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Comment by Jim Eginoire on December 25, 2010 at 11:10pm

Kelly, 

The pain is unbearable by yourself.  I can't know how bad it is to lose a child, but what you describe is how I felt when I lost Nanette in September.  There will always be a giant hole in my heart that no one or anything can ever fill, but I have to carry on for my daughter and son and two grandsons.  And that is what she would expect.  I don't have a clue what Taylor would want you to do, so I won't pretend to know.  Just know that you are not alone in your pain and there are many who care because we have lost someone and feel like you.   I am a devout born again Christian and I felt like you, but that is also what got me out of bed each day and still does.  The grace of God and the power of prayer from hundreds and maybe thousands of other people.  You now can find that strength to live if you just accept it.  I will pray for you everyday.

Comment by Kelly on December 25, 2010 at 10:41pm

Ok....this is the first Christmas without my precious daughter Taylor...she was struck by a vehicle on Oct 30th and passed away due to brain injuries on Nov 1st...she was 16....I hate life...the driver wasn't charged and I would rather die then live without Taylor...we decided to NOT really celebrate the holidays....I do have a 19yr old son so we did buy him a gift...we went to the cemetary today I miss Taylor...I told her when she was in the coma that I would join her soon...I know that suicide is not the answer but I am dying inside...the pain is too intense for me and to watch everyone else go thru it...I love Taylor

Comment by Jim Eginoire on December 14, 2010 at 9:03am

Sylvia,

I lost Nanette on September 26th.  She died when her medications reached their peak strenghts at the same time.  She had an empty stomach and Chocolate was included as part of the cause. 

The hardest part of the day for me is going to and from work, especially going home.  There is that natural thought that she will be there when I walk in the door, and that is when the reality hits me and I just sink. 

This Sunday it will be 12 weeks since I lost her and although the intense pain is still there, at least it isn't constant like it was for two full months.

I am blessed in that our 21 year old daughter moved back home so at least we are not alone and have each other to lean on when the pain is too much to bear alone.

God bless you and give you His peace at this time and from now on.

Comment by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 11:10am

Oh Kelly, I feel just like you do. This all so sad. I feel like I can never have any "joy" in my life. People say to me how can I say that when I have other children. having other children, does NOT replace the won you lost. I don't go to parties or concerts and I will only listen to the 2 favorite artists that my son loved, I will simply turn the radio off. I used to love all kinds of music and to dance. I dont think that I will ever dance again.  Sometimes your grief over takes you to the point where you don't want to "mommy" any more. Sometimes I wish that I never had any children because I would have been spared from this kind of pain. I get so furious when when I hear someone complain that they have a headache. I tell them that they do NOT have a headache, my son had a headache...he had a severe traumatic head injury that caused his demise.....that's a headache! I physically attacked my husband one day when he complained to me about he had a headache, I went crazy. It took him a good hour to calm me down. Later, I did apologize. I am NOT "ok" with this.

Comment by Kelly on December 10, 2010 at 11:42pm

Hi Karen...I totally understand the guilt you feel I am racked with guilt from simple things such as eating cause my Taylor can't to sleeping, I just want to die...although I am not suicidal I not going to hurt myself...I just pray to not wake up everyday I want to be with her where ever that is...

Comment by Karen R. on December 10, 2010 at 5:48pm

Hi, Steacy.  How sorry I am to hear about another tragedy. I have not lost a parent so I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. Losing some one that you cherish and love is one of the most difficult things you may face in life. I just thought in my life time, I would NEVER experience it.  I know that people mean well when they tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty....but I do, I cant help it.  I took my son for granted, I just thought that he would always be here and that tragedies always happen to someone else. I would give anything just to hear his voice again. I am tormented with the thoughts of him being afraid and angry at the same brfore he actually passed away. My imagination runs wild. I have NO peace. It may sound irrational to some but sometimes I think he did this to me to "get" me back. Sometimes I think he gave up fighting to survive, I begged him not to leave me. I love him so much and I hope that he really knows that. My heart and my spirit will forever be broken.

Comment by steacy del valle on December 9, 2010 at 5:52pm

dear karen i know what you mean about regret. my mom died going on 7 months now she was shot by her ex-boyfriend and its the worst pain i have had to deal with. mymom and i use toargue alot because of that guy because i didnt like him and he sure as hell didnt like me either and we would constantly fight and i remember one time we were arguing and she really hurt my feelings and she told me that if she were to die i better not cry at her funneral and i anrgliy said i wont and that was when i was 17 and my mom died when i was 20 not much of a distance. and for some reason after she died thats all i kept thinking about and i felt so bad because now she is dead and i cant stop crying and feeling guilty for all the things i said to her and all the time we spent arguing for that asshole and he ends up killing her and all i keep thinking is how messed up like can be. i use to think i hated my mom forchooing him before me and nowi just realize now how lost i feel with out her and i miss her so much that i get so depressed and it is only now that ima parent i know how she felt for me

Comment by Karen R. on December 7, 2010 at 2:55pm

..Back in October 2009, my 21 yr old was riding his friend's motorcycle down a residential street when he was rammed into another car. Thank God the occupants of that car were not seriously hurt but unfortunately, my son sustained a massive brain injury and he passed away a week later. My whole life changed in an instant, nothing could ever prepare a parent for this kind of nightmare. My faith has been weakened but not totally destroyed. I begged God to spare my son and take me in his place if necessary. For God's sake, he is ONLY 21yrs old! He is someone's son, someone's brother, someone's grandson, someone's nephew, someone's cousin and someone's friend. He had a life! He went to work everyday, he was so full of life, a life that he fully enjoyed. No, he was not perfect, none of us are but he was a good kid. There were a few things we did not always agree with but I realize now that I had to let him be his own person. I have so much guilt now about some of the petty things we argued about. His passion, the thing he loved the most was his music. He had always saved his little pennies since the day he was old enough to work. He bought his first expensive keyboard and taught himself to play. He mastered it, he had a gift. He slowly bought other expensive equipment like a mixing board until he basically had everything for his own recording studio. He loved to make original beats/tracks. His dream was to become a big music producer.His favorite artist of all time was Michael Jackson, he was devastated when he passed away, who knew that he would meet the same fate in a few months. He always said that Michael was a "MUSICAL GENIUS" and that he too would be the next musical genius....producer wise.
I long to hear him say "hey mom, it's me, I'm home" or hey mom what is ther to eat, I'm starving". I wish I could yell at him now for coming in late or playing his music too loud. My son's famous saying was" relax, it's not that serious". He said that every time I complained about something. We had war over him riding his friend's bike. The day that he was critically injured, was only his 2nd time on the bike! I had warned him that they were NOT safe, I reminded him of our neighbor who was killed on his motorcycle when he was also in his 20s and what do you think my son said to me...." relax, it's not that serious". I wish he would have listened to me and everyone in our family that warned him not to ride. I literally begged him with tears not to ever ride it again after I had first witnessed him ride it out of our next door neighbor's driveway. I even went as far to say that he could ride AFTER my funeral all he wanted but until then, keep your ass off of that bike. My son crashed after being chased 3 days after that! I felt like I passed away with my son. I was so angry with my self, I thought that maybe I failed him because I didnt convince him to stay off the bike. I was angry with God because I begged for another chance for my son, I would have done anything to have his life spared. I felt like why does God allow these things to happen, why does he let a mother's heart become permanently broken. My son needed a miracle. I felt like I was being punished. When I was told that there was nothing else they could do for him, I remember screaming " this is MY son, do something, I am begging you"! I will never forget trying to get my son to respond to me, if he could only whisper, or hold my hand or give me a hug. NOTHING, only silence, I picked up his arms to place over my shoulders and I begged him to hug me back......nothing! His arms just dropped to his sides. I desparately tried to wake him......NOTHING! Then I was told by family members that we had to leave. I had been there a whole week with my son in ICU(intensive care unit). Family would bring me clothes and food that they food force me to eat.. I slept in a chair at his bedside. I want my son back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Karen R. on December 7, 2010 at 2:47pm

Greetings Peggy, I am sorry that you too are a member of this 'club'. I too am suffering the loss of my 21yr old son 14 months ago. My heart still burns with sadness as if it just happened today. I hope that one day we will all find a sense of peace because this can be unbearable. Karen R.

Comment by Peggy Jeanine Woody on December 6, 2010 at 9:41pm

My name is Peggy, and I lost my 41 year old son on April 30, 2010. About 18 years ago, he had an accident that cost him both of his feet. We didn't know if he would make it at all. I wanted to stay at the hospital, but, my husband had to work the next day and I had a 10 year old son at home who needed to go to school. The only way I could leave was to assure myself that my trust was in God. I could have stayed, but it took faith for me to leave. Due to that accident, he became a bi-lateral amputee with one above the knee and one below. He had terrible phantom pain from the moment of impact until he went to be with the Lord. Dr's. told me that it was the memory of impact as he lost them at the scene of the accident. The hospital transfused him since he lost so much blood. The year was 1992 and the month was January. There was no test for hep C prior to April of 1992. He contracted Hep C. from the blood that saved his life. He lived 18 years with that paim, and was under the care of Dr's. at the V. A. He passed away on April 30, 2010, 8 days after his 41st. birthday. He had a massive coronary and passed instantly. It was such a shock. The only thing I really remember was screaming NO, NO, NO!!!!!! all the way to his apt. I miss him terrily, but I would never bring him back to the pain that held him captive for 18 years. It has been hard on our family, I have a younger son who lived with Shawn, and his life was totally disrupted. He became very angry at all of the family. He will talk with me, but hadn't seen his sister until Thanksgiving day.

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