Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Denise Murphy on January 8, 2011 at 2:30am

Dear Kelly,

I am so sorry for your loss, I could not imagine the pain of losing a child.  I lost my 41 year old sister suddenly, she was found by her husband in the morning.  She had a massive heart attack in her sleep, she left two young children and it has been devastating on them.  When something happens so suddenly your whole system is thrown in to a shock, for a few weeks I walked around like a zombie.  I even had wished it was me instead of her. 

 I'm sure your daughter felt the same way about you, it seems like you had a beautiful relationship with her.  Don't blame yourself because you encouraged her to go, we can't change the past.  If we keep looking in the rear view mirror we are sure to crash, and we all do it under stress.  You have experienced something nobody should have to, give yourself time to grieve and grieve is what you should be doing.  I find keeping a journal helps me get my feelings out in a constructive way.  Also talk to your husband, when we share our pain with others it relieves the ache, I'm sure he could use someone to listen to him, help each other I don't think that would burden him . I also find being creative to help relieve my heartache, maybe a scrapebook in honor of your daughter, or a memory box that is what my nine year old niece did for her mom, she kept special things in there that had meaning to her. Keep coming on this site, vent all your anger we don't judge here we just listen.   I will keep you and your family in my prayers.  God Bless, Denise

Permalink Reply by coachlouise on January 8, 2011 at 3:05am

Dear Kelly, Your son has not forgot, he is just handling it his own way. 67 days is not long and yet it might feel that way. Letting go of the of your Taylor in the physical hurts yes, wanting to die, well many of us have been there too. It plain sucks!!! If I could wrap you in my arms I would, If  I could bring back Taylor I would, if I could tell you any way to avoid the pain I would. However I can tell you ways to deal with the pain. Breath, long and deep, and keep breathing. Talk to Taylor she can still hear you, listen and pay attention to signs. Think more about how she is still alive just in another place then gone forever. Avoid Vodka, you will miss any connection she is giving you. Learning how to have a invisible relationship will not give you back what you had but it is better than nothing at all. The relationship is different for everyone, some have dreams, some feel a breeze, some see a mist.  It is a knowing from your deep love connection, that she  feels your love. Trust , believe, and your journey will have some moments of sweetness. You could write her letters, sing her songs, which is what I did. Music is like a portal for opening up the otherside. Love never dies, it goes on forever. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve love, you just entered the hardest journey of your life. Keep writing here, it is healthy to get your feelings out with people who understand. It is ok to cry it is ok to scream, you have to feel in order to heal. I send you so much love, and please know that the last thing Taylor would want you to do is take your life. Honor her, by living. If you would have died what would you have wanted Taylor to do, would you have wanted her to take her life. Seeking help is the first step, if you would like a to talk to me  email me at coachlouise@mac.com Coach Louise

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on January 8, 2011 at 1:12pm

Hi Sylvia,

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my first husband when I was 24. He was in a construction accident. Was only married 2 yrs. I had to children 15 months & 4 months. That was almost 33 yrs. ago. I lost my 2nd husband 14 months ago. We were married 27 yrs. I came home from work to find him on the floor, right after that I lost my job, still looking for work. Sometimes I think that I am not meant to be happy. Like you said now I am doing this again. Sometimes I wonder if people think before they speak. Someone asked me last week if I was over it. I need to move on.! Everyone seemed to have done so. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me.

My thoughts & prayers are with you!

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on January 8, 2011 at 1:06pm

Hi Kelly
I am so so sorry for your loss! My prayers are with you. I know what you mean about people going on. I lost my husband it is 14 months now. When I came home from work I found him on the floor. My daughter has moved on, telling me that I need to move on too. I saw someone that I knew a few weeks ago, She didn't know about Joe, I told her she oh are you alright? Are you over it???? My God is there a time limit here? Right after he passed away, I lost my job, still can't find work. Some people tell me I should have moved on by now, Some people tell me it is still too fresh, too soon. Sometimes I think maybe there is something wrong with me. My thoughts & prayers are with you. I wish we all lived close so we can all offer support for each other. May God keep you close.

Anita Kelly

Permalink Reply by anne on January 25, 2011 at 8:26pm

Dear Kelly,

You don't need a rubber room. What you are going through sounds normal. The pain is tremendous and I think your shrink NEEDS to learn more about losing a child. I am a 12 year veteran of this group nobody wants to belong to.I've been where you are, and I still have those feelings every now and then. What your feeling  is a feeling that most people in this situation have. No one wants to out live their children. We don't get a choice. I have felt and done everything you have said, and more. Everyone greives differently, but one thing I have learned, drugs, alcohol, and suicide doesn't do anything but make things worse, if that's possible. I have also learned that trying to numb or kill the pain only works for maybe a second, and sooner or later I had to deal with it head on and trust me all those things that are bad for me only put off the enevitable and that is survival. You see in my heart I believe that my sons are with me. Yes I have endured the deaths of both of my sons. My little boy was killed in 1998 and my oldest son was killed in 2007. I have some time under my belt and I have been through so much since then that sometimes I wonder how I survived. I have 2 daughters who don't want to talk about their brothers, ever. I feel like the girls act as if the boys never existed. I am wrong. They do think about their brothers, and they too feel such a loss that it's very difficult for them to talk about it, but every once in a while they bring up the subject and because I am still here I can help them deal with their loss to. I'm not gonig to lie to you. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and the most painful. Talking about your loss and my loss and every parent whos child dies is sometimes the best medicine. I have a husband to and I also thought that I shouldnt put my greif on him, but I learned early on that letting my feelings out to my husband gave him  a voice to let his out to. Love is a powerful thing, and death cannot take away love. Keep talking and we will keep listening.