faith grow over the past 5 years and I watched her give herself to God and take her last breath. Her faith was there. Your sister is in a wonderful, amazing place. I believe with my entire being that this is TRUE. Otherwise what is this all about? You certainly can't belive we evolved from apes. My mother and your sister....they are the lucky ones. If that makes any sense. Maybe lucky isn't the word. I think the book will give you something you are needing right now. I am here for you. I am praying for you. Love Sue

Comment by Karen R. on July 25, 2011 at 12:29pm

Greetings Nadia, being that I am a parent that has lost a child and I know that everyone one has different circumstances and may mourn in different ways, for me, it matters that my other children talk about their brother openly. I like to here funny stories and things they may have all did that I don't know anything about. I even want to hear about an argument that may have had. Most of all, I need them to let me grieve and mourn the way I need to, for however long I need to. I know that it is hard for them to see me sobbing uncontrollably, they don't like to see me hurting but I need them to understand that this is NOT my choice and I would be feeling this way if it had been one of them instead. I hope this helps a little.

Comment by nadia on July 25, 2011 at 1:39am

I read your words and realise that I am not alone in my thoughts. I have no way to express to my partner and family the envy and resentment that he has sister when my only wodnreful sister is gone.. I am green with envy that my kids will only remember his sister when my own caring dedicated sister who was passionate giving auntie will be a faded memory (if that). I do not want another auntie... she never really cared about us as much as my sister .. I want little with her yet how can I explain that to my husband?? He wants to have her over for a few days and I want to scream....
I feel anger and bitterness that her friends are off to greek ile for holidays, having fun enjoying life - it pains me that they go on without her.. I feel anger with her partner who was making him sooo sad with being a greek macho guy and she had spent the alst two months in tears and sadness - that she was alone on that fatal morning with no one to call the paramedics... I feel extreme guilt when I have good moments with the kids when I feel some moments of enjoyment... The guilt hits when I realise that she is not back home to greet up she will not call... she should have been here all of our loved ones should have been here....I wish I had a stronger faith to kbnwo she is happy and in a better pleace - there are moments I feel it is true but many more of doubts and despair.... How can I find god now when life is in tatters?? To all of you who are mums what can I do to eae the pain for my mum?? she is broken and seems so withdrawn from me....what may help somehow what may distract her??? my parents are my priority now... I have two weeks before heading back to work abroad again...you kind advice please??

Comment by Karen R. on July 24, 2011 at 11:12pm

Hey Sandra and everyone. I know what you mean about your thoughts always drifting right back to your child, no matter what is going on. Family and friends mean well but its hard for them to understand, especially if they haven't walked in our shoes. I feel like I am being tortured by my son's friend whose motorcycle he was riding during the accident/murder. My son and him have been friends since they were 3yrs old and he lives right next door, our yards are next to each other. he still has 2 motorcycles and ATV-4 wheeler! He rides his bike like a maniac, he speeds, does wheelies and spin outs, right on our street! Every time he starts up one of those bikes, I cringe. To make matters even worse, he broke his leg from an accident on one of them and still rides one with his cast! Here he is being totally reckless and earned only a broken leg and my son just went for a ride on that boy's bike and ended up losing his life! I look from my window and watch him and all of his friends congregate in his driveway and I hear them laughing and talking and I start thinking, wow, do they all remember my son. I took me quite awhile to accept that his friend is not responsible for what happened, he didn't make my son ride but it still bothers me deeply when I see him ride and I know that my son got the bike from him.  He came and saw my son, his friend, in ICU at the hospital and he was devastated to see his condition, you would think that he would NEVER want to even sit on a motorcycle again.

There was another time when my brother in law forced and harassed me to come bowling with a group of us, he would not take no for an answer, he meant well, so to shut him up I came. I tried my best to be social with my children and nephew and my sister but it was such an effort. I became angry with him that he was belittling my grief by trying to "force" me to have "fun". I just cried as I imagined my son being there to play and all the jokes about everyone's skills he would have had. I felt bad after I made him feel bad because he was only trying to help.

 

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