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Comment by Kitty Peine on September 6, 2012 at 8:11am

 I have a long time "friend" that I found out is a fair-weather friend. I now use the term ‘friend’ loosely when speaking of her.

On the other hand, I have a friend that will listen to me. But she does redirect me after a while. It is good because I do need to entertain other thoughts and subjects. I don’t want to deny my grief, but I don’t want to wallow either. There is a fine line there and only I know where that is. And I have to honor that. The friend that can understand and honor that and the battle you are going through is a treasure.

I do need to live. I have no choice but to begin to enjoy life again. But I don't 'move on' without Kevin or Craig, I bring the best of them with me. I would rather enjoy them and the memories and all they mean to me. It is also what they would want for me. I believe I do this for them as well as me. I believe I am doing this for them because I am not tying their spirits to me by them having to stay and 'take care' of me. They get to fly and enjoy their new lives. I know they will never forget me or ‘leave’ me. They have the ultimate goal. They are in Heaven. They have the best. I need to be happy for them. Don't get me wrong, I still have my selfish moments, but I am trying to do what I believe is best for them and me and ultimately the rest of my family and friends. It is hard for them to watch me hurt.

I will love them always and they will always love me and we will hug again.

Some people just can’t handle it. That is just the way it is. And you're right, this site and these friends are exactly where you can vent all you want.

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 5, 2012 at 4:19pm

I agree about that Kitty, it just bothers me sometimes because I want to talk about her at times, and some people just roll their eyes or change the subject..I tried talking about her this morning to her mom, and she wasn't having that, she changed the subject as quick as she could. I wish my faith was strong, I think I'm in the bitter stage. I'm not mad at God for taking her, I'm just mad that there is not one person in my contact list that I could vent to except my therapist! I have to say that this online group support has helped some!:)

Comment by dream moon JO B on September 5, 2012 at 2:38pm

u ar rite at wot u say kitty just i no sum people dont care wot thy say to people i all ways thort if u cant say any thng nise to people dont say any thng at all my granmotha tort me tht yrs agoid ratha hav people aliv with us thn money any day i even got told i woz evil for sayin tht but to me people is more inpotenend thn money having people u luv to me is a gift from god its wen thy r taking away from u it hurts the most i just hope 1 day wen its my turn i will get to hevan and meat thm but im still worid in case i go to the bad plase

Comment by Kitty Peine on September 5, 2012 at 10:32am

the emptiness can be overwhelming.

Those who say 'get over it now' or 'what's done is done' do not realize what it is like to lose a loved one. It took a while for me to realize that I am actually happy for them that they can believe what their advice is to us. That means they haven't gone through the pain that we have. I have said from the beginning I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. That conviction is put to the test when I have to listen to someone say 'you should be over that by now.' They don't get it. It makes me angry that I, overwhelmed in grief, have to 'understand' where they are coming from.

I hope I am making any sense here. :)

Jennifer-thank you for your kind words. I am only as strong as my faith. I am just glad my faith is so strong otherwise I have no idea where I would be now. I believe I would be very bitter. But I will see them again....so.....

Here I am and forward I go! With God's help, one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, but forward none-the-less.

 

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 5, 2012 at 10:16am

Kali, I went to a group(not for grief but for everyday problems) and I got told that it is what is is so I'm done with them. I understand that they are gone and can't do nothing about it but it still hurts like hell. I'm not going to look for another one because I fear of hearing the phrase, 'Get over it and let it go.' I hear that enough with my family! Kitty, I can't imagine what you have been through, it's not suppose to be like that-people losing their kids. I always thought the grandparents would go first, then the parents, and so fourth but I realized that's not how it all works out. That's exactly where I'm at, it's like, I know I wouldn't bring them back even if I could, I just wish that the pain would lesson. I'm still at the point where when I think about memories, at first I smile, but then I start to balling like a child because then I realize that she's gone and the emptiness is just so strong!

Comment by dream moon JO B on September 5, 2012 at 9:30am

i no how u feal kali iv had the same promerlim with frends not speaking to u and iv had the sam coments as u iv bean told the same im selfish get over it iv bean told even sertin people in the family said iv bean selfish as well get over it foget he exsiseted but i cant u soon relize sum peole hav no fealing at all 

Comment by Kitty Peine on September 5, 2012 at 6:57am

My 9 yr old son was killed in 1990. My 34 yr old son was killed jan 2012. I can tell you only how it is for me.

The pain never goes away,but it does lessen and is not quite so debilitating.

The pain of grief will always take you down, but the down time gets shorter and not quite so painful.

You learn to live with the hole in your soul.

There are memories that will hurt to enjoy. but you will enjoy them and you will thank God for those memories. You will, someday, smile with the memories…even laugh.

Someone asked me if I knew then, what I know now, the pain of Craig’s or Kevin's crossing over, would I want to give birth to him again.   Without a second thought, I answered “In a heartbeat.”

And when you hear of another parent losing a child, you will hurt all over again, for them and yourself.

I saw a plaque that read “If tears could build a stairway, and           memories a lane, I’d walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again.” Actually, I don’t wish that. He has the ultimate goal ~Heaven. Why would I wish him down on this earth again? But it took me a long time to get to that point. And it doesn’t mean I want any of my other boys to die either!

People think it hurts me if they mention something they remember      about Craig. Quite the contrary! I love that people haven’t               forgotten. And that story they have is more of Craig’s life that I didn’t have before. Their stories are very precious gifts to me.

At Craig’s wake, when someone who I knew had lost a child, came      through the line, I hugged them harder and longer because they knew...

 ..….they knew…..

 

Comment by A. Buyten on September 4, 2012 at 10:07pm

I'm almost a year with the loss of my babe. For me, most of the time I feel the emptiness ( except when I feel her). There are definitely cycles, I understand that. Some easy, some hard. Hope that all out there have people in your daily life situations and have support!

Comment by Kali Grainger on September 4, 2012 at 10:02pm

Ya it sucks that that happens... My best friend quit talking to me after Chris' accident and told me I was being selfish. I think it happens to everyone... some people just don't know how to react towards someone who is grieving and are uncomfortable with death and all it entails.  Have you looked into a support group?

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 4, 2012 at 9:44pm

I'm thinking that too- that we just become numb to it! It's been seven months for me and it feels as if it just happened yesterday. I miss her so much, and she was the only one that I truly had that cared..everyone has seemed to vanish now that she's gone. It's like a lot of people don't care that people hurt when they lose someone!

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