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Comment by Christine Sutton on November 20, 2011 at 8:22am

Hello... in the last few months I lost acess to this site and my computer, which was sadly hacked into at the WORST time. In any case, I started here three weeks after Steve died unexpectedly in is sleep at 49 of still unknown causes. I  just hit the two month mark point. I relate to what someone here said about feeling like the full shock wore off somewhere around that time. I am living with my mom for a while now. I found myself sobbing all day one day, more than I had yet. I could not accept his death, but I also knew it was real. The realness was overwhelming to me. I kept sobbing and asking my mom to bring him back. As a matter of fact, I am 45 years old, and was saying "mommy please bring him back, please" over and over. It was a terribly overwhelming day. I have spent days since with anxiety that it will just return. I do know that shock and depression comes and goes in waves. However, someone here said it takes 8 months for the shock to fully leave. Last week went to a group run by hospice because my 90 year old grandfather also passed this month (this was a long term illness and my grief came a long time ago because we had lost "him" to the illness first) Hospice really helped in the repeated assurance that there is no one way grief works. There is no marker for grief. It may be 8 months for shock to leave for one person, and 4 weeks for another. It may come back a year later when facing something is hard. The main point was, while sharing similar experiences is extremely helpful, it is important not to measure other people's responses in terms of time with your own, there are no time expectations in grief. I hope I carried that message well...it came from Hospice not me :)

Comment by Christine Sutton on November 20, 2011 at 8:19am

I am sorry that post was so long... I missed this group when I had no access to my computer...I also thought hospice has such a good message even for those of us who did not have knowege of an impending death..I hope most people don't get tired of reading the post less than half way through.....haha  :(

Comment by Robin Jone on November 18, 2011 at 10:36pm

Zach's accident was on September 3rd, I can't believe it has been almost three months. In some ways it feels like it just  happened yesterday, I relive the nightmare in my head. I have already gone through having my birthday with out him there. We tried to change things up and not do the usual birthday celebration but we had to have something, I knew my 5  yr. old granddaughter, would want me to, so we just did it on a different day and just made it lunch. It didn't help, I don't know why I thought that would help but it didn't. I still missed him so much. We are still having Thanksgiving at our house, like always, having a friend of Zach's over and his friend's Mom. I know I have to get through this, for my daughters, for my granddaughters, for my husband, but some days I just want to curl up in a ball. I don't though I keep putting one foot in front of the other. It helps though when you read someones comment, like anna, and she made it through and was able to make new memories with her grandkids. That is why this site helps, thank  you all for being here. I pray for all of us who are suffering a loss and that we get through one moment at a time. Hugs and prayers to all.

Comment by anna l. on November 18, 2011 at 4:18pm

It has been 4 months for me and I know all to well the feeling when shock and denial turns to reality and pain.  For me it was around the 2 month mark.  I live in Canada and so Thanksgiving was in October.  I really did not feel up to it but my grandkids had lost so much when they lost their papa.  He was a very involved papa, taking the kids with him from the time the oldest was still in diapers he would take her on feild trips.  I felt I needed to show them that family and traditions could still feel ok, so I dug deep and did it.  Afterwards I was so very thankful I had.  I also know if I had avoided Thanksgiving there is no way I would have been able to be even a little ok with Christmas.  When I think about all the family get togethers, shopping, decorating, cooking to come and I feel overwhelmed doing it alone, I think to myself, you got through Thanksgiving, you can do this.  And when I think back to Thanksgiving instead of thinking how lonely it was, how much it hurt to not have my husband (and my son who died 20 months ago) I remember getting beat at basketball by my 10 and 11 year old grandsons, and my almost 16 year old granddaughter saying I am what she is thankful for, that I have always been there for her since she was born and how grateful she is that I am her Nana.  My thoughts are with those who are getting ready for a holiday and need to find strength.  I hope every one of you have good memories of it when it is done to make the effort worthwhile.

Comment by Barbara Santoli on November 18, 2011 at 2:42pm

I think after 3 months the shock is starting to wear off and the reality is here. As the holidays approach I feel like I have no strength or will to push on. Today I should have gone to the grocery store but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was one more thing we would have done together. It was my choice to have Thanksgiving here and I know it will be hard for my children but there are just too many things that I will never do again and this couldn't be one of them. But as it approaches I feel like I have no strength. My thoughts are with all of us who will get through all the firsts which I am sure will be the hardest.

Comment by Kathy Felps on November 11, 2011 at 6:58pm

I am so sorry for your loss Farida. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Comment by Sandra LaBonte on November 11, 2011 at 6:51pm

I'm so very sorry for you Farida, I wish I had words for you. This is such a painful struggle. I will be thinking of your daughter.

Comment by farida narain on November 11, 2011 at 6:46pm

It's been one year since my precious daughter was killed in a collision .  Today marks the day we scattered her ashes in the Yukon river.  The pain of losing her is stil extremely unbearable.  I know that I will never recover from the tragedy that happened on the evening of the 4th Nov.2010.  One year of grieving has transformed me into an emotional wreck.  I find it very difficult to go on each day and I cry most of the time.  Only God knows why he took my darling child so soon.  We all have to bear the same pain of losing our loved ones and we can relate to ech other's bitter experience of sudden taumatic loss.  As we try to move on with our lives I will keep everyone in my prayers too.

Comment by Kathy Felps on November 8, 2011 at 9:02am

I know exactly how you feel with the holidays and special occasions coming up. My brother hasn't even been gone a month yet! The only thing I know to do is to wrap myself in my family and friends love and care. They will get me through. Maybe try to think outside the box and volunteer at a shelter or run/walk a 5K in your loved ones' honor. Also anytime someone ask you to do something, just do it! I almost canceled my godson's 21st bday on Sunday because I ws feeling down. But once I got there, boy was I happy I went. Do this at your pace but remember YOU have to keep living. It may sound selfish but it is what our loved ones would have wanted for us!

Comment by Kandi Broussard on November 8, 2011 at 8:53am

It's a painful process, I'm afraid.  I was in shock for at least 8 months after my mom was killed.  The next phase of my grief was much worse than shock.  I don't know how you get through it, somehow you just do

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