Comment

Comment by Semary Rose on June 26, 2011 at 7:32pm

Hello new members.  I hope you find some support here.

Comment by Ruth on June 26, 2011 at 3:16pm

Hello everyone,  I have been reading comments here for about 2 weeks and am so thankful for all the posts.  You are all special in the ways you are honoring your loved ones but I especially wanted to thank Karen R for her comments around June 3 and Annette as well.  My father's murderer was his upstairs neighbor and as my dad was moving in, on the first day, the first time I saw this man, my safety radar went off.  I told our teenage sons/helpers to stop talking about Daddy while we were unloading even.  Less than 6 months later, he killed my dad for what he had in his wallet.  We had tried to get my dad to move in with us; there were a couple weird incidents that made us try harder, but he was very healthy and independent, so we didn't follow through.  Rationally we know we're not responsible but we grieve for SO MUCH and these thoughts just make it even worse. 

 

I should back up and say we didn't know for 3 1/2 years who did this horrible thing but were called to a meeting by the police last month.  At the meeting 6 pm on a Monday we found out they had arrested this man at 1 pm.  His arrest and bail hearing set the bond at a million cash and this Thurs. is his preliminary hearing.  Today has been an ok day but many, many days are touch and go.  It has helped that we have all our family support back in place because for 3 1/2 years the police had never ruled us out to each other.  Please keep us in your thoughts Thursday and before that, as we will have to have meetings with the State Special Prosecutor as well.

Comment by Semary Rose on June 25, 2011 at 7:56pm

I feel like we are all part of some horrific club--members only.  I find myself saying "I'm doing fine" to the outsiders now, too.  They really do not have a clue and I do not want any of them to get a clue either, because it requires such a loss.  These outsiders are people I love so dearly, but they just don't get it and if I vent to them, I feel really bad about it--like I am "Debbie Downer" from SNL.  Grief is a lonely place, but thank goodness for places like this.

Comment by mercy on June 25, 2011 at 12:58pm

Karen; I'm so sorry. I know that physical pain you are experiencing all too well. I get pains in my chest sometimes and my digestion is a total wreck. Its true people mean well but they don't understand that even if our minds can appreciate the fact that our loved ones are no lobnger in pain, our hearts are bleeding and we want them here in pain or not. My life without mom is so empty. Just knowing I won't see her or hug here or talk to her again is almost unbearable. Now when people outside our support group ask me how I'm doing, I say fine since I feel like they really cannot grasp the magnitude of pain we are experiencing. I thank you all for your support. I would feel lost without a place like this.

Comment by Donna Gauthier on June 25, 2011 at 2:51am

Karen R and Semary Rose
After goingg on and reading your other post. And after reading them it seems you are saying you had to make the decison if you would allow them to pull the plug. That must be a terrible thing to have to do. I know when my mother became very ill they needed to pull the plug on her because the doctor's felt she was suffering and was not going to make it all she was going to do is suffer. So my brother had to make that decision. He could not even tell my other brother and myself what he had done. But like I told him when he told me. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to and that it was still ok and I love him. But he was very worried I would hate him. I know last Sept. I had to give them permission to put my son into a coma because his organs were shutting down. And that was even hard to do. I am sure it would have been pulled from life support knowing I would not see him alive again. But now I know that it was the begining of the end.I am so sorry for both of you looseing them that way.
I was just so surprized to find him dead. He just had 3 units of blood. And they thought everything was ok. The doctors were shocked to get the news. I was very surprized to find him gone. We both went to bed at 2:00am or 3:00 am because he went up to the register to get smokes.And he came home and had one and we went to bed. And by morning he was gone, But he looked very peaceful. And didn't apear to have suffered.
You say you question why God does the things he does. Why bad things happen. Why does God take away loved things or people. I cannot answer that myself. And I have the same questions. There are so many unfair things that happened in my life and my sons. I have been very sick and in pain since I was 12 years old. Missing so very much of life. And poor Adam spent the last 7 years of his life very sick and in pain in and out of the hospital having all kind of tests like bone marrow biopsies ect. And why did God take him away from me knowing I really have no one eles. Then I think how it wasn't really fair to keep him whole for me.And to make him suffer. I know you said your son was in a coma. You said you were worried about him being in pain.I to had that worry. Maybe in your case with his head injury he wasn't going to come out of it some how and he would have bad damage and would have bad damage making it hard to go on.Even though that still would not explane the begining. I know one thing I still belive in the devil so that kind of explanes things a little.Or the getting bitten by a poision spider.I don't know I guess I am just rambleing. So I had better go I am not seeing things well. Sorry if I upset you in any way. Good night.

Comment by Donna Gauthier on June 25, 2011 at 1:06am

 Comment by Donna G

Thank you so much for your greetings. I am also sorry for your loss. I felt I needed to find a group that would understand what I am going through. Everyone else that I know just don't understand what it is like. Being left totaly alone in one breath. And not have a life to go back to. Because with his and my illnesses we were each others rock. Being there when each other needed something and shareing everything. That way everyone could have there own lives. And we would not have to bother anyone. But now he's gone and it seem's everyone's shock has worn off. And the things I need (the doctors the store the pharmacy) are just a problem. Leaving me to figure out how to do those things if my aid cannot.It is so hard being a burdon to the one's you love's life. But I do understand they have thier families. But What am I to do. I am not to drive so I gave them the care. Now I am kind of sorry. I can drive to the doctors and they could come out and get like the many times I had to go when he was in the hospitals so many times.

  I just wonder if I will ever get some kind of a life back. I can't seem to even feel. I can't even cry or laugh I just don't seem to feel. I wonder if I will ever do that again.like I have managed to do so many times. This time I just don't feel like my life will ever come back. Ever since my husband left for my friend. I seem to loose more and more in my life. There are so many people and things that are now gone. I seem to have to now replace things because even everyday things are gone. I just don't know how to make this work. I think it hurts worse than my divorce and looseing my husband felt. But this seems to hurt so much more.

 E-mail if and when you want. I shirly need someone to either e-mail or just to ramble to.

Thank You Donna

Comment by Karen R. on June 24, 2011 at 10:27pm

Greetings Donna, I am so sorry to see that someone else has joined this sad club! So sorry for the loss of your dear son. I am still suffering from the loss of my 21yr old son, I think 18,19 or 20 months ago, I stopped counting. I don't like to count because, to me, it confirms or drives the knife in my heart a little deeper, that my son is not here with me where he belongs. My son was riding his friend's motorcycle on a residential street when he was chased and rammed into an oncoming vehicle, thank goodness the other young driver from that car was not physically injured. She is scarred for life but it truly was not her fault, she too was 21yrs old. My son sustained a massive brain injury and passed away a week later. It does not matter how old your child is when you lose them, they will always be our babies. No parent wants to bury their child at any age, for any reason. Our children are supposed to bury us.  My heart will forever be broken. I am sorry that I dont have any encouraging or comforting  words to offer, except, I am sure if you read everyone's postings and explore other groups on this site, you will find our we all support each other and validate other's feelings and thoughts.

I am always willing to listen, sorry for your pain.

Comment by Karen R. on June 24, 2011 at 10:09pm

Semary, I too am sorry for any guilt you may be carrying. It's hard to express our feelings of guilt to our family and friends because, naturally, they tell us that we are not. However, those feelings just don't go away with the snap of a finger, I wish they did. I have tried to understand that "everything happens for a purpose" thing also but I keep coming up blank......I can NOT figure out what the "purpose" could possibly be. The only thing that has resulted from this for me is a broken heart and a life time of despair, guilt and a tremendous amount of anger. Sometimes I try to rationalize that my son did not survive because he became too tired to fight anymore. Sometimes I have nightmares of him him crying for me. Somehow I survive day after day, I can only attribute that to fact of my young child who still needs me to be mommy. Its hard to get across to others that one child does not replace another, just as another parent doesn't replace one lost, or a new husband/wife doesn't a spouse thats passed away. This doesn't mean that our loved ones that are still here with us, are loved any less.

Thanks again to all that listen.

Comment by Semary Rose on June 24, 2011 at 8:27pm

Karen, do you feel that everything was written for us?  Some grand plan?  The theory that "everything happens for a purpose?"  I try to buy into that to comfort my pain.  What do you do with your guilt, which by the way, I feel so much sorrow for you having to face the decisions that you did.  Guilt is so horrendous, but it is unavoidable, isn't it?

Comment by Semary Rose on June 24, 2011 at 8:23pm

Hello Karen.  I can honestly say that I relate to your feelings of somehow contributing to the death of our loved ones.  It is the most deepest darkest thoughts that I possess now.  I felt it immediately upon finding his lifeless body and shortly thereafter, stuffed in down deep into my heart and mind--letting only fleeting thoughts of guilt surface that I quickly push back down.  I can't believe I am already having dreams of the guilt.  I thought that it would take a while to start having dreams where I do the things that I wish I would have done in reality--scheduling his appointment with the physician and the physician finding that he had a serious heart condition and getting treated just in the nick of time.   This is only the surface of the guilt I feel.  Noone knows this guilt I carry and the bottomless depth of it. 

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