Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jim Eginoire on December 26, 2011 at 9:53pm

Dear Marlene, I know how that feels, I went through it in September when one year was approaching.  I refuse to call it an anniversary, that is not a day I celebrate.  But on the day of the one year mark I visited her grave and I asked God to give me the strength to let her go, to release my heart from her.  Not so I could fall in love with someone else, but so I could live again.  

When she died I could not imagine praying a prayer like that, but my life had stopped and my house was a disaster, pretty much still is, but if I didn't have my beautiful daughter pushing through her grief to take care of things it would be really bad.  

Two days later I had about 2 hours where the heavy sadness was completely gone!  I was in shock, but also relieved.  

It is still there and it still visits me every day, but now it is the reverse, maybe a couple hours a day it hits me, but then I feel "normal".   The sad truth is the heavy sadness will visit me the rest of my life, but that is a reflection on the love we had for each other so I can be grateful to have been blessed with such love.   I pray you too will find peace from the burden of sadness and feel joy again.  Time does not heal our hearts, only God can.

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on December 27, 2011 at 8:23pm

Thank You Jim. It does help when others truly understand.

Permalink Reply by Terry Case on December 27, 2011 at 10:44am

I have experienced the same thing. At the 1 year anniversary of my wifes death I expected to be doing much better. Turns out I seemed to feel worse and even more alone. Every one around me seemed to have "moved on" and yet Iwas stuck in my grief. I think you start "thwaing out after a year or so and you feel the loss more intensely as the numbness goes away.

Permalink Reply by Jim Eginoire on December 27, 2011 at 12:33pm

Thanks Terry, that is something that has happened even though I do feel joy and the heavy, heavy burden of grief is not there all the time.  This Christmas has been a sad one for me.  Last year I was in shock and numb and really almost catatonic in that I felt nothing and it was an effort just to get out of bed.  

This year I did set the tree up and put lights on it but did not attempt decorating beyond that as going through the ornaments and such was too hard to even think about without feeling worse.  But I did get the tree up and that was a major hurdle.  My wife always wanted it up Thanksgiving weekend and the house would be fully prepared for Christmas by the time I went back to work on the following Monday.  God has been gracious in allowing me to avoid things that I will eventually have to face that smacks me in the face with the reality that the woman I spent almost half my life with is really gone forever.

Permalink Reply by mercy on December 27, 2011 at 7:08pm

Marlene you're right, we just learn to live with the pain. I lost my mom and brother within one year of each other and I don't feel like the same person anymore. I don't even look like I did just two years ago. I always have a sad expression on my face and lack of sleep has taken its toll.

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on December 27, 2011 at 8:23pm

I still expect to see his car drive up at the end of the day or the phone call where he would say Hey!...or the little comment we had between ourselves: " You know I love you right?"...no one knew me better than John..he was my refuge from everything..........

Permalink Reply by Terry Case on December 28, 2011 at 12:05pm

   The holidays are very difficult for me because I am blessed with so many memories spending them w/ my wife and kids. I too don't seem to remember last Christmas as I was still very numd-it was only 4 months after my wifes death. This year the kids and I did put up a tree and a few decorations, though nothing like my wife would of done. The tree looked kind of funny and was not adorned as she would have done it but we made the effort.

     Tyhere are many days that I can't seem to go on but what gets me through is knowing I will see her again someday and I want to tell her I did my best. I want her to be proud of me. I am also so thankful that God took her first as I would never have wanted her to go throutgh this living hell.

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on December 28, 2011 at 11:58am

I'm in a similar boat, as early February will be the one year mark for when my wife died.  The folks I've talked to who've been through this kind of stuff say that the first year's the worst, but that it's not necessarily all over at that point.  I'm hoping that's the case, that at least after the one-year mark there's some idea of how things will go, how things will hit as certain dates come up again.  For me, I'm finding that there's more anger and resentment now than there was six months ago.  The hard part is balancing out whether that's just part of the process or if I'm getting "stuck" in the anger and using that to avoid doing the grieving that I need to.  I wish I had more comforting or encouraging words for you, but the best I've heard so far is my favorite quote from Winston Churchill, "When you're going through Hell....keep going!"  *hugs*

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on December 28, 2011 at 6:06pm

Thank You. Anger seems to be a dominating factor for me too.

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on December 28, 2011 at 11:42pm

You're very welcome.  I hope it gets better for you soon.  Heck, I hope it gets better for all of us soon.

Permalink Reply by Annette Dominguez on January 5, 2012 at 11:26am

I have found the loneliness so hard to bear. I hit the one year mark as well on New Years day and it was not easy. I just cannot get past the heartache. I still miss him with all my heart. I used to be very optimistic and looking forward to the future. Now I just want to get thru the day as I have been for the past year. I think the 2nd year will be hard too because the first few months after he died I was still in shock. So now I have to get thru his birthday in Feb and our wedding anniversary in April. I have two kids who are away in college so no one is here with me. I work from home so don't have interaction with anyone during the day. I have not been able to really say goodbye to my husband. I will eventually but right now I just can't. I pray everyday that God will guide me and give me strength and peace.

Permalink Reply by Shannon Finley on January 14, 2012 at 1:09pm

Marlene,

I cannot say that I know exactly how you feel. But I can say that I do know about that a little. On May 1st, it will be one year since I lost my best friend, who was also the love of my life. Granted, we were not romantically involved because of certain circumstances, but we did love each other very much. I don't believe when we lose someone we love that it gets easier to deal with their loss. I also know about it getting harder, because you feel like they've missed so much, and you wish that they could be there with you through everything like they once were. But I do believe that one day we will be able to find peace and possibly be able to think about their loss in a positive light. I don't know how that is possible, but I find comfort in thinking about it like that. I hope that you can find some comfort in your own life, and know that there are others out here like you that feel the way you do. Please, feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to on a personal  level.

All the best,

Shannon

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• Next ›
• Page