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My Soulmate is Gone
Hi....I apologize in advance for how long this is....
6 weeks ago today I lost the absolute most important person in my life. It was January 2, and we had been out at his family's cabin for a New Year's Party, (we live in Alaska). He had gone out early that morning on a snowmachine ride with his friends, just like he has done thousands of times in the past. He was tragically hit by an avalanche on his way back to his truck. He was not riding recklessly...he was actually on a mining road at a lower elevation and not up in the mountains, he was not in an avalanche zone, and he had all of his safety gear with him. All of it. Beacons, avalanche pack, first aid kit, shovels and ice picks. He was knocked down 50 feet into a creek bed by the tremendous force that hit him, and although he was only buried for just a few minutes, and just a foot under the snow, by the time his friends got to him he was gone. They tried to revive him for an hour and they were unable to get any response ever. I still remember every detail about that entire weekend like it was yesterday. He had planned to come back early from his ride and get me, so we could go home and work on our new house we just bought. He had already packed up his stuff before he went riding that day.
I met this wonderful man 12 years ago, and we were inseparable since the day we met. I had never met anyone that completed me so well, and he often told me he felt the same. He told me that we were best friends, and if anything ever happened to me he wouldn't be able to survive, and I told him I felt the same. We were more than best friends, I felt like we were one person sometimes, so connected, we did everything together and there was no one either of us would have rather been with than each other.
I was in disbelief and argued with the troopers when they came to the door, and tried to tell them they were wrong. But my Dash never came home that night. Even worse, I found out that the Avalanche Rescue Group had to leave him up on top of the mountain because the weather conditions had deteriorated so badly. I begged them to let me go out and be with him, but no one would let me go. That first night I just cried and texted and tried to call him over and over, thinking they were wrong and he had just been knocked out and he would wake up and be scared and want to come home. He promised he'd never leave me, and now I'm alone. All I could think of that night was my Dash, alone and laying on the cold snow under the mountains, with nothing but the stars and Aurora Borealis above him. (One of my hobbies is photography, and one of the facebook pages I am a member of showed a large aurora display over Hatcher's Pass, the mountain he was on, that night) And I couldn't be with him. I wish I had been with him that day and left with him.
We had been so happy for our new future together. We both had relatively new jobs, we had this great, big house that we just bought, with lots of room for our outdoor toys, we were working hard on paying off our debt and planning vacations. We were both finally deciding we wanted to try for kids.
I can't believe 12 years of our life has just been pulled away from both of us so fast. I cry for Dash every day. For the future he wanted to so badly, and now he'll never have. I cry more for Dash than I do for me, because he loved life so much, and honestly, he is the one that taught me to love life. If it were allowed, I would trade places with him in less than a second. I wouldn't even give it a second thought, just to bring him back so he could be here and continue to enjoy his life. Before I met him, I didn't have any goals or plans. Now, it's the same. I just try to exist and make it through each day. I have no purpose or drive anymore. I take care of our dogs and I work on little things around the house, but it's not the same at all. He was such a handyman and always working and keeping the house full of business and life, and now it's so empty.
People keep telling me I have to move on, move on and find someone new to love and spend your life with is what they say. But I do not want to move on. They can't make me. And this thought of "finding someone else to love" just makes me feel absolutely sick to my stomach. My first choice in this life will always be Dash, even though he's not physically here with me. I can move forward and continue to exist until it's my time to go also, but I will never move on from my Dash. He is the heartbeat that kept me going through tough times, and always helped me out back out of the dark places I would fall into. He loved to protect me and always keep me safe. He is my soulmate, and now I don't know where he is. I can't find him. I feel like wherever he is he is still always going to be my soulmate, no matter where this horrible, terrible life takes me next. I don't even want it anymore.
I've found a few things to occupy my time. I will restore his snowmachine and ride it, and I will ride his dirtbike, and our four wheelers when I'm able, hoping that one of these may bring me closer to feeling Dash. I don't understand how someone with his high energy and spirit can just be completely gone from us now. He was always going and doing and he brought me along every time for the most incredible adventures. I wouldn't trade the last 12 years of our life for anything, but I would trade my life in a second to get him back here. He is the main thing occupying my time and my mind, wondering what happens after this, what it was like for him, what he went through. I feel like I need to know what he went through. We did everything together, and we could not do this, and it hurts so badly not knowing. Before this happened I didn't know that "heartbreak" is a thing you can physically feel, but I have had harsh stabbing pains mixed with dull aches in my chest since this happened, and stress from these emotions is the only thing I can think of that it might be.
Sometimes when I'm laying in bed or sitting on the couch, I'll catch his smell, like he is sitting next to me again, for just a few seconds. And it is such a peaceful feeling. I don't know what to think about where he is now. I just know that wherever he is, it is far less painful than being here without him. I keep hoping against hope that after this life we go somewhere and he will be waiting for me to be reunited with him again, but I don't know how realistic that is, even though I was raised to be religious. I don't think I believe in anything anymore.
I don't know what I am hoping to accomplish from this post, I'm not hoping for words of encouragement or anything that will make me feel "better", I think I just need to get all my feelings out there, somewhere. Thank you. I just want my Dash back and it makes me feel like I'm dying inside a little more every day that I wake up and he's not here with me.
Tags: adventure, alaska, avalanche, dash, dirtbiking, hatcher's, pass, snowmachine
Views: 700
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by morgan on
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Lisa, to read your post and see the pictures of your beloved Dash it is pretty obvious that this was a man who lived life for all it was worth. Its incomprehensible that it happened the way it did. What a total freak accident. I've been in contact with another woman whose husband was swept away into the ocean. Another person I met whose brother was rescuing a younger child from a rip current and was so wiped out after handing the child off to other rescuers he was washed away in the same rip. These unbelievable kinds of natural occurrences are just hard to fathom. Why?
But like you, I keep struggling with the unknowns. I don't know how he can be gone. What it was like for him? Where is he? Like you, I want to know what he went through. Like you, I don't know what to think about where he is now. More of it is about him than it is about me.
I have at this point in my grief learned how to deal with some of the other stuff that makes it so friggin hard to live but it it the unknowns that continue to plow me under when I think about him. You said it perfectly. It's those big unknowns. Why and where is he?
Just reading your post made me understand once again that it is those unknowns that keep surfacing over and over and it is what keeps me from "moving on". It's not like I don't know it, its just that I try to push the unknowns to the back of my mind so I don't have to think about them so much. But that is the problem. Too much I cannot nor will ever know.
Thank you for helping me understand myself once again.
Take care…….you are in the early stages of this hell and this site will help you. Right now I am going to send as much stardust as I can…….
morgan
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Permalink Reply by Lisa on
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Thank you...he did live life to the fullest....and he had so much more living to do. We had more living to do together. It's such a terrible feeling to be robbed of this future. He is 35 and I am 34, and we were just starting to look forward to starting a family in our new house and all the new great adventures life would take us. Now all the adventures are gone for both of us.
I think the idea that we'll never know what our loved ones went through is just the most terrible thing I can think of. And I think I will think of it forever. I can't move on from Dash, and I won't. I can move forward because I have no choice. Time keeps going no matter how hard I dig my heels in and try to make it stop. Dash gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give another person. He spent the rest of his life with me. I wish I could give him a gift this great.
I hope our loved ones are still with us in some form or way. Somehow. And I hope we can see them again someday.
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Lisa,
You say everything I want to say in fewer words.
Three years and I just want to be with him. Still. Nothing has changed other than I am forced to live.
Thank you.
Morgan
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Permalink Reply by Lynn Boyd on
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Lisa, first let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I'm there too. My soul mate of 27 years died suddenly of the flu just a few weeks after our 25th wedding anniversary. Tomorrow will be my third Valentine's Day without him. I am appalled to hear that people are telling you to move on after only 6 weeks?!? Omg, you're still raw and fragile. There is NO WAY you should consider that! Sometimes people will say things trying to be helpful but in reality are hurtful. Don't be too hard on them, they are probably trying to be helpful. Everybody grieves differently and on their own unique timetable. I understand how empty you feel. It sounds like his spirit is still very much with you. When you catch that whiff of him, if you feel an arm around you, yes that is him. He is in a very peaceful place, and he can protect you and love you from that place. I can't tell you anything that will make you feel better right now, but I can say you won't always feel as crappy as you do right now. I'm 2 years and 15 days into this awful journey, I still have good days and bad days. The last few days have been terrible. Take your time with your own grief and seek support from those who have also experienced this pain. I wish you Peace. ***hugs***
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Thank you. I am so sorry to hear of your soulmate. How do we do this and go on without them? I still don't understand. Valentine's Day is such a hard day. Actually, every day is a hard day. Yes, a few people have been telling me to move on because "I'm so young, I can find someone else to love." But it doesn't work like this. I also don't feel young. I feel like I have lived my lifetimes, and if something happened to me tomorrow I would be content because the only place I ever wanted to be is with Dash. I used to feel so secure, safe and complete. And now I feel only like half of a person, because the one who is literally my other half is gone. I hope we can be with our loved ones again someday.
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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on
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"People keep telling me I have to move on, move on and find someone new to love and spend your life with is what they say." And it's only been 6 weeks?? Wow. It is unbelievable to me the garbage naive people will say ... I'm so sorry.
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Thank you. Yes they say because "I'm so young, I can find someone else to love." But they don't understand what Dash and I shared. It was more than just that we loved each other, it was everything. We were each others world and now neither of us have that anymore. It makes me so sick to think about everything he will be missing out on now. I can still try to live life for him and live like he did, but it's not the same if he is not here to enjoy it and share these experiences with me. And I don't want to share them with anyone else.
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Lisa,
There are many people here who understand. We never thought we would be part of this group, and I for one, thought of people that went through this kind of loss as the "unlucky others", as if they were aliens. Well, today is Tuesday Feb.23rd; on Tuesday June 23rd, I suddenly lost my best friend, husband, dearest and only adult family, my whole life. I am alive because I have 3 kids. No one can really give you advice at this point, because you have to live this. No choice. The only idea I would like to offer you because you are so young is this: along the journey of life, we encounter different experiences, some wanted, some so bad we cannot believe they came our way, and they were not of our choice. Because you are so young, you can create some wonderful experiences in the future that are your choice. You can still have or adopt children, and have the experience of being a mother. It is not your choice to not get to share this with your beloved; but along this journey of life, you can still have this experience of giving and receiving incredible love. Perhaps one day we will be with our beloved, and I am starting to think that this life is nothing compared to the next. We still have to live it, so please take your time to mourn, to grieve, but know that you will get to choose some beautiful loving experiences still on this earth. Sending you love and hugs.
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Titi, I am so, so sorry for your loss of the love of your life. I really wish I could tell you "it gets better with time." I can't. For me, it's only gotten worse. Much worse. Every day that drags on without him feels like a deep stab in the heart. Every day I wake up remember everything that we had planned TOGETHER. Everything we still needed to do that I DO NOT want to share with anyone but him. I am so grateful to have a large group of supportive friends. Life is just not the same without him. It's not good, it's not going to be good. The most it's going to be now is "different".
Sometimes I scream at Dash for leaving me, even though I know he never, ever would have chosen this path either. Sometimes I scream at god for not helping us out even a little, especially after all the conversations and thoughts I'd had in the few months before it happened. Then I realize that I'm probably screaming nothing. I don't really think there's a god out there, I might have at one time, but I don't anymore.
Dash promised he'd never leave me also. We are still young, and I think knowing that we still have so much time left makes the feeling even worse. I don't want the time I have left. I told his sister the other day that the amount of time I have left isn't going to make a difference for "healing". I can be sitting somewhere 40 years in the future watching a sunset or something, and it will still feel so wrong because the only man I ever loved isn't here with me. Then I cried for hours because the thought of being here 40 years without Dash is the worst thing I can imagine. People have told me a lot that "I will find love again." Someone told me that they "hoped I will someday find a soulmate almost as good as Dash". No. I don't want someone again. The only person I ever wanted isn't with me anymore. I just want to be gone. If Dash can't be here, I don't want to be here.
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Permalink Reply by Ruthie on
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I too lost my husband to an accident in January 2016. 1-7-16. I still have moments that I do not believe this happened. Thank goodness we left on a good note and had just said we loved each other three hours before and we got to spend new years day with our Daughter and her husband, so she sort of got to say good bye. Who would of ever known the pain we are going through--your not alone.
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