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Permalink Reply by Ruth on September 16, 2011 at 7:08am

Dear Ada,

 

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.  My grief has had lots of different "stages" and it isn't straight forward either.  For a while I thought I was through with the "20+random reminders that put me into full flood mode" but it's back lately.  My husband was VERY close with my dad but with Daddy gone, my husband is into "survival mode, no time for tears, sad, stories, distractions".  When we were finally able to go to Daddy's grave marker 3 1/2 years later, he broke down and I heard "keening" in person for the first time.  I had to drive the 150 miles back home.  He's depressed of course, especially with the murderer's trial coming up, but we only find each other crying very quiet and low level and tear up too once in a while. Now that we know who did this, I have deep anger not just at the perp but with system injustices we have become aware of.  That comes out sideways at weird times for me, too, so that is more fallout I have to end up dealing with, apologizing for etc.  Then I end up crying because I am so pissed and scared to shout and yell at people who are, supposedly, allegedly to be helping me in their job and control whether I am reimbursed and get support services.  My 2 sons that were very close to my dad say they cry when they think about our dead kitty but can't about Grandpa.  My not so close to him son, I have no idea if he even thinks about Daddy.  My daughter is so busy and broke from have 2 sons by a babydaddy, the only time I know of that she thinks about Daddy is when she wonders out loud that there could be nothing left from his estate.  Maybe she grieves at points but I never hear about it.  It's hard not to judge that but I'm at the "oh well" point, not "the nerve" or "poor overwhelmed girl, of course not" point.  It is what it is.

 

I get the feeling that you're a very deep feeling person and very conscientious. Maybe the "motherly" part of you is taking care of the rest of you so you can survive this.  It doesn't matter, "the how", just that we can, whatever way it takes for that moment, hour, day.  They say there are no more tears in heaven, so maybe that would make perfect sense to your brother now, that you don't.  You are honoring him now by speaking and thinking of him here, with us.  Take care of yourself, God bless you, Ruth

Permalink Reply by Ada Bowie on September 17, 2011 at 11:29pm

Thank you for sharing with me, Ruth.... I know there's more than one way to deal with the grief, but I'm just not sure if mine is actually going to work, or if I'm just keeping it in, and later, I'll really start to grief. Because I'm not only trying to keep myself busy, school also does it for me. There's so much to do this year, and next year will be even worse. But I'm pretty lazy...  My school principal (he's not really the "school" principal, but he is the principal of the older students, I don't know how to say that in english, "secondaire" in french) asked the school therapist to talk with me because he was worried I'm lonely. I don't know why I'm saying this, but I just found it cute of him. And it made me feel good that he worried about me, and he was right, to boot! How come the he realized it and others whoma re much closer to me didn't? It's kinda weird. But maybe other noticed, too, but just don't say anything.

I don't understand: the fact that there are no tears in heaven shouldn't make it clear to my brother why I'm not crying. I'm not in heaven, I'm on Earth, and there are plenty of tears on Earth, though not many from my part lately.