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Comment by Christine Sutton on October 13, 2011 at 2:45pm

Panni....it is good to hear your perspective after some months.. It sounds like time does change things a bit. Living with my parents may be saving my own life, not because I would ever take my own life, but because of the pain emotionally, and my apathy. I already don't want to care for my illness...just because I am consumed wiht the pain. But I have beautiful children. Do you ever feel your husband's presence. I don't mean in "ghost form" but in energy, or through your child...some kind of energy? I long to have some small amount of spirituality back because faith, not related to a specific religion, but faith, was a big part of my essence. It feels sucked out of me. I used to attend the Unitarian Church which takes rituals from most religions to practice spirituality...there is one here and I can't bring myself to even want to attend. Again...thank you. <3

Comment by Christine Sutton on October 13, 2011 at 2:18pm

I am having the hardest time today. Today is exactly thirty days. I just want Steve to come back. I lay and look around me and feel nothing. People here speak of God. I used to believe in God of sorts...my own spirituality was very strong. I did not fear death, and I am not angry at any God. I only feel now there is nothing. Steve is gone into oblivion. He did not do anything wrong, I am alone because of a randomness in the universe. And this makes me feel even more alone. At times I sob, at times I stare, at times I smile to hide this vast nothingness. I suppose all grief is painful, I certainly suppose there is pain which could be worse than losing him, such as losing one of my children. My children are grown or almost grown. So now I am not around them much, I have moved in with my parents. This is good. I am ill with lupus and I know for a fact, on my own I would completely neglect myself and get sicker. I thank the randomness I used to call God I ended up with such parents and wonderful friends. But I do not feel Steve anywhere. I cry and ache for him here...but hurt for the nothingness I have as well for the nothingness I now am sure he has become. Has anyone else experience a loss of faith, in the beginning or now, or at any point during the process of grieving?

Comment by Annette Dominguez on October 13, 2011 at 12:39pm

Thank you all for your kind words. It helps to know that I am not alone in the world of grief. I am just plain weary. I cry out to God continuously. I pray that it will get better. Only He  knows how long this will take. I had a good day yesterday but today is bad. When I am in the midst of all the crying it feels like it will never end. I don't know if anyone else feels this way but it is horrible.

Comment by Louise Nieman on October 4, 2011 at 1:43am

Dear Nadia
There is so much gried in the world. Your story is also very bad. You see my sister broke all contacts with me and my dad about 5 years ago. Then 18 months before she died we passed we picked up pieces again. Had a last holiday together with my brother. I so wish we could have a better relationship, but now its too late. Her daughter is in foster care and I feel she is my responsibility now. She is also 17 years old now. Well I guess God gave me a "daughter" in my sister's place. Thanx for your beautiful message and good luck to you too. I've been to a psyciatrist and the minister of the church, been on anti-depressants BUT at the end only you would find a way to cope through the grief.

Comment by anna l. on October 4, 2011 at 1:38am

I'm really sorry for your grief.  Life is unfair.  I'm struggling with that part too.  Last year my 34 year old son died, and this year my husband.  There are no good explanations for why my son died in his sleep, and why the doctors missed the cancer had came back in my husband is a mystery too.  I dont think we are meant to understand.  I have my other 3 kids and my grandkids to keep me getting up out of bed each day.  Do you have special people in your life you can focus on and who will take the time to spend time with you?  I hope so. Thats what makes it bearable to go on.  I know my husband and son are together but neither of them would want me or anyone else in our family come to be with them until it is truly our time. 

Comment by nadia on October 4, 2011 at 1:32am

Dear Louise

I read your story and feel my tears welling up.. I am so sorry this is so tragic- ia m not sure how or whetehr you can ever go through this... My sister who recebntly passed away at 36 used to tell me she would live to be old.. (she had childhood diabetes) I always absolutely adored here looking after her.. I had planned in my mind adn that late in needed or came to that I would give one my kidneys.. She was my bestest friend my soulmate even though we lived in dif coutnied we were always so close.. I spoke to her on the phone on friday nite she was so happy I was to fly back to greece in a weeks time.. I was ecstatic too. Next day on my name she never called  - I got a call later in the afternoon from my mum .. my wonderful sister had  aheart attack early sat morning and died .. she alone in the flat...called her freinds but did nto get there in time and by the time they broke the doos she was gone... I desperately want her back - four months on and I am still here broken and lonely. sometimes to console my mum I tell her that at least she had a full life she lived life to the full she did not grom wodl to experience the diabetes complications..  that she had managed to cram some many full on experienecs into her 36 years... sometimes these words help a little .. most of the times they do not..

 Maybe your sister left happy she was pursuing the travelling dream...  I want to think of my sister as happy bucant aleays conjure this up.. I see her with the phone in her hadn adn no help around...why didnt. god gave me just one more summer with her.. I had managed to get leave of absenec for a good 3 months and was soooo depserately looking forward to being with her... I spent 3 months of sadness and crying with fmaily in greece.. I am back abroad working like a zombi,,, I hope your sister adn mum are together...I hope if the afterlife is true my sisiter finds sn to love her.. sometimes I so desperately want to be her... my thoughts and tears with you

Comment by Louise Nieman on October 4, 2011 at 12:59am

Life is so unfair.....I am sure everybody here feels the same. My mother died when I was just 17 of cancer. She was just 43years old. My sister and I always had this psycological concern that life stops at 43. We always joked and said we would have big parties when we turn 44 to celebrate that there is life after 43. Then the worst happen......my sister went on a year long trip through Africa. She packed up her whole life, left her 2children behind, said her goodbyes to EVERYBODY and within a month they were on there way. She and a friend. Two weeks into ths trip she turned 42 and two weeks later she had a quadbike accident in the Dunes of the Namib dessert close to Walvisbay in Namibia. She was in hospital for 7 days, discharged and ready to proceed on this trip. Two days later she collapsed. They were at the skeleton coast. No doctors no help!!!!!!! Her friend manage to get her to a clinic.they frantically phoned the SOS emergency unit to pick her up with a helicopter as her condition was critical. They never arrived and a few hours later my sister died in the ambulance, 5min away from the hospital. How do you ever get over this. It was a rough year since she passed. My heart still aches a lot. Sometimes I am angry that she and my mom now have the priveledge to be together whilst I have to stay behind with all the difficulties!!!!

Comment by christianlee on October 3, 2011 at 6:23pm

Im sorry for your pain Annette. You are not alone.

Comment by anna l. on October 3, 2011 at 2:31pm

Annette I will add prayers for you for sure.  My house is also empty and alone.  Last night my son and his family came for dinner.  It was the first time I have had any company since my sister went home on Sept 19th.  She was here for 2 weeks and I got used to having someone to say goodnight to, and to wake up to in the morning.  It was nice.  Do you have any family you could ask to come stay with you for a little holiday?  Or a good friend?  I hope so and I hope you think about doing that.  In the meantime your friends here will pray for you and send you our support. 

Comment by Kandi Broussard on October 3, 2011 at 1:29pm

Annette, I'm so sorry.  I will pray for you. I can't tell you that the horrible emptiness will pass soon but I certainly hope that it does.  I struggle with my grief, daily, still. 

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