Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Charlotte on October 19, 2012 at 10:42am

My mum died 23rd August 2012 from a heart attack in her sleep also so I understand what you're going through. It's hell. I'm still having 'what ifs' and 'should have done something' or 'I should have thought of this or that'. I'm not an expert but I think that's normal. My mum was only 54. She had lupus but had had it for 20 years and sufferers can live well into their 70s so it was a complete shock. She went to sleep and never woke up. I miss her every minute. I'm 5 months pregnant with her first grandchild. She was so excited. I wish we'd been able to save her. But more people die from heart problems every year than all the cancers combined. And it's a silent killer. You can have no idea of any heart problems (as in both our mum's cases) and it just gets you. I've been obsessed with it, thinking we should have had that checked. Or wondering why didn't she just have a small 'warning heart attack' like a lot of people so we'd know there was a problem? People get tiny defibrillators inserted all the time to restart the heart when things like this happen IF they get a warning first. We didn't. We were the unlucky ones. It's not fair and I'm so sorry for your loss. I think the loss becomes more manageable over time. Once we begin to adapt to this new world we live in that doesn't include our mums. It's so painful and we are different people without them but we will adapt to being our new selves. I'm not gonna tell you to not wish someone had known or done more to save your mum. I still feel that way. Completely robbed. I don't think you can stop those thoughts yourself. I think they will slowly come less and less as your time in the new world without her lengthens. If you ever need to talk I'm available. Much love, Charlotte xx

Permalink Reply by Dr S Gh on October 20, 2012 at 10:58am

Hi charlotte. Thank you for the reply, it's comforting for me to read your words. I'm sorry that you've had to go through the same hellish experience as myself. Must be very hard to not have ur mum sharing your joy when your baby is born. My sister was just about to move right next door to us (i lived with mum as i have an illness and mum wanted to be with me always). Now mum won't be there to share the joy of having my sister so close to us. Did your mum  have hypertension? i think thet my mums fluctuating blood pressure was the main problem and the doctors should hav ewarned us about that.My mum also had asthma and giant cell arteritis for years  (like lupus the lattter is also an autoimmiune illness). I think the GCA probably had a lot to do with why she died. She had been admitted to hospital a week prior to her death with a suspected mild heart attack and they did echo cradiogramme and other tests and told us her heart was ok!! We're waiting for the coroner's report to know why exactly she died. I'm very angry with the hospital for not finding out exactly what was wrong with her. Many people have severe heart attacks and yet survive, so this seems so unfair. I really believe that my mum's death could have been prevented, she died needlessly. I know it does not bring her back but i feel that if i know that there was nothing we could have done to prevent it and that it was all the medics' fault, i would feel less tortured.  Like u i miss her sooo much it's unbearble, every night i dream that she's well and alive and she's sitting with me and holding my hand and talking to me. i wake up and find out it's all been a dream and i start to weep. I do hope that time will heal us both Charlotte, but i know that for us life will never be the same again. Losing one's mum must be 1 of the worst traumas of life. Our mums are our best friends and they support and protect us throughout our lives. No wonder we feel so alone and lost without them. Every day i think oh i must tell mum this or that, but i can't, she's gone and left a huge hole in my life that can't be filled by anyone else. Please feel free to write to me if you need to talk. Love and hugs Siminxx

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Permalink Reply by Charlotte on October 27, 2012 at 4:28pm

Hi Simin, sorry it's taken so long to reply. I've been playing the 'it's not really happened, she'll phone me in a minute for a chat' game with myself... Do you do that? Or is it still so raw you can't yet? Anyway, it only lasts for a while then it smacks me all over again and I fall apart. I'm not sure if my mum had hypertension. I know she had a long list of health issues as a result of the lupus but she was still very independent and didn't like to complain so when I asked how she was feeling I would get either "I'm having a bad day. I'm very sore. Will you swap legs with me?' (lol, she really did say that all the time) or "I'm doing ok" My mum was in Australia visiting my brother and sister when it happened. She felt unwell going to bed and my brother even asked her if she'd felt this bad before and should they take her to hospital? She replied that she'd felt much worse before and 'just needed to rest'. When we told her doctor what had happened she said "Typical Ann, literally at death's door, still playing it down, dying of a heart attack and thinking she could sleep it off" She was so strong. Much stronger than me. Feels so weird now I'm about to become a mum. Feels like I'm meant to step into her role and it's terrifying because she always held me up. I found out I'm having a little girl. Kind of want her to hurry up and be born and grow up so I can have that mother-daughter relationship again even though I'll be in the other role this time. Is that strange? I know I'll never have the relationship I had with my mum back. I guess I'm clutching at straws to try to fill the huge hole in my life. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I guess I feel like you understand. I also think every day "can't wait to tell mum" about so much stuff. It's been 2 months now and I still cant believe she's gone. She's in my thoughts constantly. I hope things somehow get easier for both of us. Please feel free to write anytime. Your words help. Realizing I'm not the only one struggling with this helps. Thanks Simin, love Charlotte xx

Permalink Reply by Jane't Mahew on October 19, 2012 at 2:57pm

My mom passed 5 months ago from a heart attack. I had just gotten off the phone with her and my stepdad said she just collapsed. My mom never had any heart problems previous to the heart attack. I am having a horrible time dealing with the sadness. My mom died on my exact due date that my daughter was due to arrive. I blame myself daily for my mom's death. I really feel like I should have seen the signs because my mom had also been sick with what she thought was a virus the previous week. My mom had lupus anti coagulate disease and visited her doctor every two weeks to check her blood levels. I ask myself daily why they didn't catch the fact that her arteries were 100% blocked. I think the guilt you are feeling is normal but I wish none of us were dealing with this pain and sadness. I would give anything for my mom to be here with me and our family.

Permalink Reply by Dr S Gh on October 20, 2012 at 4:07pm

Hi jane. so srry to hear ur story. must have been so sad to have ur baby while grieving so much. Do you know the exact cause of ur mums death. It may not have been blocked arteries. My mum had an aneurysm, we're still trynig to piece togethr all the info so we can decide why and how it happened. Every day we go over the events again and again, it's natural. It's a phase that we have to go thru, sudden loss is much harder to deal with than gradual one when people have time to prepare and adjust to the idea of their loved 1 dying. We don't have that. On top of the pain of the loss of our mums it's the horrid shocking way they were gone in a matter of seconds. Like u i would give anything to have her back, her absence is so acutely felt by all of us her family. Everything feels different and sad, soo sad. Hope that ur coping best as u can. Love simin

Permalink Reply by christianlee on October 21, 2012 at 1:10am

Yes. I too lost my dad suddenly from a blood clot to the lungs. Never had a chance to say goodbye. He had knee surgery 2 weeks prior. I too....wish I would have did something ...taken him to hospital earlier? ??

Permalink Reply by renee collier on October 27, 2012 at 7:20am

Simin, I am so sorry for your loss. My Fiance passed away April 27, 2012. I went to visit him on his boat to spend some time with him. When I arrived at the boat I found him dead.  I also blamed myself. I thought what if I would have gotten to the boat earlier. The what if's can consume us.  Now that some time has passed I don't blame myself as much.   I have to believe that God has a time for each and every human on this earth. And we may not understand why but somethings we just can't control. 

Although difficult, I hope that you and your siblings will feel less blame for your moms passing. I am sending lots of loving, kind thoughts your way.  Use this site as much as you need to.  When my dear Christian passed away I was on this site all the time and I found great support and comfort.

Wishing you the best!

Permalink Reply by Dr S Gh on October 27, 2012 at 8:35am

Thank you so much renee. i'm sorry for ur loss. My sister lost her fiance to an asthma attack a few Years ago, he was 28 at the time. He had just been playing soccer and had an attack and died before his dad could even call the ambulance. It was very very hard for my sister so i know what ur going through. Do you know why ur fiance died? sometimes when we find out more about the reason for the death of a loved one it can make it easier to bear. Though nothing will evr bring them back and like u i find it very painful to accept that mum is never coming back, i miss her soo much every day and every hour. My sister is taking my mum's death quite badly and says it brings back memories of the time when she lost her partner. Thanks for ur kind words, i have found this site very invaluable and reading about other peoples  experiences and feeling is coomforting. We are all in this grief thing together, there is no wind back or fast forward button, so we have to get through each day best as we can. Love siminx