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Comment by Karen R. on August 17, 2011 at 12:11am

Greetings Romina, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I did not lose a parent but I did lose my 21 yr old son. My son sustained a massive brain injury as a result of him riding his friend's motorcycle on a residential street when he was chased and rammed into an oncoming car. He struggled to fight for his life for 7 days in the ICU in the hospital. He was on full life support. He had daily catscans that revealed that he suffered multiple strokes. I had steal remained hopeful because there were days when he only needed assistance from the ventilator, he would take breaths on his own even though he was in a coma. I blocked out all the negative things that his team of doctors were telling me. At first when I was approached by the Organ Donor rep, I was furious and then I had this "rational" thought, I convinced my self that my son's body was being stressed by all of those machines and that he only needed a break, I truly believed that he would be able to take breaths on his own and he would be a medical miracle, he would beat all the odds. The crazy part is that I am a registered nurse but none of that mattered because I was in full mommy mode. I told myself that people live all the time with one kidney, so I would be willing to donate ONE of his kidneys and nothing else. I agreed to go home and wait for his "surgery" to be over, When the nurse called me to tell me that the "surgery" was over, I became so excited, I couldn't get up to that hospital fast enough, I truly believed that my son was going to be ok. As I entered the room he was in, there he lay, in a hospital bed, he no longer looked stressed, he looked like he was sleeping, he looked like his regular self.  I called his name softly and then I whispered it in his ear, I begged and pleaded with him to show everyone that they were wrong, I tried to get him to hug me but nothing, no response, I still wasn't getting it, finally everyone there with me, family and friends, told me that we had to leave and that my son was gone. Well I didn't accept that then and I still dont accept it now, I NEVER will! I am just telling my experience and my true feelings, I have nothing but regret for terminating my son's life support, I feel like I helped him pass away, I feel like I didn't give him enough time to recover. A 16yr old boy in critical condition received my son's kidney that same night, initially I was glad for that and I thought that I would like to meet him but now, I don't believe I could handle seeing him, maybe one day that will change but for now, my pain won't allow it. I am sorry that I don't have any encouraging words, only, thank goodness for this site and all of its sub groups. It's a place where my thoughts and my grief is validated, not judged or condemned  and that means so much to me while I am stuck here living this nightmare.

Thanks so much for listening and I do hope that some day, sooner than later, we will have some peace.

Comment by mercy on August 11, 2011 at 1:30pm

Sweetheart Stephanie, I’m so sorry, you sound terribly devastated. I’ve not lost a child but I can imagine how hard it is. The closest people to a child I lost were my niece and nephew. I’ve lost three brothers, my mom, dad and numerous relatives (am 37). I know the pain and bitterness you are feeling and the anger at God. I’ve been angry at God for a while now for taking my 43 year old brother suddenly, then my mom eleven months later this past June. No words can bring us comfort and some of the things people say just serve to make us even more upset. I feel safe here because everyone understands and can validate our feelings. I first experienced loss at the age of seven (my nephew) and the only reassurance I can give you is that it gets a little easier as time goes by. The pain will always be there but it’ll get easier to live with.  There are great books written by mothers who have lost children. The best one I’ve read is ‘Beyond tears : living after losing a child / Carol Barkin” please try and get this book at your local library, it sheds light on everything you are feeling. Again, I’m so sorry and I hope you find comfort and encouragement from all of us here. God Bless

Comment by mercy on August 11, 2011 at 1:03pm

Ronnette; I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. My dad died in '94, since then I've lost two brothers and my mom. I'm 37 but have experienced tremendous loss in my life. I know what you mean when you say it gets worse; I feel that way too especially with the recent loss of mom (two months ago). Its a daily struggle but I have a huge extended family who have been very supportive and understanding. They remind me what mom would want for me every day. You dad wants you to be happy, remember that as you grieve his loss. Our parents are such a huge part of our life; its very normal to feel this pain we are feeling. Every time I think of mom, it just feels like she just passed away. I think of her so much and miss her so much that I have to take powerful medication just to help me sleep for a couple of hours.

Comment by Stephanie Stone-Merrick on August 11, 2011 at 3:21am

I'm so thankful to all of you and this site, for giving me a place to come and feel safe. And understood and supported. Right now, I can't sleep and reading your stories breaks my heart and makes so mad we're all in a place none of us ever wanted to be. I want you all to know I haven't been interacting a lot with others, and I don't want to appear to be selfish...I'm overwhelmed by every little thing. I know you all understand and will be here whether I talk or not, I just want to say right now, I appreciate you all. I know I'm rambling, a newly developing habit of mine. I'm sorry for that.

Comment by Karen R. on August 11, 2011 at 1:08am

Stephanie., Carrie, and everyone, here's another poem that I have posted before in this group and others:, written by another mom.

Unless you've lost a child.......then  Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.  A part of us died with our child.  Don't tell us they are in a better place.  They are not here with us, where they belong.  Don't say at least they are not suffering.  We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.  Don't tell us at least we have other children.  Which of your children would you have sacrificed?  Don't ask us if we feel better.  Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.  Don't force your beliefs on us.  Not all of us have the same faith.  Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.  What year would you choose for your child to die?  Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.  Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.  Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.  Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.  No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.  Don't take our anger personally.  We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.  Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.  We are in pain, but not deaf.  Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.  Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.  Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.  We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.  Don't tell us to get on with our lives.  We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.  Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.  Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying  that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those  tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.  Do put your arms around us and hold us.  We need your strength to get us through each day.  Do say you remember our child, if you do.  Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.  Do let us talk about our child.  Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.  Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.  Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.  Cry with us if you want to.  Do remember us on special dates.  Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are  a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.  Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.  We do.  Do show our family that you care.  Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.  Do be thankful for children.  Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.  I gave a copy of this poem to family members to read as some of them had know idea how to talk to us about the loss of our son Dylan

 

 

Comment by Karen R. on August 11, 2011 at 12:05am

Hello Stephanie and everyone. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Myself and others know that devastation all too well, as you will see if read many of our postings. I am still suffering, yes suffering from the loss of my 21 yr old son. My little one was 5 at the time of his passing, she has recently turned 7. She is also devastated. She still gets so teary eyed when she sees a classmate's older brother walking them to school or picking them up after school. She envies that so much. She has been able to articulate her feelings very well from day one of our tragic loss. She had to see a psychologists once a week for about 3 months. So deep in my own grief, it was hard to give her the comfort and encouragement that she needed. She has been the reason that I did not commit suicide. I was so close. I could not deal with the pain. It was hard for me to explain to people that having other children does NOT replace the one that you lost. I would grieve the same for any of my children, unfortunately, it happened to be my oldest son. A couple of days before my son's funeral......wow, still can't believe that he had one of those or that I am even typing that 'word", funeral........my doctor had written a prescription for Valium and sleeping pills, this particular day..one of many, I couldn't take it, I thought my only relief would be to end my life since I felt like it was over anyway. As I was sobbing uncontrollably, my little one began to cry and hold me and she said, " mommy, I know you are always sad and you want to be with your son and the only way you could do that would be for you to die and if that happens mommy, I will die too, because then I won't have a big brother or a mommy anymore!" I found the strength to console her and then I flushed both bottles of pills down the toilet. I would never want to cause her any extra pain. I will NEVER accept being robbed of my son's life. I make a conscious effort to hide my mourning in the presence of my youngest. Most days I can contain it but as soon as she is not near me, it explodes. She talks to her brother everyday. She keeps her favorite picture of him very close to her, she kisses it every night. she keeps a picture of him when he was 6yrs old in her book bag for school.

I know how much you miss your baby, time has NOT "healed" anything for me. Every day that passes makes me feel worst! I repeat this so many times on this site but I will say it again...I am pissed off that the world is going on WITHOUT my son! This will NEVER be "OK"! and I am NOT "OK"!  This is too much to bare and I am not built for this crap!  When i am out in public, I still look for my son, I tell my self that he must be lost somewhere because this is all a nightmare that someone wants me to believe is real. I want my son back!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much for listening

Comment by Carrie Hoskins on August 10, 2011 at 11:39pm

He will definitely know all about them. They both are daily conversation in our house. At one point in time they lived with us and my girls loved Tyler and thought of Tina as a second mother. The girls are always talking about all the wonderful memories we have of them and that helps. I do find comfort in talking about them and keeping them alive in our hearts.

Comment by Carrie Hoskins on August 10, 2011 at 11:34pm

Stephanie, there is nothing i can say that will take away your pain, but I am so sorry for your loss. All you can do is the best you can. Take it one day or one hour or even one minute at a time. Another thing I hate to hear is that it will get better with time. I think that is BS. I don't think the pain ever diminishes, we just get better at hiding it or coping with it. Hugs and prayers to you.

Comment by Karen R. on August 10, 2011 at 11:31pm

That's wonderful that you are honoring her and her son by naming your little guy Tyler. I know how much it must hurt that she won't be a part of his life. Try your best to let him know her and Tyler#1 has best as you can. I guess with pictures and sharing your memories of happy times, so he will know how special they are to you. That sucks! I am so sorry. There are really no comforting words.

Comment by Carrie Hoskins on August 10, 2011 at 11:10pm

Thank you Karen. I am sorry for the loss of your son. I can't imagine the pain you have. I was devastated when Tyler died and I know it was only a drop in the ocean of what Tina felt losing him. I was with her when she found out and I remember falling to the floor with her. My only comfort in her death is that she no longer has to feel that pain, but selfishly I am lost without her. My youngest child, my son was born a month before she was killed and he is named Tyler in honor of her Tyler. She was his God Mother and was so happy when he was born. We had so many plans. He is my only son, I have 4 daughters so I know nothing about boys lol. She was supposed to help me with that.

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