Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on March 10, 2011 at 8:55pm

I can really, REALLY relate to that.  My wife's suicide has left a lot of questions that'll probably never be answered.  On top of that, things hadn't been real great with us for a while, which just adds to it.  I'm not sure about moving forward, as I'm still just in a place of putting one foot in front of the other, breathing, and dealing with the next thing.  I know sometimes I can pray for her spirit to find the peace she evidently couldn't find here.  At other times, though, I just can't even ask for that.  Not that I pray for her to suffer, but I just can't bring myself to pray for her in a positive way.

 

At this point, I'm also having to deal with realizing I can't afford to keep our house.  That means having to go through her things more quickly than I'd originally wanted to, and go through some of mine, and see about either leasing or selling this place.  With all that on my plate, it's hard to have time to focus on what'd been going on with us before.  Once that's all settled and I've moved, though, I'm sure it's something that will be coming up.   If I get any insights or ideas, I'll make sure to post them here.

 

Good luck in dealing with this stuff.

Permalink Reply by coachlouise on March 11, 2011 at 4:06am

Unresolved issues are part a big part of grief. Write your love one a letter say everything your feeling. I even heard a story that after the person wrote the letter, they mailed it to heaven. Dropping the letter in the mail box she said felt good.

As for myself : I was outside one night talking from my soul to the sky telling my son all the things I was sorry for and begged for forgiveness. I asked for a sign of forgiveness...Then the most brilliant shooting star crossed the sky. I heard my soul talk back to me, telling me there is no need for forgiveness, my son loves me. 

Listen to your soul, pay attention to signs. 

How we move forward is through learning from our misgiving, and becoming better people in the future. We can not go back however we can move forward. And as grow from those hard learning lessons we heal the past. 

Inner journey work is also very helpful. I use this with my clients all the time, it helps a person receive messages. 

Another way is by handing it over to God, or a higher power. Your loved one wants you to be happy, please trust that. Holding on to anger will only hurt you. Forgiveness is powerful medicine. Love yourself, you are worthy. Coach Louise Rouse

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on March 11, 2011 at 7:26pm

thank you

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on April 6, 2011 at 11:19pm

What is inner journey work?  It sounds interesting.

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on April 7, 2011 at 7:10pm

I believe it is the process of looking deep inside your self and finding out who you are now within your loss and moving forward through the grief process.

Permalink Reply by z. m. tallman on April 6, 2011 at 4:49pm

Hi Marlene,

I think you have to get help resolving those issues with someone who can validate your anger, but then through talking and understanding the humanity of the person who has died, you can start to let go and choose to feel something else.  You might even be able to try to forgive. Forgivness is not condoning bad behavior. Forgivness is an act of grace.   It is simply a choice.  When you are ready, you can chose it as a gift to yourself. But first, before you can get to forgivness or chosing another way to feel about the one who has died, you have to feel your feelings, talk about the hurt, get love and understanding from your family/friends/therapist - I suggest therapy as it really helped me.  Once I saw the one who I had issues with as such a basic human who struggled and reacted to his experiences and had limited abilities, etc., I started to not feel so angry.  Eventually I chose to stop being mad and I forgave him his humanity.  He was just seriously impaired and broken.

When you stop being angry, you can really grieve.  It is also okay to grieve the loss of a dream, of something better that you wish you had but never got with that person.  I have been there too and it helped me to know that what I was grieving was for something I wished for but never got.  The loss of a dream is worth feeling grief over.

I hope this helps you and I'll think of you.

Zelda

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on April 6, 2011 at 9:59pm

Thank You so much for your reply. I understand what you are saying to me. My relationship with my husband was in the stages of repair when he died and I do see now he was just human and struggled with his addictions and I honestly knew all along that his addictions are what drove his choices..yet I do fully understanfd I chose to stay in the relationship..I do feel cheated that his physical life ended before we could resolve these issues in person. I always felt that we would have the time to do so. Iam working on the anger related to the feelings I have that he left me to face this alone and rebuild the life he destroyed with his addictions. One thing I wish people would understand is that this will take time for me and Iam not just going to get over it so quickly and move on. Once again, thank you for your reply, it helps knowing that you know how I feel. God Bless.

Permalink Reply by z. m. tallman on April 7, 2011 at 1:44am

Wow. Huge to lose a husband and partner. Of course it is going to take time. There is no correct way to grieve or time line you need to follow.  I am truly sorry for your huge loss.  My sister lost her husband to an overdose, and it was devastating. She had two small babies and he left a mess behind too. And it rocked all of us. It is really tragic and so sad. I am glad you understand his humanity - it will help you to not take it so personally, and at the same time, I understand why you feel cheated. It is not fair.

 

My dad was murdered 9 months ago, and I feel cheated, robbed, angry, guilty for not protecting him better, and it is going to take as long as it is going to take for me to be okay.  It feels the same today as the day he died - that is how much it hurts.  I don't even care what anyone else thinks about my process.  No one knows unless they have been there.  I joined this group because I needed support from people who have been there too.  I have stopped trying to have conversations with others about it. Other than family, this is where I go to talk.  It is with me almost all the time - I cannot shake it.  I hate that it continues to be so present even after nine months, but ignoring it does nothing.  That said,  I take breaks from my saddness/anger. I make sure that when I am with my son especially that I love every moment and don't miss out on being with him. I go to the movies, I do my art, and then I grieve.

 

You will rebuild. And eventually you will create something better.  I am very clear that the woman who killed my dad has taken enough from me.  That is why I try so hard to be present to my son and husband when I am with them. I save my grieving for times when I am alone so I don't miss out - otherwise she has too much power and she robs me of more.  I cannot grieve and hold joy at the same time. So when my son is near, I try to be present to joy. I hope you can have breaks like that too. If not, then do what you can to try to create some.

 

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Z.

 

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on April 7, 2011 at 7:04pm

My condolences to you on the loss of your father and brother in law. I, too joined this group because I also feel as if no one understands how I truly feel. Iam weary of good intentioned people telling me that I should not feel this way or have this emotion......even after I tell them that what i feel is normal in the grieving process..they offer advice or words that just are not needed at the time. It feels as if no one truly listens, for if they did then they would hear the devastion in my voice, the deep sadness and un relenting sorrow. I want to scream to them "YOU COME BACK AND TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR LOVED ONE!!!!!". I , too grieve at alone times because of my young daughter even though I tell her I miss Daddy when she brings it up. I started a new and demanding job on the very day my husband died and I feel as I have been tossed into the malestrom whith my work responsibilities as well as care for our daughter and on top of that..grieving over my loss. I do not want to be cheated out of the grieving process for I will feel as if I can not move forward without doing it. I take one day at a time. Thank you again for listening. God Bless.

Permalink Reply by Amy Smith on April 10, 2011 at 9:15pm

Hello Marlene,

   I was reading ur story.. and just want you to know that i am living with you daily. We lost Jeremy 11 months ago. He was in a terrible car accident and died instantly. He left me with 4 kids to raise, and me alone to deal with this.. i had never had to deal with anything of this magnitude before, and cant say ive done an outstanding job at it.. i don't go a day still without crying.. i wonder sometimes if i will ever be able to get any sense of normal back.. i am not angry at him anymore, but guilt showers me daily. We were fighting the day he died and now his 11 year old has to live with sharing her birthday with the anniversary of his death.. How do we go about fixing the things they left behind, the hurt that just sits in the middle of the room.. that everyone trys to walk around and not touch or talk about??? Just wanted you to know that u are not alone. love you and God Bless

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on April 11, 2011 at 4:34pm

Thank You Amy for your reply. MY condolences on the lost of your husband. I , too, struggle with guilt over the fact that my last day with John was not a happy one. John and I had so many unresolved issues and the way that helps me at this pont is knowing others are going through the same experience and also facing my feelings one day at a time. I, at this stage in grief, still have anger at him leaving me to deal with this alone. I get angry at others because it feels as if they do not want to mention him even though I tell them its ok. I hope to find more insight on how to deal with these issues and Iam glad for support. God Bless. Marlene

Permalink Reply by Ruby Taylor on April 19, 2011 at 6:10pm

When my brother was murdered he and I was not speaking to each other we had a huge argument at least two weeks prior and it changed our relationship. Dealing with the guilt and anger was difficult but I can say with 100% surety it can be done and healing will take place. My brother and I were best friends before the argument and stuck together through the ups and downs of a large family. I still miss my brother but I know that the argument and that period in our life, did not lessen the love, friendship, hope, support and laughter we gave each other prior.

 

The way I grew through my guilt and anger was doing a forgiveness ceremony in which I asked him to forgive me and if he forgave me XY would still be. XY still was and at that moment in time I knew he forgave me and it was time for me to forgive myself. It was harder for me to forgive myself than him. Any woo back to the XY - I would say what the XY but than I would be putting ideas in your head, think of something special between you two and you will find your XY.

 

I love this song and it has and will always inspire me because life has taught me "it is well"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOhsMFAdOig

 

I strongly recommend this site

 

http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/pdf/Forgiving_oneself.pdf

http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/pdf/Forgiveness_in_Action.pdf

 

Peace, Comfort and Blessings

 

 

Ruby

 

GRIEF OUT HEALING IN

 

Relationships will go through highs and lows that is what makes them worth fighting for. Please do not only focus on the lows but also appreciate the highs.