So here we go...I thought joining this site would help me process some of the feelings I have about losing my father and my brother. On Labor Day in 2004 my little brother was tragically taken from our family. My parents owned their own business and were working at the Nebraska State Fair. It was the last day of the fair and my husband, brother Guy, and I went to another festival with our business for the Labor Day Holiday. I can re-live that day over and over again with very specific detail. We had just finished up at the festival and decided to go see the demolition derby. My phone rang and it was my Dad, he said Erik had been in an accident and we needed to hurry back to the state fair. Instantly I thought he had broken a bone or had to get stitches. We began to drive to where they were and dropped off our inventory and my brother's truck with a friend. We had to stop to get gas and grabbed some snacks and were on our way. We were about 2 hours from where my parents and brother were. That is when my phone rang again...my Dad was crying like I had never heard him cry before. I kept asking him what was going on and all he said was your brother is dead. I immediately began screaming and kept asking if he was joking and that I didn't think it was funny. He just said that he would never joke about that and asked that I get there as soon as possible. I couldn't stop sobbing and screaming. My husband probably never drove faster than he had that night. My brother Guy wouldn't say anything and I needed him to so badly. It was the longest drive of my life. When we arrived at the hospital I was in complete denial. We walked in and were greeted by the priest for the hospital. I told him I needed to go to the bathroom which I really didn't I just wanted to prolong what I thought was about to happen. I walked through these big double doors to see my Father pacing back and forth. His head was down and he was just crying. He grabbed me and for the first time in my life I was embracing my father like he was my child. He was weak and I needed to hold him up. I had never seen my Dad cry like he did that night. I asked him what happened and he said he was thrown from a golf cart and hit his head. He had a brain hemmorage and died right away. Who gets thrown from a golf cart and dies? How does that happen? How did this happen to my family? We were all so close and spent so much time with each other. I asked him where my Mom was and he pointed to a room. My mother had completely snapped...all she said to me was that we had to get Erik because he had weight lifting in the morning and he couldn't be late. I told her that he was gone and she yelled at me telling me not to say such horrible things. She told me his ear was bleeding and they fixed it so we could take him home. What the heck was I supposed to say or do? I just wanted to see my brother. I walked down the long hall with my husband and daughter and all the nurses just looked at me with sad faces and said I am so sorry, then I turned into a big room. There my little brother lay "sleeping:. I wanted him to wake up so bad. There was a nurse in the room and for whatever reason I started asking her the weirdest questions. What was he wearing, where were his shoes, what happened, and then I began to tell her how amazing he was. As always he was gorgeous...beautiful blonde hair, strong shoulders, beautiful nose, and I could go on and on. I had my daughter with me who was 4 months old at the time. She was born on the same day as my brother and they were able to be in each others lives for 4 months. She was born on the same day and was only 5 minutes apart from being born on the same day at the same time 13 years apart. They had this bond that you can't even explain. He always said he asked God for her to be born on his birthday and he was right. While all of this had gone on my brother Guy was nowhere to be found. Finally I walked outside and there he was. I needed to give him a hug and just vent to him like only a sibling would understand. He didn't say anything as I rambled on for 15 minutes and when he finally said something all he could say was that it should have been him, not Erik. He said Erik was the good one and he was always the one in trouble and how it wasn't fair. I told him he was crazy and that nobody deserved this and he shouldn't think that way. I did my sister duty but when I walked away I knew that I could never change his mind about that. I went back in the hospital to get my parents and head to the hotel. I couldn't sleep at all that night because my mind was racing. I was also afraid that if I fell asleep I would wake up and see Erik in spirit and I couldn't handle that. At this point I was numb but I knew that I had to be strong for my family. My Dad was crushed, he felt like he didn't do his job and let Erik die. He thought it was his fault and he had failed Erik as a father. My Mom had completely lost it, she thought he was in Ireland and he would be home soon. She would not allow any of us to tell her that he was gone. That continued for almost 3 weeks after his funeral. That is all for this one, next blog I will talk more about losing my parents.