Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Emily Elizee on August 9, 2011 at 10:25am

I may not be able to give you advice but I can also relate my story and loss to you. On July 31, 2011, my boyfriend (Joe) and I went to spend a night at a friends guest house. It was our first time spending a night there, so you can imagine, we are chatting about the bed, how spacious the room is, just the normal everyday stuff. We turned off our lights and went to bed, we were not yet asleep when we heard his friends car drive up in the driveway, and very soon after we had a commotion outside our room door. Joe is always the type of guy to jump in to prevent a fight, so that night thats exactly what he did, he rushed out of the room naked to see what was going on, and as quickly as he got of bed, is as quickly one of the robberies hit him over the head with a machete. I want to believe he did not suffer, because he moaned for a little while and gasped for breath and then he was lost to this world. The attackers tied me up and left, our friends were also hurt but not in critical condition. I lost my best friend that night. We managed a hotel together, and I have gone back to work because I think he would want me to do that. I force myself out of bed every morning to take care of the guest needs, so I do not have to think of the image of him, lying there in a pool of blood and me being unable to help him. I feel guilt, I was not hurt and he lost his life. The first few days I was constantly talking to him like he was right next to me because I could not understand and accept he was not coming back. I use sleeping tabs to help me sleep at nights, friends have to force me to eat because I do not have appetite. I just feel so numb from emotions. In the evenings when I am alone at the hotel we used to manage together, I miss him the most and would cry for at least 30 minutes. Just tell me I am not alone, please somebody just talk to me!!Thank you.

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 9, 2011 at 1:42pm

Oh Emily, My heart breaks for what you have been through.  I have not experienced anything like what you have but when I read your story I just had to respond and tell you how sorry I am for you and that I care!  My husband died on July 1st 2011 after being diagnosed with cancer the end of April this year.  Im glad you have friends watching out for you and making sure you take care of yourself.   I have family and friends doing that for me or I wouldnt have made it this far.  Last night I was looking through a drawer in his office and found an old pair of his glasses in a case.  As soon as I opened the case I could smell my husband.  I lost it and cried for over an hour hugging his glasses.  This journey is a crazy one so be prepared for the littlest things to be huge, and give yourself permission to feel.

 

Permalink Reply by Emily Elizee on August 9, 2011 at 2:17pm

Thank you Anna for responding, that means a lot to me. I am right now looking for a quote to put beneath the photo that I have chosen for his memorial, and I can hardly read the words because I am crying!! I feel like I want to go out and have a drink but I do not know if that is acceptable. Joe and I was very social people, we loved life, enjoyed good food. And he was Irish, so I think he would want me to have a drink, dry my tears and remember the good times we had in so many of the bars here on the island.

Permalink Reply by Emily Elizee on August 9, 2011 at 2:22pm

Hi Anna,  I got so absorbed in my story, I forgot to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. When you found out your husband had cancer, did you seek therapy then, maybe knowing he might not make it? Do you have kids that you have to brave and strong for? About the smells, I know exactly what you are talking about, I am using Joe perfume, it reminds me of him and I get the sense that I am close to him. The things that we do, after the loss of a loved one to get through the hurt.

Permalink Reply by Marcia Henne on August 9, 2011 at 5:11pm

Thanks for reading my story and sharing. I'm so sorry for your losses.

Permalink Reply by anna l. on August 9, 2011 at 8:07pm

Marcia, it is so hard to watch the person you love leave you and not be able to do a thing about it.  You are not alone.  One of my best friends did the same thing as your boyfriend.  He knew something was wrong but wouldnt go to the hospital and by the time he collapsed there was nothing his family could do either. You have to know you did the best you could but very few people respond to cpr when they are having a heart attach.  I hope you find your way in this new life none of us would have picked for ourselves.  Im sorry I didnt respond to you earlier but I got myself into a crying fit telling the story of the glasses found last night and had to take a break from the computer thismorning. 

 

Permalink Reply by Denise Murphy on August 9, 2011 at 11:40pm

Hi Emily, Marcia, and Anna,

After reading everyone's post I was so touched at the courage all of you have shown.  To lose somebody you love so suddenly is devastating, especially when you are present and feel helpless.  I know you are probable going through it a million times in your head wishing you could have done something differently, and feeling with every ounce of your being angry because it happened.  You have a long journey and I can only tell you what has helped me, feeling your feelings and acknowledging them.  I went to the library and borrowed books on greiving and sudden losses.  I also created some scrapebook pages which celebrated the life of my loved one.  I did a lot of journaling, this is where you can be honest with all you are feeling, it helped me deal with angry, sadness, regret, guilt, all the emotions you will be going through.  But the one thing that really helped me the most was writing a letter to the person who died, I poured my heart out in these letters and put them in my bible, every so often I read them and I realize how far I've come since that day.  Grief to me is like the ocean it comes in waves, you think your doing fine and you hear a song, or see a person walking accross the street that reminds you of your loved one, your reduced to tears.  In the early stage you can do nothing but think about it unless you keep yourself occupied.  It is good to try to get back to living (noticed I don't say normal, because there will never be that normal again, you will create a new normal, just like you will never be the same person you were before this happened, and I spent many days just wishing to be that person that had a father, that had a mother, and that didn't lose her sister.)  When I was keeping myself busy I could forget for a second, but you do also need to feel it and talk to other's about your loss.  Go to a Bereavement group, it really helps because you meet people who are going through similar experience's.  Grief is a lot of work you just need to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.  Don't be so hard on yourself, surround yourself with people who are caring and compasionate.  If you feel like isolating don't feel guilty for that, it may be what you need at the time.  I hope that I have helped you a little know that you guys will be in my prayers!

God Bless,

Denise

Permalink Reply by Laura Krause on August 10, 2011 at 12:25am

Denise

I like your idea of writing a letter to the loved one who died. i miss my mom so much.  I think tonight i will write her letter. Thank you. Laura

Permalink Reply by Denise Murphy on August 10, 2011 at 7:51am

Hi Laura,

After losing my sister so suddenly and unexpectedly I decided I never wanted someone to feel the way I did so I wrote letter's to the people in my family. I wrote how much they meant to me and things about our relationship, I sealed them and wrote open upon my death, i have them in my bible, my husband knows about them.  I would have loved a letter from my sister.  Just a little note expressing her feelings, I really think that would help alot of people when it is unexpected and sudden.  It's like your world just blows up and your in a state of not believing this is happening.  Take care I hope you find writing the letter helps just a little bit.

God Bless,

Denise

Permalink Reply by Marcia Henne on August 10, 2011 at 7:49am

I bought a journal last night. I need to put all these feelings out there. Maybe on paper will be a good idea. Last night I had to be at a birthday party and spent half of it in the bedroom crying. Being around "normal" happy people just makes me more sad right now.