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Comment by dream moon JO B on May 4, 2012 at 3:27pm

i keep on crying every day for my dad i just want him back we just got him bac home after his stroke the and a harf later bac in hospitl then died iv now got a fobia of hospitl wards and how do you help pets wen they r greaving i keep on bying my dad his favert sweets thn takuing thm home i keep on still hearing his oxging machine going anf his nebulizer maching going i som tims hear his voise to remind me on to take my inalers they taste that arful i no iv got to takr them wen he died i feel like part of me died to my mums so depresset i dont no how to help her

Comment by Lynne M. on May 2, 2012 at 10:01pm

I unexpectedly lost my husband a little over a month ago and decided that I really needed to consider an online support group/site of some kind.  I had looked for local support groups but I couldn't find one that was held at a time convenient for me to attend, due to my work schedule.  I have been reading the posts and comments and so many of them mirror what I've been going through - especially the feelings of being unsafe, of having difficulty staying asleep and the sense of feeling overwhelmed and lost somehow.  The initial shock is beginning to wear off somewhat and now the ongoing feelings of grief and loss are my constant companion.  Everything feels so alien, including my own home.  I'm finding that I'm having to "re-claim" the spaces and the rooms and to find some way to feel comfortable here again, since I'd inhabited these spaces with my husband for so many years.  Anyway, I hope that being here will be helpful to me and, so far, just reading about others who are going through the same thing has been useful.  My heart goes out to all of you...to all of us. 

Comment by Bonnie Elizabeth Fleming on April 7, 2012 at 11:20pm

Kim,

It usually isn't difficult to find out about Dr's Kim....it might still be a route to the information for you, itr would just take a little research.  Do youu know what hospital he was treated at?  Find yourself a good librarian in your home town and ask them to help you research what happened to your brother.  They will have the research skills you need to help guide you through the process. 

Alternatively you might approach a relative...an aunt you're close to...or a grandparent...and ask them what the deal is.

 

Closure is hard, particularly when you were young when it all happened.  I am on this list for another reason, but I experienced a situation similar to yours back when I was a child....which is why I was so touched by the doctor I worked for helping that other girl come to some closure about her situation.  I was 10 when my favorite person in the world died.  She was my grandma...and she died suddenly and hadn't even been sick to anyone's memory of the situation.  My parents were no help in answering all my WHY questions, it seemed they were too messed up about it all to ever ask the questions my little mind wanted to know about the situation.  Gran had been my caretaker pretty much since birth, she was my comfort, my mother figure...where both parents were always stand-offish, this Gran was so affectiionate, so huggy, so ready to cuddle. She was the only person my little 10 year old mind KNEW loved me completely.  When she died I got seriously messed up because there was absolutely no closure.  I know exactly how you feel, exactly what it is like to have those nagging wonders that won''t go away.  When I got up old enough....I researched it myself.  Gran died of a burst pancreas...undiagnosed, massively uncontrolled type 2 diabetes caused it.  So no, I don't think you're being over-dramatic.  I think you just need to know, you need to find a way to understand something that changed your entire world.  I get it because I've been there.  I think it is only natural for us to grieve that which we do not know...death is hard enough to understand, hard enough to reason away in your mind.  Not knowing the why's and wherefore's can drive you nuts if you let it.  Don't let it.  In my world arming myself with the knowledge of exactly what happened to my Gran that took her away so quickly gave me the closure I needed to finally fully accept that she was indeed gone.  I still don't like that Gran died and that both my parents were never quite the same after it haopened and that my whole world was so traumatically changed after it happened...but now I understand why she died and my mind is at last at rest about that aspect of things.

 

you hang in there..

Love

Beth

Comment by Kim on April 7, 2012 at 8:05pm

Beth,

I am not still seeing the same Doctor...  I don't know who cared for my brother when he was ill...  I do know that we did not see the same doctors...  I thank you for you comment...  It is nice to know that people still care and don't think that I'm being over-dramatic...

 

Love,

Kim

Comment by Bonnie Elizabeth Fleming on April 6, 2012 at 10:17am

Kim,

Are you by any chance still going to the same physician/pediatrician who was the caretaker for both your brother and you when you were children and your brother was ill?  I am asking because I used to work at a Dr.'s office and one day a child she'd been caring for since birth asked for an appointment time.  We made the appointment and asked her what she'd be talking with the doctor about so we could let the doctor know what her issues were.  All she would say is that she had some questions.  We gave her one of the 10 minute question asking periods with the doctor.  Turns out that her situation was similar to yours...her sibling had died several years before and this doctor was the doctor who had signed the death certificate.  The girl couldn't talk to her parents because both were unresponsive and deeply disturbed everytime she had tried to ask questions and yet she was still confused and messed up about what had gone on with her sibling's death.  The doctor was able to fill the girl in on many things that had been disturbing her--they took a lot more time than just the 10 minute appointment we'd given her, but when the young woman came out you could tell she was relieved, she mentioned she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.  Perhaps you could see if something like this would help--a talk with one of the doctors who cared for your brother during his final illness?  Doctors are usually compassionate people who will understand that you just need some closure and that it is closure that your parents aren't emotionally able to give you.

 

Meanwhile...talk to us, let us all be your someone to talk to.  None of us on here will exactly have the right answers for you to gain any certainty about your brother's illness--but we will all be able to understand what it feels like to lose someone you love and to be clueless about how it could ever have happened.

 

Love

Beth

Comment by Kim on April 5, 2012 at 7:50pm

Ten years ago, my little brother died.  I was seven and he was four.  I knew he was ill but at my age I never really understood the serverity of his sickness.  Even after he passed away, I don't really think I understood what happened.  It's so confusing and I wish I understood what happened when I was younger because I have so many questions and not enough answers.  I don't talk to my parents about his death because it just upsets them.  I can't talk to my friends because they don't understand.  I feel so very alone all the time.  I'm confused about my feelings because his death took place so very long ago.  I just wish I had someone to talk to.

Comment by Robin Jone on April 4, 2012 at 6:59am

I want to thank all of you for writing all the wonderful suggestions that you have written for Rachel. My son, Zach, died 7 months ago yesterday and it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. I have been having a really hard time the last week or so especially. I really like all the suggestions Bonnie has written. I have been pushing myself to exercise and that does help a little. I also like the suggestion of writing down your feelings and letting your grief and your anger out that way. Rachel, my husband has also been diagnosed with clinical depression. He has been put on medication and is going to talk to a counselor weekly, that seems to be helping him quite a bit. For me I like talking on here or going to a group called Compassionate Friends, I am more comfortable in group settings. Please get help immediately, you are important and worth it. Sometimes it helps me if I just take it one minute at a time. Big hugs to all. Robin

Comment by christianlee on April 3, 2012 at 6:56pm

Rachel. U are not alone. Reach out to us. People want to help you. Look in ur local phone book for help.

Comment by Bonnie Elizabeth Fleming on April 3, 2012 at 4:26pm

Hi Rachel,

Depression is so difficult when it is mixed up and entertwined with grief.  I know for me it has been invaluable to have a counselor...and the counselor is really the only person I feel like I can talk to about my loss without feeling overwrought with guilt about burdening someone else with my problems.  Seeking help can be different in different places.  ER's and hospitals will have access to crisis hotlines, but you might also just look at the front of your telephone book because sometimes they have crisis hotline telephone numbers that you can call that have people that are trained to help you.  Another place to look or contact is find the local K-Love station in your area, they have people who will speak with you and pray with you 24 hours a day if you are troubled.  I know that listening to positive radio or positive music also helps me out--not breakup love songs, in other words, but instead something peppy, upbeat...positive messages.  Another thing that helps distract me is going out to walk.  I've been walking and walking....I need the exercise, of course, but I'm walking more to keep my mind from cycling through all the "I miss this" or "I wish I could say" that messages that seem to be a normal part of the grieving process.  I also find that writing helps me immensely.  Once I've written down what I'm upset or sad about it feels almost like it is cleansed from my system.  I have hundreds of 'I'm so angry and upset that this had to happen this way" letters to God you wouldn't believe!  I also try to make myself think about the things that I am grateful for while I walk...and then I try to also write down the things I'm grateful for as well.  Someone once said it is impossible to be depressed if you focus your thoughts on what you're grateful for....I don't know if that is quite true or not, but I do find that taking grateful walks and writing grateful thoughts helps me feel less alone.  We all get depressed, and that would be my last thng to add to you...don't feel alone, you have a whole world of us out here who are going through similar things and we understand your pain and we understand grief very intimately because it is happening to us right now as well.  You are NOT alone.

Love

Beth

Comment by Amanda Ab on April 3, 2012 at 12:53pm

Hi Rachel. We all have had depressed days and feel like giving up hope. But you must try to reach out for help. Please see a doctor or request a therapist. We at times feel so overwhelmed with grief and pain that we must hear it from others who care for us, that we need to get professional help. Please reach out and Take Very Good Care of yourself. We all here care for each other, and are like a family who listen and care.

Amanda

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