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No one is talking about how she died or how it makes them feel....
On March 15th of this year (2013) my mother died tragically and unexpectedly. It has been the worst thing anyone in my family has ever experienced and it has taken a serious toll on myself, my father and my brothers; not to mention her large extended family. However, what is truly bothering me is that no one ever talks about how she died - not the circumstances of her death and certainly not how it makes them feel. I am finding this really suffocating. The only person I have been able to share my feelings with is my husband.
You see my mother died in a tragic, senseless and easily preventable way - so much so that I think it makes us all mad to think about it. So we aren't talking about it.
So here goes:
On March 14th my mom went for a walk. She was at work and she was having a very stressful day (due to the idiocy of another person causing undue and extra problems). She decided to clear her head - my mom loved to walk you see. She would go for long 2 hour walks all the time so this was not abnormal. However, she never returned from this walk. This was at 11am on the morning of the 14th. At 7pm that night I called home to talk to her and my dad finally told me what was going on - she was missing. He hadn't told me earlier because I am pregnant and he didn't want me to put stress on myself or the baby. He also hadn't told my brothers. I was immediately scared and angry; I called my brothers and both of them started driving home. The police got involved and a search was immediately set out for her as they looked on all her normal walking paths. I did not immediately go down - my family felt that with the constant police presence there and the stress of the situation it was not safe for my baby (I had had a small pregnancy scare 2 weeks earlier you see). So that night I stayed at home with my husband, checking my cell phone every few hours, and honestly not sleeping that much. Still no word. At 7am the next morning I said I was going to my dad's house, and no one was stopping me. When I arrived at my father's they told me the devastating news: my mother's body had been found. She was gone.
To be honest I don't exactly remember everything that happened after that, but I know I screamed and then crumpled to the ground and had it not been for my husband and a family friend I would have hit the ground, hard!
After that the shock set in. I spent days just whispering the word "No" in disbelief and denial.
The official cause of death was listed as natural as what seems to have happened is that while she was walking (it wasn't freezing cold but it wasn't warm either) my mother seemed to have experienced a severe drop in her blood sugar and she went into shock. You see, my mother was diabetic. Apparently she laid down on the ground and closed her eyes and never woke up again. My brother (my poor baby brother) found her body the following morning on a side path in the woods.
I think the thing that honestly hurts the most and that I am struggling with the most is not just that this was tragic and sudden but that she knew better! She was diabetic and she knew she had to be careful about her blood sugar! She was always telling me to be careful and eat properly so I wouldn't end up with diabetes like her. So why!?! Why didn't she recognize the signs and turn around and come home? Why did she keep walking? This shouldn't have happened and I can't come to terms with it at all. And what makes it worse is that my father and brothers don't ever talk about it but they must feel the same way right? I am angry....and then I hate myself for being angry with her.
I will never get any answers either so I just have to try to come to terms with the way she died....I just don`t know how to yet.
I had to get this out. I hope you all don`t think I am horrible for being angry and struggling with this.
Views: 508
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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im so sory abot yore loss maddy i wish i cud anser yore q but cnt u r not bean horbel or angry juts hurtn im still upset ovr my dads death lst yr
it upsets me wen peple say get ovr it its easy i no its not coz it hrts so mush
i no on hear it hlps to get yore fealings out on blogs discusins so on it dose
sory abot th speling
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Permalink Reply by Maddy on
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Thank you Jb (jo) for you kind words. I think the largest part of it is all is that I am angry and hurt and I can't understand why she didn't just come home. It makes me feel like we weren't enough reason for her to come home.....which then hurts more.
Thank you for understanding. I do typically feel guilty about how I feel, all the time. I am dealing with it the best I can though.
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I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my wife on march 15 also. There are so many things going through your head right now it is impossible to figure anything out. I have been angry myself for not seeing the warning signs or could I have done more??? The emotional roller coaster we are on seems endless. I can't offer advice, but talking seems to help me. I don't think the hurt will ever go away, but if you need somebody to listen this is a good place. If you need to talk I will listen.
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Thank you Ron. I am sorry about the loss of your wife as well. The anger and the guilt are the two hardest emotions to get over right now.
You are right though...talking about it, just on here has already made me feel better. And you are right when you call it a roller coaster! Somedays I feel like I can manage and others I am overwhelmed with grief.
Thank you for your offer to listen. It helps just knowing there are kind people like you all out there to talk to and who understand what I am going through.
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I am so very sorry for your loss, I feel your pain. HUDS
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Thank you Patricia. Sometimes just the kindness of strangers is enough to help soothe the pain.
xo
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I agree, my family members are all avoiding me, no one wants to talk about it, I feel so alone.
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Patricia, I am so sorry that your family members are all avoiding you! Despite the resistance to talking about the actual event of her death, my family is being truly amazing and supportive.
Why are they avoiding you?
If there is anything I can do to help, please please please let me know.
You are not alone in this.
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I guess because she was 3, and no one can believe on put themselves in my shoes, plus I cry alot, so I guess they dont want to see that. :(
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Permalink Reply by Michelle H on
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Maddy, it's good that you were able to pour out your feelings here in this safe place. I'm so sorry for your loss and for your family's pain. The passing is still very fresh and the anger is one of those "normal" feelings we may experience after a loss. Prayers for each of you as you struggle to make sense out of everything.
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Permalink Reply by Debra A. Whitemaine on
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Maddy, I am very sorry for your loss. A sudden and unexpected passing is difficult to deal with. Being angry and mad are normal feelings to have You mentioned that she knew the signs and questioned why didn't she turn around and come home and didn't she love you all enough to come back. Please don't torture yourself with these thoughts. Maybe she did turn around and was on her way back. And maybe she was experiencing confusion with low blood sugar. These are just some thoughts that may help ease your mind. Talking/sharing has also helped me to cope with my father's passing. Try to focus on the good memories and take care.
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Hi Debra,
Thank you so much for addressing that concern of mine. I do feel like I am torturing myself with these thoughts and questions - questions with answers that I will never get. I try very hard not to focus on that because it just upsets me but getting it out here has really helped.
Thank you for your kind words - sometimes just hearing other peoples' opinions really helps to sort out my own thoughts.
I guess what hurts the most is that I just want her back. I would give anything to have my wonderful mother back.
Thank you again and I hope that we both may find some peace dealing with the passings of our loved ones.
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